Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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sandy28 04/25/2015

My husband died suddenly 5 months ago while out on his Saturday morning run. I'm struggling with many things, but I need help with this.

I met my husband in 7th grade, we were married for 19 years, and we have a 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter. He was 44 at the time of his death and I am 44 as well. Just a little background.

For several years I had been in a funk; just not really happy and probably not much fun to be around at times. I was struggling with the meaning and purpose of life. I hated my job (still do), didn't socialize much with friends or family, and had no hobbies or interests to speak of. I just felt like at 44 I should have a better handle on my life. Compared to my husband I was serious and detail oriented he was fun and outgoing. He loved riding motorcycles (but gave it up after kids), sky diving, dirt biking, and anything with risk and danger involved. He lived in the present I was always planning for the future. Total opposites.

I also felt that our relationship had fallen into a funk. I think we had become too comfortable with each other, you know, thinking and believing that we would ALWAYS have each other and we had time to work on us. We spent so much time taking care of our kids and making sure they did well in school and that they were involved in karate and ballet that we forgot about US. And I was so serious that I seldom stopped to laugh and have fun.

A few months before his death we had just started going out for walks together and going alone to grab a quick dinner without the kids.

Lately I find myself feeling like I made his life miserable. Although he was the type of person who would have a blast even if no one else in the room was. I feel like I wasted so much time thinking and planning that I forgot to live. I feel like he got it right and tried to show me the way but I never would buy into it. Why is it after death that I realize how good my life really was?

He was not perfect (neither am I), and during our relationship we had many tough times but...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB AT BEING A BETTER WIFE AND FRIEND!!! I feel like I really failed at this part of my life.

Has anyone else had these feelings? I hope I made a little sense.

This is a rough road to travel. I know I can do it (I have no choice). But it's HARD!!!!!

dschwartz 04/25/2015

Absolutely makes sense Sandy. I think it's quite the norm after many years of marriage and raising a family . . to not take time to smell the roses. Too many other things grab our attention and in reality most of those things do need our attention and time. Please don't beat yourself up now. You were the best wife (friend) and mother you could be. Period.

Yes, this is probably a bit of all you mentioned above . . regret and guilt. Again, all the norm for newly widow/widowers. You are not alone in this.

Ruts? We all get in them. Easily done. No one is perfect and life is not perfect. We are human.

Deep breaths are in order. Breath. Be gentle with self, especially right now. Hope that knowing you are not alone on this journey helps somewhat. Hugs to you, Dayna

dschwartz 04/25/2015

P.S. I forgot to say that I am deeply sorry for your loss and send sincere condolences to you and your family.

sandy28 04/25/2015

Thank you Dayna; especially for the reminder "deep breaths".

wendimac 04/25/2015

That sounds very familiar, and you make a lot of sense...I have been going through the same thing with regard to wishing I had been a 'better wife', wishing I had listened to him more, wishing I hadn't invested so much time worrying and trying to make ends meet that our marriage was kind of 'on the back burner', so to speak. My husband was a musician, and before he got sick, he was a fun loving kind of guy, whereas I got so caught up in caring for our son ( who is autistic and has heart issues), dealing with doctors and social workers, and often, being cranky and not wanting to do anything, including marital relations...I lost interest in a lot of things. He wasn't perfect, either...he was struggling with addiction, which eventually led to the liver disease that killed him, but I could have been more 'there' for him. Now that he's gone, I regret a lot of things that I can't fix anymore...so I know what you mean. ..He's been gone a little over 5 weeks now, and I'm struggling just to get through each day. Fortunately I have my son, otherwise I really can't tell you what I would have done...I was also 44 when he passed away ( just turned 45 a couple of weeks ago), my husband was 59.
I have no answers, but what I can tell you is that you are not alone with these feelings...I am consumed by the same thoughts...should have done this, wish I'd done that...it's like a wildfire in my heart that never goes out. Not only that, back in 2006, we separated for a short period because the child welfare threatened to take our son due to his substance abuse issues...I ended up taking our son and staying with my mom for a couple of months, and he went to stay in a hotel in the downtown eastside (we live in greater Vancouver, and that's the worst part of town that there is) where I believe he caught the disease (Hep C) that eventually led to his death. And that is something that weighs very heavy on my conscience...if only I had been stronger, if only we had quietly left the province, etc.
Long story short, I completely understand where you are coming from Take care, and we have to try to get through this as best as we can.

wendimac 04/25/2015

Moreover, I want to offer my condolences to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I guess the only thing we can do is live day to day and try to focus on the happy memories.

nowjustme 04/25/2015

Most definitely! I feel the exact same way. I could have been better to my husband, which I was but now I see I should have done much more. I miss him so much and have so many regrets & guilt. But........had he lived and I died he would have had just as many. He was not perfect either. All we can do is move on, we can't change a thing about our past. Its a very hard road, and I hate being on it.
It will get easier but never the same.
Hugs and better days ahead.
JoAnn

letmehelpyou 04/25/2015

It makes perfect sense. Here is the thing. You can't change the past and focusing on what you could have done keeps from the present. Accept that you did the best you could at the time and move on. We take things for granted, we get complacent. It is human nature.

What I did was I tried to take my lesson and learn from it. Tried to become more spontaneous, take joy in the small things and live my life now to the fullest. This didn't happen right away and took a lot of time and work, but it made me feel better about myself. Just know that we have all felt this way and we are here for you.

Hugs,
Val

doyew 04/25/2015

Remember: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why we call it the present."

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Let's don't spend it on regret and "what-ifs". None of us is perfect and hindsight is 20/20. Try to re-live the happy times and good parts of your relationship. We all made mistakes. Hugs to you and best wishes for "the journey."
Doye

jeanatds 04/25/2015

Perfect sense Sandy. 'Now that you helped me figure it all out God, please send him back to me.' We know people can't really understand what we are going through yet we expect of ourselves to have known all along what this loss would have been like. It sounds like you were circling back to the US, it was time and as a result of your parenting you have two thriving children, no doubt the joy of your husband's life. I don't think living life without regret means you're a perfect person, I think it means you recognize you're human and with that, you learn to forgive yourself. I'm sorry for your loss Sandy.

GeorgiaW 04/25/2015

I'm on the same page and find myself regretting I did not do more to make my husbands last couple of years better for him
Neal had Alzheimer's and while his personality stayed sweet and calm his ability to do things kept diminishing which put more work on my shoulders and at times added resentment which I hope I hid from him
It helped in some ways when our daughter and our grandaughter moved back home but it also added to my stress and work load which added to my resentment
We did try to get my husband out of the house to join us even if it was just to go for a ride but he almost never went. Our home? His chair were his comfort zones. Still I know I could have done more, I even thought at times of how much better I should be treating him but life just kept seeming to get in my way.
I guess a day doesn't go by that I don't wish I'd get a second chance to really show him how much I love him and how greatful I am that we found each other and ignored all the people that thought it would never work out

sandeestttn 04/25/2015

They say opposites attract. Theres proof!!... I am sorry for your loss. Sandee

sandy28 04/25/2015

Thank you all for being so transparent. This journey is a crazy one, as much as I hate to think of all of you experiencing the pain that we must go through I am grateful that I found you all. I know where to come for clarity and understanding. I'm not afraid to share my true thoughts and feelings here. I know there is something for me to learn and I am trying to live in the present. Again...I so appreciate all of your words of encouragement and support. Hugs to all.

sandy28 04/25/2015

Terri, I do know he loved me and I still love him. And you are right "there is nothing more to say". Grief and pain seem to make us forget that. Thank you.

KimKos 04/25/2015

I am very sorry for your loss. I can't say I felt like this after my husband passed but I did feel like that at different points in our marriage. Strong marriages go through these stages...It sounds like you were at the reconnecting stage..and I so sorry your story ends there...I was fortunate enough to get a few more of those than you and it really got better...then my story..ended...there is someone out there that was even more fortunate and even got more...yet here we all are. ..please dont beat yourself up...this journey is hard enough...sending you hugs..and peaceful wishes

calgaryhair 04/25/2015

For whatever it is worth, I am able to speak to many widows in my line of work and most have regrets. Should have, could have but didn't is what I hear. My self included. Ron was told years ago if he didn't quit smoking it would shorten his life. I begged, pleaded, bribed, yelled, cried, and even threatened if he did not quit smoking. All the threats and anger were a waste of time. He died with COPD and was smoking right up till the end. I wish now that it is too late, I had accepted him as he was instead of trying to make him who he wasn't. A non smoker. I did stop nagging when the Doctor told me it was too late. The damage was done. Would I do anything different if I had the chance? Yes, I would be more understanding. But the end result would be the same.I believe we as wives/ husbands, probably did the best of our ability under the circumstances. So often I read in the messages "be kind to yourself" Such excellent advice! Time to forgive ourselves.

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