, I want to retrain my brain. I would give anything to have my old life back, but I know that is not possible and I would not want my husband to suffer one moment longer. That being said, I don't want the old me back, at least not all of her. Yes, I want to be strong and independent again. But I want to retrain my brain to think of me first. To become and love the "new" me. I spent most of my life caring for others. Siblings, first job babysitting, being a wife, mother, grandmother. Caring for in laws. I want to learn to put me first. Stop putting others needs and wants before my own all the time. Oh yes, I still will and want to be available for my family and friends, but this is my chance to spread my wings, be so much more to myself. Find my courage, strength and independence again, but remain compassionate and caring. I want to love me through my own eyes, not through the eyes of others by what I did for them, but what I do for myself. I want to prove I can make it on my own while keeping the love of my life constantly in my heart. I don't want to get drawn into the drama of those who want to dominate my time and energy or play on my sympathys. I want to use my compassion on me first. I want to be able to remember thier problems are not my circus, not my monkeys. We all have those in our lives that want to dramatize everything and drag us down too. At my age, there isn't much I haven't experienced. Been there, done that, have "ALL" the t-shirts. And now the most agonizing of all, the big "W" t-shirt. So, this is my goal, to be better than I have ever been in my life! And I think that since he is gone, no longer here to love me unconditionally. It's my time to learn to love myself that way. We shall see what the future holds, but I am not giving up. I wan't him to be so proud of me when we meet again, whenever that may be. Hugs and Love to all, Michele