Hi, your feelings felt similar . I lost my husband in our honeymoon . We couldn't have any of our firsts together . 105 days today and still feels unreal . I m in deep depression , anxiety , attacks , shock . We also took a big house , decorated each corner of it together and when just about to start new life together he is gone . I have no clue what to do next . I m at my parents since then no strength to even get up . I have to go settle everything for the house and then move to a new place where no one knows me . I thought of dying a lot of times but my mom would die too. I feel devastated, life has no meaning , ruined completely . The new normal would take a long time . Hang in there and we have to do it together .

Hi Ty2015. First of all, let me say I am so very sorry about your husband. I lost my husband to cancer in August and I am still reeling from the loss. Most experts on grief say that we should not make any major life decisions for at least a year and I think that is sound advice. The loss of a spouse is just such a disruptive force that most of us really are not capable of making good decisions for awhile. You have been a widow for less than two months..............that is not much time at all. I do not like to tell other people what to do, mostly because I can barely tell MYSELF what to do these days, but I would caution you to slow down and take a deep breath. Why not think about it for a little while? Moving to an unfamiliar place is a LOT to deal with and you are already dealing with one of the most stressful things life has to offer. Wherever it is you are thinking of moving to will still be there in a few months or a year or so. I would suggest you give yourself some time before making such a major life change. Sylvia

Hello munmun, yes this is totally devastating, my husband and I wereally in the process of looking for a new home together, I feel very fortunate now that we never got it, because I would feel like was stuck in a place or situation I couldn't get out of, we downsized 2 years ago to a smaller place in hopea of purchasing our new home tigether, we had raised the children (my 3, and his 3). They are all in college living life, and we had planned to do the same...we had put our furniture in storage and planned to live with my sister until we had found what we needed....well that didn't happen, so now I tell people my husband dropped me off at my sisters house and left me ....sad, but true...some days I do feel like giving up then I think about my family, my children...and say ok, no you can't give up but get your self strong again.....so I read my bible a lot now and I pray a Whole lot more now, Ive been doing a lot of research on my new area, and hopefully just hopefully it will get better for you and for me...we should definitely keep in touch...thanks so much for sharing.

Munmun,...I am So Sorry for your loss as well, for I know Exactly what you are feeling..

Lucky daughter, first off I am really sorry for the loss of your loved one, oh my God, no one could have told me it could cut this deep, I guess I should be Completely honest, I have been told that I should wait for a while, don't do anything to soon by the grief counselor at my church, and I do agree with that, however I just can't bring myself to even go to work, I'm a self employed hairstylist, I had a clientele from A to Z but since my husband had been sick and I just couldn't leave him with anyone, I had to take care of him, because of the areas of my husband's body affected by the cancer, and I couldnt and wouldn't bring that type of embarrassment to him, so I chose to wait on him hand and foot (boy am I happy I had those last days with him)although when we were going through we didn't know those would be his last days......my husband died from Anaplstic large cell lymphoma, and it affected his lower extremities....it also caused him to develop lymphadema, he swelled beyond beleif, by the time he passed away my body was broken as well as my heart, but I wish I could do it all over again right now as I type these words....No one knew mire than me the way my husband suffered and even still it breaks my heart, because before all this, we were known as Power Couple and for the past decade when you saw him you saw me, there was absolutely nothing we didnt do together, that is from something as simple as grocery shopping together, strolling around Walmart, going out to dinner, movies, listening to the bands, dancing all night, to going to church together, I mean we did Everything together..so that is one reason I can't bring myself to stay, second of all I really don't want to be here, my children no longer live here, his children aren't talking to me right now, and from what they say"we don't have anything else to ever talk about again"...broke my heart, after all these years I never thought they felt like that, but I was once told death can bring out the worst in people. Nonetheless I know my husband was my soul mate and I miss him as such, as far as me relocating, I know there is nothing left for me here, so I'm moving to a city 6 hours away, with my dad and his wife and I also have a brother and a sister there, so I won't be totally lost, I did a trial run already and the atmosphere was totally different, I was totally different, I actually wanted to get out of the house that week I was there, and the best part about it waa, I was able to walk in Walmart with my sister and didn't have to worry with someone coming up to me and saying how sorry they were about my loss, or them asking me, well what happened he was just diagnosed in April and he died in September, how did he die so quickly, then they stand there and wait on me for an answer. But yes I've heard before I should wait, but I'm stepping out on faith and praying to God for Him to order my steps and let His will be done....if all else fails I can always move back in with my sister here and just live my life out as the widow that I am, but right now I know this isn't me, and I know in order to get back to me, I have to get to New Normal away from this place. When it's time to leave it would be 5 months since he passed. So until them I'm selling everything in my salon and packing up the Uhaul and ditching this city for now.

I am so sorry that you had to join our group, but welcome.
My husband was killed in an accident at work. We were together 24 years and like you we did everything together.
I had to move out of our rented townhouse due to lack of funds. I even had to let his vehicle be repossessed. I moved in with my son. . then I started running as soon as I got $ I went clear a crossed the US trying to find ??? Relief , happiness, get out of the fog... I don't know. I bought a house- hated it, sold it 6 months later, moved back in with my son, spent so much to find nothing! Grief followed me everywhere I went. When the fog lifted after 18 months and I finally settled in to the new me I bought a condo and I'm at peace. I still have days when the tears run down my face but not as before when I just wanted to go with him. I agree with you though let God guide your steps. He knows best
Rachel

Hi Ty. Terrible, isn't it. Many reasons for you to stay put, and you've found many reasons to just go and start fresh. Problem is, the grief is with you no matter where you go. The geographic approach will not lessen the pain. Only time, and lots of it, will heal you. It is not unusual for any of us to go through what I call the "hermit stage". Doesn't matter where you live. You will find that you need to discover who you are, no longer part of the we you were for so many years. Now it is just the "me", and you've got to find out who you are. Crap from way back when most likely will surface again, at least it did for me. I had to work through it. Had I moved, I would have no job and no house. Those are the only 2 constants in my life and they give me a workable foundation as I build the new me. I really thought that I'd grieve about 2 weeks and be okay. Similar to your situation, my wife's cancer diagnosis and her death were about 4 months apart. We had no caregiver, just me. But she was able to care for herself until the end. It takes it toll on us but we would not have done it any other way. I also thought that the "one year" rule didn't apply to me. Figured that was just an old wives tale. Boy was I wrong. I'm just hitting a year and a half and have made some doozy mistakes, off the richter scale type of bad decisions. We remain screwed up for a long time. So learn quickly not to trust your judgment. All that said, you are going to do what you are going to do. I am glad that you are moving to a support system and you perceive that you have none where you are. Write often. There are many wonderful people here to help you through whatever lies ahead. My analysis on issues now always begins with, What's the worst that can happen? Oh, that's right. It already did. Juanita died. Kinda puts things into a whole new perspective. Nothing could ever be as bad as losing the love of our life. Nothing. You'll come out of this some day. Much later than you think, but I promise you that when you do finally find the light at the end of this tunnel, you will be stronger than before. God bless and comfort you. ~~~ Scottie

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.... I really appreciate you sharing, and had you not written I don't know that I would have shared... I have been reeling about what to do as well. This has been my home for almost 25 years. My wife passed away 6 months ago and all I want to do is leave. From the moment it happened. She was 34, and I have two beautiful boys,, 4 and 7, and although the community has been amazing I find it so hard to function when I feel defined by the death of my wife. I've given myself 6 months because I figured I could not trust my own judgement. But I still feel it. In my gut, my heart and mind.... It feels likes place where I can start fresh; grief and all. How do we truly know? Maybe it is a mistake but we adjust accordingly anyways, right? I love the island, I too "tested" it out. It felt good, different.... I too wanted to be around people again. I also have a support system there so I'm not alone. Just somewhere that isn't here, where I lost the love of my life.... Thank you so much for posting this. I have been in constant struggle since and it's nice to know I'm not alone in this battle of 'what now',...

I don't think it's really up to anyone to tell you what to do. I think you have already made that decision. Sometimes we have to do some dramatic things to feel as if we are moving along this walk of life alone but strong. I too was with my husband for a long time. We met in high school, dated 7 1/2 years and married for 4. Matthew was killed right before our 12 year anniversary. November 4th to be exact. Matthew and I had life plans that we unfortunately did not get to do. However, we did design a house together to build and because it was our future plans I have decided that FOR ME ONLY I would like to move forward with the build of this home. I think a new place that forces you to get out of bed and meet knew people may vary well be a good plan for you. Just know we are all here going through it too. Please feel free to share more with me if you like. Hugs

Hi again, Ty. I see from your response to me that you have thought this out somewhat and you will be with family when you move, so you won't be completely alone. I wish you well. The "one year" rule is only a guideline...............only you know what is right for you. The great thing about this board is that it will be here for you no matter where you move to! Thank you so much for sharing your story.....I can really relate to it as I also became the caregiver for my husband and watched helplessly as the cancer did terrible things to his body and soul. That is a nightmare I will never completely erase from my memory. I wish you hope and peace no matter which city you end up living in. Sylvia

Lucky daughter, yes I have really pit a lot of thought into it. Oh course I have family here where I currently live (mother, sisters, brothers,cousins). Bit I also have family there (dad, sister, brother)..and my family here ( mother) just think I'm moving to fast, I should wait, but wait for what...she see how unhappy I am here , but I think it is for her own selfish reasons, she does that want me to be to close to my dad, it's not that she come and sit with me and talk to me much, or even try to get me out of the house , but just to know I'm at my sisters house in my bedroom with door closed. I know my living situation isn't right, I know I should and I could be doing better and I think they should be happy for me to at least try. Like I said, I don't have a job anymore, I lost a lot if clients when my husband was sick, and not only that I need a job with benefits now retirement, health insurance etc...I can't get a job here that will pay me enough to start. Starting here I may get 9 an hour, where as to there I can start at 13.50 an hour. So all the pros are out weighing the cons for me leave and at least try. Who knows I may meet new friends along the way...and as far as getting there I just talk to on star in my car and I am there!!...so preparing for my new life in my new city is what keeps me motivated these days, and I am so ready for it.