I don't know what happened but the moment I read the title of your post I had a lump in my throat. Then having read your post I lost it. There is an old song in French on having no regrets. Guess will listen to it and have a good cry

That feeling can suddenly wash over me without warning. Usually triggered by something unrelated. Sometimes there is a feeling of understanding and release but mostly self pounding. One thing is true, what we experience is a reconstruction of our point of view and not necessarily how our loved one saw it. Then I have to admit this is really about me and requires self forgiveness. Sounds corney, I know but I’m so much better at self punishment than self forgiveness that I figure it’s time for a new skill.

I am much better at self-punishment. Always have been since I was a child I guess. My husband used to tell me to stop using energy dwelling and worrying about things. He was good at letting things go or at least hiding them...now after some things have come to light I'm not sure which. One thing I know for sure in my heart is that no matter what happened in the past he told me he was blessed to have me in his life, best thing that every happened to him and I was the one who was there until the bitter end standing by his side........I truly loved him and lost my best friend the day he died. I lost myself as well. I wish I could just talk to him one more time. Make sure he knew how much I loved him.

April, please trust that down deep he knew how much you loved him every day you were with him, and he'll carry that love with him forever.

I hope that this reply can bring you some peace on this emotion-filled day. I believe that all of us who have lost our partners have wrestled with “could-have, would have, should-have”. I certainly did.
What I came away with was this. We are all, by nature, flawed human beings. As much as I’m inclined to memorialize Kurt as the perfect husband, he wasn’t. And neither was I the perfect wife. Still, we had a very good marriage. We had our fair share of conflicts and misunderstandings that temporarily seemed to weaken our connection. But we also shared times of joy and laughter that strengthened our connection. Given our individual flaws, we tried to be the best people we could be for each other. Sometimes we fell short of our own expectations, but that was good enough for us then and it has to be good enough now.
As the ones left behind we have to live with the hard fact that there are no do-overs. Regrets and guilt can’t change our past, but they can change our future. The most regrettable trait that I brought to my marriage was my impatience which led to many frustrating times for both of us. Because of that regret I now vow to be more patient with others.
I truly believe that given a choice our spouses would prefer that we learn and grow from our regrets rather that beat ourselves up by dwelling on them
Be kind to yourself, April. My hope is that you work through this phase of grieving soon and that you’ll be able to treasure what you two were to each other, warts and all.
Warm hugs,
Ellen

Ellen,

What a powerful, helpful message that is. I am going to print it and post near my mirror, so that I will read it and heed it each morning when I shave.

Thank you very much for sharing these thoughts. Alice, I'm sure that we all have things in our lives we wish we could do differently, but all we can do is try to learn from our past to make our future better. Hoping and praying you can find peace with yourself.
Joe

Oh Sweetheart, there are always regrets. That goes on while they are with us and are long remembered after they are gone. Try to focus on the memories that are sweet. I am sure that there are a lot more of them than unhappy ones.

Actually,I have spent much of today regretting. I lost my dear Tom this Feb. Over the last couple years he had many medical issues and required a lot of care from me. At times I was impatient. Boy do I ever wish that wasn't so ! My life is so empty without him.

Thank you all for your kindness and compassion and insight. It’s helpful to know that I am not the only one feeling these emotions that can be overwhelming at times. This group has been a treasure. Hugs to you all

As I read all these wonderful thoughts and words, I realized that our grief is as much about the wonderful love story each of us were blessed to have experienced. Of course we are sad and devastated beyond words only because we lived and existed in a great love. All of us wish we could have had more time. But if it was only more time as an extension of the time we already had together, few if any of us would have realized what we really had and sadly lost. I know I approach life differently now, looking at it from a completely different perspective. I know I've changed, and like to think I've changed for the better. I've certainly learned to live in the moments as presented, to actively engage life to the best of my ability. Planning for my future? No way, she was my future and my life. Sure, we all made mistakes but it was our love that overcame, endured and was the glue that held us together no matter what. So many words, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and profound emptiness simply because she is no longer here with me. Happy 33rd anniversary Juanita. You knew how much I loved you and you me. Thank you for putting up with me all those years :) Scottie

I've come in late on this but just want to say you all said all of the right things. I agree Ellen had a powerful response.

Lostmytruelove, The fact that he felt blessed to have you and that you were the best thing that ever happened to him shows me how much you meant to him. I would hold onto those words each time you have regrets. Love and Hugs, Dolores

Yes I definitely have regrets. From the past in our relationship, There were things I didn't seem to value, things I took for granted, things I didn't say and should have!! I missed many opportunities to enrich our lives. I took too many things to seriously and wasn't open enough verbally. My husband and I had many brief phone calls throughout each day. We would touch base and fill each other in on a recap of the upcoming days events in the morning and how things were going through the day. He drove semi for several years and even though he was home most nights we kept in touch during our work days. I know now that this was his way of making sure I was ok and it kept him happy to hear my voice. ( i didn't realized the voice part until after his passing) Anyway we spoke the morning of his death in a very brief 7 min phone call to discuss our day. As we ended that phone call I didn't say I love you like I always did. I didn't consciously choose not to say it. It was the way we always ended our conversations until the next phone call. For some reason I didn't say it and I regret that more than anything because that was our last phone call. The last time I would hear his voice and get that picture coming up on my phone to alert me that he was calling. It haunts me daily. Hugs to you
Lisa

There was a quote that I always remember, and it echoes with Ellen's message.
"Don't let perfection be the enemy of good."

There are many things we would have done very differently had we known we only had so much time with our beloved. For me, my regrets were not so much of what I did but rather than what I did not do.

Please remember that although we can all be kinder and more compassionate towards others, we are who we are, with flaws, baggage and regrets. Your husband loves you for the person you are, and not a "yes" person.

I encourage you to listen to the song "Heart of the Matter".

You're uncanny, rain
Kurt and I took this quote to heart:

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

I can absolutely relate with what you're going through. I have so much guilt thinking that I did not do everything to save my husband. I am blaming myself for his demise....but I can't go back in the past. @ Ellen, thank you for your reply, it opened my mind...I should be thankful for the wonderful life that I was able to spend with my husband...

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.....

I think we've all been there, done that. I have learned the hard way that the more I go down that road, the more misery I make for myself - totally needlessly and I agree with Ellen and the others that I don't think Cliff would want me beating myself up over silly stupid stuff. He once told me that I was perfect for him, that even my imperfections were perfect for him. Neither of us reached the "ideal" - we were people, not saints. We had times where we fought like hell, too. But sometimes that also kept us balanced and kept things interesting (to say nothing of the make-up sex!), so mostly I try not to let the voice of regret or guilt take over my internal thought committee.

Don't let pointless guilt or regrets prevent you living the life he would have wanted you to have. I know that's easier said than done - I still have bouts of it, even after all these years.

Love and Hugs,
Martha