Squeege, People tell you not to regret things because it's a negative waste, won't change anything except perhaps future behavior. If you regret most of your life, how do you change it?
i told you how I regretted everything that happened the day my husband died. If I focus on that it hurts more and for what? I can't change it, I have to accept being a stupid, fallible woman. That's why I told you love forgives. I know when I see my husband again, he's not going to start with why didn't you do x or x.
It sounds to me like you hurt so much, you're beating yourself up.
Regret what you need to, especially if it helps you become a better person.
This is the darkest moment of our lives. We're holding hands here trying to make it through this night. Know your girlfriend has seen your sorry and forgives you. Maybe you'll work it through to forgive yourself. I hope. Praying you find peace, Trici

I know your absolutely right Trici. i guess thats the whole thing in a nutshell. . . forgiving yourself. it's not something you can go and get, i guess thats the place you need to get to eventually or die trying.
Thanks :)

Hind sight is 20-20, sometimes I think what if I had done this or that, but don't allow myself to linger, I change what I am doing immediately. Hubby knew I did my best, loved him more than life itself, I need not punish myself, he would not want it. I feel he died that I may live and I am trying to live for both of us. God bless.

Squeege, first I am sorry for your loos and the way that it happened. You are not alone here and we are happy to offer support. There are some that know that type of pain, but all here know the loss of a life partner.
Come here often and share. Remember the choices not yours were not in your control. I have a past John did well with helping me through it, but even then I could barely try at times. He passed from cancer...but left me with the knowing of ways to help myself.

Though I know the thought process that goes on when a person wants to give in. More than once I took that path to get relief, none of it had to do with my love for John, but returning memories of my past before him, combined with the additional weight of the current circumstances at the time. Not all that heavy on their own, more of a "stick that broke the camel's back" thing.

So please don't replay the woulda, coulda, shoulda's, she already did and couldn't overcome it. I don't want that for you. Take the good and file the rest in the "I had no control over it" box. I know the pain I brought John in my attempts, but he also knew the pain that took me there.

I am still here, fighting even with out my anchor.
Jewells

I don't have any regrets. We loved each other, did the best for each other. Yes there are things we have done or not done that annoyed each other. He was a million miles away when he passed. We never had a chance to say good bye. A medium told me that he was sorry he did not leave things in a better state to me. If he could hear me, I have told him I appreciated all the years we were together, He was a good husband, father and grandfather who had taken good care of us in life and even after death. We have not regrets and may he rest in peace.

It has been 4 1/2 years since my husband passed away. He was poisoned in Vietnam from Agent Orange that our own country dropped on their soldiers. There was nothing I or the doctors could do stop him from dying. I have no regrets and never will. This situation was out of my control. I do still have anger at the government for what they did to my husband and many many others. I will never regret any of the life I had with him.

Yup, regret sucks. There was nothing I could have done to prevent my wife from getting sick and then eventually dying. However, I at times did regret treating the last day I saw here alive (she was, for all intents and purposes, dead by the time I was able to get to her side the following day) as any normal day. Granted it was in a rehab facility but I just went about our usual routine...talking, catching her up on things, rubbing feet/hands/head/back, etc. and then leaving at my usual time to pick up our daughter. Obviously had I known what was coming the next day I would have gone about things differently. In time I was able to stop feeling regret because I knew there was no way of knowing and there was nothing I could have done. I also think there would have been some sort of regret regardless of the circumstances. Hopefully you can do the same at some point.

If you have regrets, then its ok to acknowledge them if there was anything you actually could have done or not done. What you do once you identify them is what you need to figure out.

What Trici said about forgiving yourself is the key to any analysis I have seen of it.

I think it's natural to have regret. We're not perfect and there's always something we wish we had done differently.
I have regrets with some of the choices we made with my husbands cancer treatments. But I'm trying to forgive myself, I can't change the past and it won't bring him back. Just lessons learned.

Good luck and find peace.
Diane

Livingbyfaith is right on, hindsight is always 20/20, You cannot regret what the future has not yet shown you. Those famous miserable words "IF ONLY".

George.

Squeege - I agree with what's been answered here by our sweet crew, but i also want to say - don't bury it. Regret, guilt, anger - they all surface. Burying those feelings won't make them go away. You're correct in what you've said, that we feel what we feel. It's a delicate balance on the edge of that abyss. Hugs to you - Marsha

I try to look at the big picture in our life. Sure there were regrets along the way, but more important to me is I loved him and he loved me. We both knew that. Even if he was here now we would recognize things that were not as we thought, but as people that is part of living. Regret is something that is common to grief, but if you make it a place to dwell it grows. If you look at it, accept it, and know they know your intent it becomes smaller than the love you shared. Sharon

This is the best advice I can give you, regrets just beat you up, what is done is done. You can always find some shoula done. But know that you loved each other and that is what counts

.God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Best to you,
Jeff

Thank you jeff for the serenity Prayer. I use this daily to cope. John's cancer was like wildfire, we did all we could do to slow it down.

Like many here, just a moment or two with my head turned, he slipped away. ...likely because he felt at ease to at the time. It was his one last choice.

Oh yes, regret is part of the deal. If positions had been reversed your loved one would be feeling the same, and you would forgive in a heartbeat. So too, are you forgiven. We all do the wrong thing, but we are also human, and yes, we do fail - but to forgive yourself is now someething you have to do for yourself. There is more than enough hurting on this journey of loss so forgive and allow yourself to accept forgiveness in return,That is what love is, it would not hold the loved one in bondage for not always having made the best choices. It is OK to have made a toffee up here and there.Don't we all? ((HUGS))