Hi There,

I understand how you feel....my Kate passed nine weeks now, and I keep thinking about the sad times...like you Kate was the love of my life..guess we must endure the grief , in the hope that things get easier down the line...little steps my friend, and be kind to yourself..

Lawrence

Edinburgh Scotland

Replaying memories was a huge pat of the grieving process for me in the first year. Even though you wish the painful ones would stop I think it is healthy to allow them to replay. It is a way for your heart and mind to come to terms with what has happened. If you block the memories you block the grief itself and grief has a way of coming out in some form often not healthy if blocked. I guess what I am trying to say is the replaying memories is a very normal part of the process although I totally understand it is a distressing part. Wishing you peace. Gerald p.s They will subside over time and happier ones will replace them

I seem to be doing the same. A year ago, my husband seemed the picture of wonderful good health. At the end of June last year, he was diagnosed with stage iv cancer. I am dreading the next nine months and having my mind play back all the time he was so ill, the treatments, etc., until his death in March. This is the hardest part of life --- it is such a lonely journey... No matter how many people are around or not around to support through the grief journey.

I lost my wife of 50 years, 16 months ago. to cancer. She was also under home hospice care and passed away at home with me. Like your husband, she was alert and able to communicate until the very end.
She was very strong, very brave, and did her best to prepare me for what was to come. I tried my best to be up-beat during those last weeks, but I think we are fooling ourselves if we think that we can really be "prepared" for such a loss.
Like you, I still have some of those "bad" memories that replay in my mind. While they are still painful, the memories have softened over time, and the pain has lessened. I don't think that there is any way to stop them,. I believe this is the way in which our minds deal with emotional trauma, and I think you just have to let it run its course.
While there are many sad memories of those last months, there are many more happy memories. I know it sounds strange, but we were closer and more in love during those last months than ever before ... and that's saying quite a lot. We spent hours talking about and remembering all the wonderful times that we had shared together.
While the sad memories and pain are still there ... I let them take their course, and pass like water under a bridge. It's the happy memories I hold onto.
Even when we lose the people we love, we continue to have feelings about them. We have memories of things they did, imaginings of things they might say if they with us now. Just because the pain of losing them diminishes with time, their importance to us need not.

-John

Hello TwoLabs,
I understand what you are feeling. I have the same problem. It is the replaying of those last few days in the ICU that keep me awake at night too. From what others here have shared, I think it is something we have to go thru and hope that it diminishes with time. I guess it is part of the new "normal". Hugs and prayers to you. Mary

From reading your profile I think your husband died last October so although it feels like forever and at the same time like yesterday you are in a very hard place in your loss. I truly am sorry for what you are dealing with, but, if it helps, most of us have gone through the same experience. You are okay.

My only advice is to remember and let the tears flow. These are times we need to work through. Right now even happier memories can cause pain, but the work to grieve is an investment in your survival. Sharon

I had this involuntary video going on in my head for weeks of Michaels last days and hours. I had to train myself to turn it off because it was too sad to see.
Now if something reminds me I just go on to something else. I won't sit & remember him as he was right before he died. That wasn't him. That was some cancer ridden poor soul who passed away. My Michael was 6'1, weighed 180 lbs and smiled all the time. Thats how I choose to remember him.
Soon the happy videos in your head will replace those sad ones. But you can't let those sad ones play too long. Go do something to take your mind off it...anything...just thinking about dinner or riding a bike or anything just for a moment might be enough to stop it. To dwell on it too long isn't good . At least for me.
Big hugs

Thank you for your wonderful input! The advice each of you offered sheds new light on my thinking. You guys are AWESOME!!!!! You all inspire me...how blessed I feel to be able to come here to "blubber" and have such kind, caring people help me out.
May we all continue to grow and find a sense of peace....bless you!

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I went through it, too; I guess we all do. My husband knew he'd be "just gone" in a short while. We were unbearably sad. I especially hate the memory of him vomiting and crying.
All I can say is that the memories come less often now, thank goodness. I told myself that he deserved the mourning I had to do. He was well-loved and well-mourned.
The pain won't always be as bad as it is for you right now. So slowly it gets better, but it does get better, honest.

My worst memory is watching them remove the vent from my wife and seeing her reaction as if she knew what the result was going to be. I know she was heavily sedated but it seemed she had a moment of awareness to what was happening. After that I keep replaying her final moments. I think watching your soul mate take her last breath is one of the worst things anyone can witness. Having said that I wouldn't have been anywhere else, I was there for her, I know she knew, I felt it. It's been 21 months and it has been getting easier, but those images do come back from time to time. You just have to let it go. As Gerald said it is a part of grief. We all experience it.

Those who know my story know that Sam and I lived apart and were working toward the day that I could move to Florida and enjoy the beautiful home he bought for us. On Sept. 7, the night before he passed away, we had been on the phone and the computer, booking a flight to FL for me for Sept. 21. Who would've thought that on Sept. 21, I would be flying back home from Sam's memorial service?

In the beginning, I replayed the weeks leading up to his death over and over in my mind, asking myself why I didn't plan to go sooner, certain that if I had been there perhaps the accident could have been prevented or help could've been summoned faster. Over time, I seem to do that a lot less. I credit the advice and personal direction that I've received from friends here on DS with getting me through that very difficult stage.

I'm by no means in good shape yet, and there are stretches of time where I backslide quite a bit. But continuing to come here to post & read has been a tremendous help for me. I hope it will be the same for you. Wishing you peace . . .

I, too reflected over and over the morning I gave him his medicine, went downstairs for 10 minutes, came back upstairs to get in bed with him and he was gone. I did CPR calling his name shouting louder and louder. My daughters had come over and she was calling my son-in law who is a firefighter. He called the fire department. I was so grateful they were there. He had lung cancer, but my son in law said he looked as if he had had a heart attack. That memory is being played less and less in my head and my memories of him now are of our wedding, our trips and other things we enjoyed doing together are increasing. Sometimes I go through the photo journal I made. Some of the photos are so funny with him doing his happy dance or barbecuing on the patio for family events. All of us have so many happy memories when we were healthy and they were so handsome/beautiful. .

I didn't get to see or say good bye to my husband. He passed away overseas on a business trip. I am so frozen that I blocked out most memories. I tried hard to recall his images of the last moments we spent prior to his flight. Sometimes a glimpse of something will jolt my memory of a special moment in time that we were together. I am getting used to be alone now and can go to places without crying. It will get better.

The hardest things for me to remember are the everyday things that happened on the day that Michael died. I can remember what he last ate, the shirt he was wearing, and his last words. It is funny how the simple things are the ones that are so painful. Funny how the mind works.
Kymberly

I too, watched my soulmate take his last breath, and refused the let the nurse at the hospice take his oxygen mask/bag/ off his face after he was gone......I thought....he may "come back" if we let him keep it long enough...... There is nothing worse than to witness the last moments of your loved one........Fortunately shock sets in ( for a time ) It is later that the pain hits, the video starts to play in your head, the memories filter in, it hurts so badly; I lost my beloved in Nov 2012 after 40 years of bliss, and i agree with you, JeffBolen, it is hard to let go of all of this, even though we want to, and should....... I am sorry for your loss.