Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am posting here for some advice/support from those who faced retirement without their spouse or who were in retirement at the time of their spouse's passing. When my dear John passed away, I was 59 years old. With March approaching, it will be 9 years since John's passing; and I am struggling with the decision to retire from a job I have held for over 40 years. Our office will be restructuring in July due to budget cuts and other retirements. I am the oldest in our office, not only by age, but also years of service. With a decent pension and Social Security benefits, I am able to financially take care of myself so that is not an issue. When John was diagnosed and fought his cancer, I continued to work using FMLA time when I needed to be off for John's appointments and not-so-good days. Although I had accumulated sick leave, I wasn't sure how much I would need for the future. Needless to say, I wish I had taken so much more time with John; however, I had no idea I was going to lose him since I was so sure that he would beat his cancer. After his death, work provided a haven away from home. I didn't stay home but two weeks after he passed because I needed a place to be, a place where I felt needed. I can't say it was easy. I cried in the car going to work. I cried walking into the building. I cried in the hallways, on the elevator, in the bathroom, and behind a closed door in my office. Coming home to an empty house only reinforced the devastation that I felt. Although fellow workers tried to understand, there was no way that they could help. As we have said so many times on this site, you have to go through this painful loss to understand and relate. Since my husband's death, I have also lost my three siblings and their spouses; at times, I have felt so alone. I certainly feel that my retirement decision would be so much easier if they were around to support me. So, tell me, any of you who know how difficult this decision can be, any regrets or advice to make this transition easier? Roxanne
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Today I feel grateful. Grateful for my dog Blue (Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest girl I've ever seen). Grateful I'm still kickin'. Grateful I'm finally taking responsibility for my health. Grateful I own my home. Grateful for good friends and neighbors who watch over me. Grateful to God for His everlasting love and patience with me. Grateful I survived the 10 years since my wife of 30 years...
Not sure this will help, but I'll share my experience. I had been retired three years when I lost Tom last February. After eight months of way too much solitude, I went out and found a part time job totally different from what I worked at for many years. It has helped quite a bit to be be busy and to interact with people again.
I realize our situation is different because it hasn't been a year since my loss. I really needed to get out of the house and my head. You may have adapted more than I have.
I wish you luck.
Hugs,
Since you've been working at the same place for 40 plus years and used to those routines, It will take some transition time to get comfortable with being retired. Could you phase into it slowly by working fewer hours? Or maybe you just want to go for it. That could be great also.
I was working part time when Jordan died over 3 years ago in August of 2015. I now am not working a formal job but I am extremely busy with an amazing array of things. I really love my days where I can arrange activities to suit me most of the time. I have my definite routines where I go for a half hour walk, do some yoga stretches, take care of the cats, and make phone calls and work on business type stuff in between. The neighbors all know me because I walk through the neighborhood so I feel connected there. I also go to weekly meetings at various organizations of people which helps. I have a few friends I've made since losing Jordan. I also see a counselor when I have a rough spot. I think the trick is to not get too isolated. Sorry you lost your siblings as well. As long as you have some contact with other people you like once in awhile it keeps you sane.
Hugs,
Carol
I started venturing out, joining local groups in my new village. It took effort, and I wasn't always successful, but I kept at it, and now I have a reasonably busy social life. I have taken some classes, I do a fair bit of volunteer work, and have made friends. I belong to a women's organization here and that has helped me a lot in dealing with missing my sisters back in the States (we were always close).
I still wake up early in the morning - old habits die hard! I don't miss my old job though. I like being able to set my own priorities and my own schedule for the most part. I've enjoyed pursuing hobbies and interests I had been curious about in the past but hadn't had the time to pursue.
With your knowledge and experience, there are probably dozens of places that would welcome a volunteer like you. There are still people who need you, you just haven't met them yet.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
You replied to my post a few months ago. I am the one who lost his wife of 50 years and girl friend for 3 years before we got married. So I will give you my thoughts on your question. Since I last communicated on this site, I also lost my mother. She was 93 and had lived a very full life.
My wife and I were retired 5 years before she died. We did everything together. If she had a doctor's appointment, I went; and if I had one, she would go. All of our activities were joint activities. So now that she is gone, it does get very difficult when I am home alone. So I have tried to stay busy. But when I am not busy, it is very lonely; and I miss her even more.
Here are some things I have done to try and stay busy.
1) Since my wife died from Lymphoma, I signed up as a volunteer with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS). I have a position where I call people who have been diagnosed with a blood cancer and advise them of all the services and aid provided by LLS. It is a role I can do on the days/times that work for me and it is from home. So it is easy to work with anything else I have going. Also, it is rewarding to help people who are in dire need of it. It also puts my suffering into perspective since many of the people I talk to are dealing with a lot. So you might be interested in volunteer opportunities.
2) I spend as much time as I can with my two children (ages 40 & 42) and grandchildren (ages 6 & 13). You mentioned that you lost your siblings and their spouses, but I don't know if you have any children or grandchildren. My guess is that you don't since you haven't mentioned them. I am going with my daughter and both grandkids to Las Vegas for my granddaughter's team soccer tournament. I go to every game she has.
3) Do some things with other people. I belong to 3 bridge groups which gets me out around 5 times a month. I also do a game night with some of my neighbors once a month. With bridge, I could play every day of the week if I wanted to. There are many bridge groups. Bridge may not be your thing, but maybe you have some other activity that could get you out and socializing with others.
4) I have made a commitment to myself to do at least one fun thing once each week and to clean out one small messy area each week. By doing one small area each week, I should have things cleaned out pretty good by sometime this Summer without making a big project out of it.
5) I have been pretty busy taking care of the final affairs for both my wife and my mom, but that is pretty much done now. So I need to find other things to fill that time.
I wish I had more ideas for you. But whether you decide to retire or not, you have to stay busy from what I have experienced. Staying home alone is difficult. I am struggling with this myself now that I have taken care of the final affairs of my mom. I have to reach out more myself which is difficult for me since I am an introvert and, by nature, a loner. My wife was the extrovert and the joiner. Enough of my problems - best of luck of your decision. If there are any other questions about retirement (Social Security, Medicare, Required Minimum Distributions (which can be a killer), etc.), let me know; and I will try to help.
After the death of my beloved wife, I did not know what to do with my life anymore. I am in my 60s, and we have always dreamt of spending our retirement together and traveling to Europe. She also wanted to see our grandchildren, and our daughter gave birth to a lovely girl a month after my wife passed away. This makes me feel so sad and powerless. On the one hand, I want to follow her as soon as possible, but I know that it is not what she would want, and I need to stay here longer to be with the kids and grandkids. Sometimes I think that I need something like https://www.theluckiestclub.com/join-community to help me stay afloat.
I saw your response to an old posting of mine. I retired in June 2019 not knowing what I would do with my time. Although the road has been difficult, I did find a new home at a local food pantry where I spend the majority of my week helping others. This has been my answer to retirement. I just didn't find being at home the best for me since John was not here with me so I started at the pantry as a volunteer that turned into a paid position. I enjoy what I am doing; however, I still miss my John on a daily basis. That has never gone away. I envy those that travel in their golden years and still have that "special person" in their lives. I am happy for them and sad for me.