On 10/23/13 I will be back at court and face the individuals that caused my husbands death. The evidence presented in this preliminary court trial only takes me back to that horrible evening... On the last court trial I was able to see in slow motion how my husbands life was taken away and all I could to see watch the tape and my heart was torn... My husband was on his way home and I had just finish talking to him on the phone. He was telling me how much he loved me and his kids and how blessed he felt for having us and that he couldn't ask God for more because he had it all.. He was happy, it was also his 39th birthday and he knew that his kids and I were waiting for him to celebrate his birthday. He was smiling; he was happy and all of the sudden out of no where this car slammed into his car, sending him to collide with other cars. At the end when everything ended there were a total of 8 cars. All 7 cars hit my husbands car... I get to see and relive the moment each time I'm there... This is a true nightmare!!!

I can't sleep and just when I think I got myself together here come the 30th. Another reminder of another month that he's gone... I'm a complete mess; emotionally and physically. There hasn't a day that goes by that I don't cry and just feel like a zombie. I have no interest in doing my hair. I just walk around with a pony tail and wear what ever. Some of my relatives ask "what happen to you, if your husband was here he wouldn't recognize you" and I tell them if he was here I wouldn't be like this. They just don't understand that it's too hard, especially when I relive each moment each month... They just don't get it.

I feel that I have done a good job so far since my husbands death. My two kids and I arrange his funeral services. We continued doing things as a family and his funeral wasn't an exception. We made sure that we honored my husband with our full participation and dedication to a wonderful service for a courageous man. Also five days after his death my husband and I had a court appearance to represent my daughter in her sexual assault case. I was there, with all my heart torn away but I was there making sure that justice prevail. It was hard but I was there... Then I took care of all legal things and I make sure that my kids are taken care of each day... I may not function right how I use to but I'm doing my best... Although I have to admit there are moment that I wish to close my eyes forever and join my husband.. Yet, as much as I would like to be with him I know that I have my two kids. Life hasn't been fair for them so why should I make things worse... I know that my husband at this moment agrees with me.. I know that I still need to face more challenges before the day comes when I look back at my life and say I did it.. Until then I must live what it is; despite of my opinion...