Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband died suddenly 5 months ago while out on his Saturday morning run. I'm struggling with many things, but I need help with this.
I met my husband in 7th grade, we were married for 19 years, and we have a 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter. He was 44 at the time of his death and I am 44 as well. Just a little background.
For several years I had been in a funk; just not really happy and probably not much fun to be around at times. I was struggling with the meaning and purpose of life. I hated my job (still do), didn't socialize much with friends or family, and had no hobbies or interests to speak of. I just felt like at 44 I should have a better handle on my life. Compared to my husband I was serious and detail oriented he was fun and outgoing. He loved riding motorcycles (but gave it up after kids), sky diving, dirt biking, and anything with risk and danger involved. He lived in the present I was always planning for the future. Total opposites.
I also felt that our relationship had fallen into a funk. I think we had become too comfortable with each other, you know, thinking and believing that we would ALWAYS have each other and we had time to work on us. We spent so much time taking care of our kids and making sure they did well in school and that they were involved in karate and ballet that we forgot about US. And I was so serious that I seldom stopped to laugh and have fun.
A few months before his death we had just started going out for walks together and going alone to grab a quick dinner without the kids.
Lately I find myself feeling like I made his life miserable. Although he was the type of person who would have a blast even if no one else in the room was. I feel like I wasted so much time thinking and planning that I forgot to live. I feel like he got it right and tried to show me the way but I never would buy into it. Why is it after death that I realize how good my life really was?
He was not perfect (neither am I), and during our relationship we had many tough times but...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB AT BEING A BETTER WIFE AND FRIEND!!! I feel like I really failed at this part of my life.
Has anyone else had these feelings? I hope I made a little sense.
This is a rough road to travel. I know I can do it (I have no choice). But it's HARD!!!!!
I met my husband in 7th grade, we were married for 19 years, and we have a 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter. He was 44 at the time of his death and I am 44 as well. Just a little background.
For several years I had been in a funk; just not really happy and probably not much fun to be around at times. I was struggling with the meaning and purpose of life. I hated my job (still do), didn't socialize much with friends or family, and had no hobbies or interests to speak of. I just felt like at 44 I should have a better handle on my life. Compared to my husband I was serious and detail oriented he was fun and outgoing. He loved riding motorcycles (but gave it up after kids), sky diving, dirt biking, and anything with risk and danger involved. He lived in the present I was always planning for the future. Total opposites.
I also felt that our relationship had fallen into a funk. I think we had become too comfortable with each other, you know, thinking and believing that we would ALWAYS have each other and we had time to work on us. We spent so much time taking care of our kids and making sure they did well in school and that they were involved in karate and ballet that we forgot about US. And I was so serious that I seldom stopped to laugh and have fun.
A few months before his death we had just started going out for walks together and going alone to grab a quick dinner without the kids.
Lately I find myself feeling like I made his life miserable. Although he was the type of person who would have a blast even if no one else in the room was. I feel like I wasted so much time thinking and planning that I forgot to live. I feel like he got it right and tried to show me the way but I never would buy into it. Why is it after death that I realize how good my life really was?
He was not perfect (neither am I), and during our relationship we had many tough times but...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB AT BEING A BETTER WIFE AND FRIEND!!! I feel like I really failed at this part of my life.
Has anyone else had these feelings? I hope I made a little sense.
This is a rough road to travel. I know I can do it (I have no choice). But it's HARD!!!!!
When you forgive yourself, you are forgiven,
Excerpt From: Martha W. Hickman. Healing After Loss.
Like you, my husband passed away suddenly.
I remember friends, whose spouses had passed away, saying things like "if only I had been kinder, hadn't bickered so much, etc., etc." I would think that, of course, marriages go through these stages, it is a part of being with someone 24/7, and wondering why my friends were kicking themselves after their spouses died.
Then my husband died and I went through the same thing! If only, if only, if only... We had been married for 38 years. It was a good marriage (in fact, the envy of some friends) but certainly not a perfect marriage. I don't think that exists.
It has taken me a while (it will soon be two years since my husband died) but I've finally realized that he would not want me to feel this way.
We all have our faults. In my case, I realize now that my husband knew that I loved him and would not want me to beat myself up over this.
I hope you find the peace that you deserve!
I think guilt and regret are all part of the grieving process. At 5 months I felt the same, then again at 7 months, then again at 8 months. I believe that we all have regrets but we can't dwell on them or devalue the good we did have also. He was fun loving so you balanced him. Opposites attract 2 much likeness is boring or combustible. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some love. No negative self talk ot thoughts. Both is road is tough enough. You are grieving and second guessing things. Go easy on yourself. Hugs Robyn
Kasandra