Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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mclizm 03/06/2015

So this week marked 8 mos since my husband, PJ died. Of course I felt sad and was tearful and then, almost as if the light bulb went off in my head, the thought came to me that maybe I should be celebrating that I've survived 8 mos without him. I can't say I'm thriving yet but I'd like to. Maybe it's the springlike weather here in the AZ desert but I feel like I have the desire/energy to do something. I was reading Widow to Widow and it struck a chord when she talked about the house becoming a shrine of sorts. Everything in mine is still virtually the same as the day PJ died. His hat is still hanging by the door ready for him to grab on his way out. His clothes are still hanging next to mine in the closet. Is this holding me back? I know in the early days I felt like if I just waited long enough he'd be back. As the time has gone on I'm coming to accept that that isn't going to happen. I won't see him again in this life. So maybe it's time to start packing his stuff away, and that's when the guilty feelings crept in. That somehow I'm packing HIM away. That I"m being disloyal to our love and life together. But at the same time our life together seems like it happened a lifetime ago! I don't want to be this sad, lonely person who's afraid of everything. I want to embrace life and have new adventures. Get to know ME as an independent woman. How do I balance wanting to move forward with feelings of guilt about doing it? Have others felt this way? Is this just a normal part of the roller-coaster of grief? I'd love to hear about others experiences. Liz

diamorrow 03/06/2015

I am only 2 weeks into this and i cant move any of his things. I let his kids pick some things they wanted to take home but otherwise I just cant do it. I am also expecting him to walk through the door...why he was taken from me at the height of our lives makes me so mad/sad....I hope you get some good advice. I can use it too.

dvelasco69 03/06/2015

I am 2 1/2 months out. Hubby was sick for 18 months with leukemia. I am gradually bringing in new stuff and letting go of the old. I had a quilt made of all his favorite t shirts, collage picture blankets for my daughters. I gave away some of his non sentimental clothes. I started buying myself some new spring clothes and put in his closet so it never looks empty.

SandyV1 03/06/2015

Hi Liz
8 months was a turning point for me. It coincided with Christmas.
While I sorted some of M's things early (bathroom items, some drawers and wardrobe - things that just hurt too much to look at), I just packed and stored most of them. I couldn't bear to part with them. New year was my light bulb and I cleared out the pantry and cleaned the house properly - first time in 8 months. It lightened my spirits!
2 weeks ago a homeless and transition charity was appealing for pyjamas and trousers. That seemed to me a much better option and more personal than just putting them in the general donation bins so I'm going to keep looking out for similar appeals. And the charity workers were so nice.
My approach is little by little. I hadn't considered that I was weighed down but equally I am really glad I didn't have to do the big clear out early as I was in no condition to make any decisions I didn't have to. I do think I should've done the cleaning sooner:)
I'm still keeping things that have a strong connection (including the hats near the door) and will revisit them later. For now, they're far more comfort than weight.
All the best
Sandy

Livingbyfaith 03/06/2015

its been over a year and I hate it. It gets worse. I have been so busy in a business we owned I can't really think, but when I have a free minute its agonizing. Married 47 years, I don't really know how to live without him. I have animals family close lots of friends but nothing fills that gap. He was my lover, best friend we shared everything. Oh I know he's gone and I am cleaning things out however the pain is so new, not easing at all. I have learned to depend on God much more maybe that is what this is all about. There are triggers that make me sad, songs, memories but then you go on. I have widow friends and see the pain in their eyes after so many years. The bible promises He will care for the widows, I stand on that promise.

kelleysgirl 03/06/2015

What helped me get through the giving/donating/selling of my husbands things was the thought of "now it's time for these things to go make someone else happy". Of course I kept some things that will always be special to me, but just keeping that thought in my mind helped me to keep moving forward. I hope this will help you too. Blessings always.

zinger56 03/06/2015

I lost my husband of 40 years 9 months ago and still can't bring myself to go through his clothes or personal things. I just can't find the strength yet and truly understand the feeling of guilt. having to make changes and taking his name off as my beneficiary was so hard. So glad I joined DS to know there are others dealing with this same grief.

diamorrow 03/06/2015

It is a comfort to me to now that I am not the only one who cant go through my husbands things....it has only been 2 weeks and I really thought I could do it but cant.
I am having someone come to look at his tools and help me sell them but that is nothing like going through all his clothes and personal things. I let his kids take a few things but mostly it is all here.
So much to do when I barely have the strength to get out of bed and take care of the dogs.

npc4204 03/06/2015

Liz, I understand what you're feeling.
Monday will be 8 months since my husband passed.
I haven't cleared out his closet. I feel if I get rid of his clothes I would be trying to get rid of him. I know in my head that it's silly to think like that, but I can't help it.
I'm in no hurry. Someday I'll open that closet.

kynessie 03/06/2015

I am four years into this journey. What I decided to do was a systematic purge of everything I did not need. I donated all his clothes/shoes and I sold a l ot of his things. I had a gun auction for his collection. In my mind, I thought of what Brian would want me to do. I knew enough about guns that they should not just lie around and not be cleaned. He was meticulous about his guns and other things. I knew he would want someone else to enjoy them and for me to have the money.

I don't think I realized how much stuff we had until I started this cleaning. I cleaned every drawer, every closest, every corner, two garages, and the attic. I can't tell you how freeing the feeling has been. It took me 3 years to do it and I couldn't do it all at once, but it was good for me.

I started the week after the funeral. Not only did it help me out financially, but it helped me emotionally and mentally. I feel organized and it makes me feel so much more secure for some reason.

I will admit that two things I have not moved are his toothbrush and razor from the cup by the bathroom sink. I feel that is a personal thing that I don't want to get rid of. It gives me comfort to see them first thing in the morning. I know he is with me always.

Nessie from KY

missthemusic 03/07/2015

It's 10 months March 28th that I lost my husband of 45 years. I gave my son his watch which was actually a gift he had purchased for his dad. But other than that, everything is as he left it. His toiletries still sit on the bathroom counter. I can not get rid or remove any of his things, not yet. It's gut wrenching to see his clothing hanging in the closet, but I can not do this, not yet. It was all I could to remove his name from the bank account, etc. I felt as though I was erasing his very existence on this earth. And there are his toys, as I laughingly used to call them, and there are many....I can not part with them, not yet. I will keep his belongings until I am ready if/when that day comes.

diamorrow 03/07/2015

I am glad you posted about getting rid of things. I had to clear the bathroom counter so his family could use it but I can not bring myself to go through his clothes yet. Glad I am not the only one struggling with that. This is so helpful to read about how others are handling things. Makes me feel so not lone and different.

eric1971 03/07/2015

I'm sorry for your loss, and that you have to go through this. I lost my wife almost 2 1/2 years ago, and I was told to do things when I felt like doing them. About 4 months after she passed the ladies at work were talking about shoes, I mentioned that I had about 2 dozen pairs at home that won't fit me (trying to be lighthearted). No one at work was the same size, but one lady said her sister works at a church and they could use them for needy women. I thought this was a great idea, so I donated them. After a wile, I donated her clothes also knowing that she was always ready to help someone in need. If your not sure what you want to do, maybe try packing them up (I know this hurts), put the boxes in another room, and see how you feel. You can always put them back, there is no right or wrong here, only do what you are comfortable with, when you are ready.

gtgeo 03/07/2015

I understand completely your feeling of "packing him away" and feeling that you are somehow being disloyal. I will soon have a year since losing my kind Scottie. I have cleaned out some things and each time it felt like letting another piece of him go. It was so hard. Then I asked a friend to help me. I told her which closet or drawer I was ready to have emptied, gave her a bag and she took care of it, including taking it to her home charity. I still have his slippers by the fireplace, his hats and jackets on the coat rack and his clothes hanging in the one closet we shared together. Until seeing these things brings me more pain than the sliver of comfort I still get when I see them, touch them, they will remain. I think you will know when you are ready. Love that you "want to embrace life and have adventures". Go with it. Best advice I was given by a friend, also a widow, was - don't judge yourself. Be gentle and experiment. Again you will know if what you are doing is working or not. I give myself permission to change my mind as often as I need to...drop back and re-group...try again.

gerald222 03/07/2015

The feelings you express are totally normal. I am at 2 years and have done the sorting in stages as my emotions would allow. In the beginning I cried more than sorted. There is no right or wrong way to do this and no particular timeframe. I remember when I cancelled my wife's credit card I cried all day because I felt I was cancelling part of her. I have sentimental stuff scattered throughout the house so a part of her will always feel here with me. Listen to your heart and go by your own pace and rules.

michaelbmanning 03/07/2015

Hey, Liz,
I have pretty much kept everything right where it is for over four years. I think I am used to the piles of stuff and boxes in the basement. I have not got rid on one thing except for underwear. I have no use for that so it went. I have little kids that might want to go through stuff when they are older and one that will learn of his dad through all this mess as he was born after Mike died. No need to get rid of the guns. I need guns. Or the tools. I like tools and have use for them.

This has been a process of finding out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I went back to law school. That degree in education did not cut it for me. I have always known ME and been independent and I bet you know yourself as well. Somewhere deep inside there you are and you will survive like the rest of us here.

Maggie

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