Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm a week away today from one year and I'm struggling with some old guilt issues I had thought I had put to rest. My husband died of brain cancer and during his chemo and radiation, he had an abdominal bleed due to being on a blood thinner for some heart issues. He never really recovered from this bleed and spent most of the rest of his life in hospitals and finally a nursing facility. He quit eating and had already lost the use of his right hand. He got weaker and weaker and I finally insisted on a feeding tube while he was still in the hospital. He wanted to come home but the Drs and myself felt he needed to go one last time to rehab to try to regain some strength so he could come home. So he went and in a few days stopped doing any rehab and slowly became bedridden, incontinent and it took two CNA's to move him to change sheets, diapers etc. He gave up, I believe because he knew he was dying. It was awful to see your handsome strong vital man go through this. I was with him everyday, but I would go home in the evening, as he mostly slept and I needed some semblance of a normal life. A nursing home is very depressing. Now of course I feel guilty for not being there all the time or at least later in the evening. Because you see, he died after I had gone home one evening. I was not there! I will never forgive myself for that and I feel he hasn't either. Most all of you had your spouses home and were with them when they died. Every time I read it, I feel the guilt. And the last guilt is that I could have had him home, where he wanted to be. Yes, I would have had to have 24/7 care because it was just me and there was no way I could move him by myself. But I didn't. It was expensive, not covered by any insurance and I felt he had the best fastest care there and I was with him everyday. But I was selfish,scared and tired and overwhelmed. But that is no excuse. People tell me I did the best I could, but I think they are placating me, not wanting me to feel guilty. But I do and today, I feel like it's going to destroy me. The pain I feel today is what I deserve for being selfish. I can't call my Mother because she died along time ago and my best friend is away for the day, so I come here not for you to say "oh you did nothing wrong, you shouldn't feel guilty" but for some insight to help me get through this because I feel so terrible. Ive had no signs from my husband and he must be so upset and disappointed with me. I'm embarrassed to tell you all this, but I have no where else to turn .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=___l8Y21yNM
I know you know my love for the Lord, for Jesus, and I want to share something with you. To be absent in body is to be present with the Lord. Immediately. One enters the presence of Almighty God as a believer immediately. According to the Word of God there is absolutely no inbetween. I say this respectfully and gently as I don't want to sound as though I am being pushy or disrespectful of your pain and your mindset. I say this as a widow who completely understands what you are feeling and all the thought process that accompanies it. There is indescribable JOY in heaven...there is no sadness, no tears, no sin, no disappointment in those left behind, nothing of the sort. Your beloved husband is not at all disappointed in you my darling. When arriving into heaven the Bible tells us that we are comforted. That means we know and remember how we died and what we have suffered, and that our comfort turns to JOY...that leads me personally to believe that we are also told of things we may not have been aware of in our transition from life to death. Meaning we are fully aware and understand in a way we could never have as humans what our loved ones and others who surrounded us went through for us or on our behalf. I don't think we are in heaven with half a story.
Everyone's situation is different and requires different things from them. You can't compare your situation with anyone else's, that's unfair to you and your husband. That's no different than comparing his cancer with another's. That would be unfair to him and the other person, you are no less important. I'm not going to say you did what you could, everything you could, I don't think it will help you as you will feel patronized, but I'm not going to tell you that you didn't either and reprimand you. That's not my job or anyone else's my darling. You loved and adored him, your life was coming unraveled and you felt helpless and alone and you were in shock and trying to just put one foot in front of the other because even though the pain was unbearable you kept a lot of it at bay to allow yourself to do what you did do. What we do for our spouses, each one of us who has a story to tell, takes courage and strength and love. Love that transcends even what we thought we were capable of. Easy to talk the talk, couples who marry and say they could "nurse their spouses through a terminal illness" (and then are divorced over any and every other issue)...but we walked the walk. We didn't want or ask for cancer yet we nursed our spouses through it and watched them as they waned away from what is no less than one of the most horrific diseases.
Please be kind to yourself, please try to realize that this is NOT what your husband would want for you, you must know this. He loved you, so very much. His thoughts weren't about what you weren't doing for him dear friend, his thoughts were about leaving you and what he wasn't going to be able to do for you. Don't take that from him.
I am so very sorry for your level of pain and helplessness. I really wish there was something I could say or do.
I am praying for and thinking of you.
Love,
Cindy
7 days before Bob passed he said I'll be home for Easter, I said no you'll be here in the hospital or in a rehab! He just looked at me. 5 days before he passed he told my son-in-law THANK YOU for everything you have done for Carol and I and held out his hand to shake hands- not a Bob thing!!!!,,3 days before he passed he said to me I have a room! I asked the nurse and she checked NO he doesn't ! who told you "The man in white!" Question we have is did Bob know? was he trying to let us know???
I do feel in my heart I made the right choice in having him go to the hospital as they found the infection I was treating at home an seeing wound care once a week was very deep in the foot.. reason for the fever.. My mind is what keeps saying you weren't there! You should of brought him home! I know it is something I have to work through and reading what others have said I guess in time I will... Hugs Carol
I don't know lots of things but without a doubt I know your husband is not upset and disappointed in you at all. How could we get to the other side of the veil and be enlightened and then judge our loved ones left behind? You have regrets, I understand that, but please believe he is sad he had to leave you but proud of how compassionate and caring you are to all of us. Live in the love you shared and let the happier memories comfort you. He is nearby whether you see signs or not - always in your heart and just a thought away. Please see yourself as we do. You are lovely, inside and out. ((())) Sue
As for actually being there "at the moment," I agree completely with the folks here who have said that some people deliberately *choose* to leave when their loved ones have stepped away. I happened to be in the room when my husband stopped breathing, but I don't think he had the slightest awareness whether I was there or not. Both my mother and my father, who did still have some awareness, died shortly after I had left their hospital rooms for the day (my mother quite unexpectedly), and I fully believe they chose that on purpose.
I think being scared and tired and overwhelmed is a MORE than adequate "excuse," if you need one. But I don't think you do. You are human, just like the rest of us. And none of us makes perfect choices all the time. You made the best choices you could under horrible conditions. If you and your husband had changed places, he would have made the best choices he could, and I'll bet $100 you wouldn't have held any of those choices against him, even if they weren't perfect. You would have known he was suffering right along with you, and in some cases more than you, because I think the dying actually take comfort in knowing there will be an end to their suffering, a luxury the surviving spouse doesn't have.
I particularly don't believe the dead EVER hold anything that happened in life against the living. I think whatever lies beyond death imparts a wisdom and a peace that leaves only love behind. While, like you, I have had no discernible signs from my husband, I don't take that as a rebuke; I prefer to see it as his confidence that I have done and continue to do the best my human intellect and emotion allows. I know you'll probably keep beating yourself up, at least for a while, but on this one point, please do try to believe that your husband loved you and wouldn't want you to suffer more pain from believing he's upset with you even after death. The cumulative trust and tolerance built up over a life together can't be eradicated by a few weeks' worth of stress-based decisions. If we could ask our dead spouses what they most want for us, I would think most of them would say "peace," not "regret."
My personal opinion: I think you should do whatever it takes to distract yourself for the next few days from the guilt and the anguish as the anniversary approaches and passes. I think it will be far less overwhelming soon. Unfortunately, you're on one of the down slopes of this ungodly roller coaster we're all on, but hang on to the fact that there's an up somewhere ahead of you. (((((hugs)))))
You could not have done differently and your love was never diminished. xxx
No placating here. There isn't anything that can be said to make you feel better. You feel this guilt for your own reasons and it will be something you will need to work through and come to terms or at least an understanding of yourself.
I will always have some sort of guilt toward the dying of a loved one, whether it be husband or parents. I've just learned how to accept it and come to some sort of peace.
It does help to talk to him. If something bothers me, I will have a verbal, one-sided conversation. By the time I'm done the monkey has left my back, at least for a while anyway.
But we do the best we can do. Roby and I trusted the drs and tried to make all the right decisions, I don't think we could have really done anything different. We never gave up but Cancer won the battle.
People that have never been in our shoes don't really understand what we go through and I hope they never have first hand experience.
We'll make it through this somehow.
What hurts me, too, is that he died when I wasn't there. His brother and I were in the living room watching a movie! we took a number of breaks from the movie, and I would check on him each time. The last time I spoke with him, he wanted me to move his leg - but I couldn't figure out what he wanted as there was no place to move it to! So maybe 1/2 hour later when the movie ended and it was time to roll him over, I went back to his room (just around the corner from the living room) and he was gone! I wasn't there and it just about kills me. I keep thinking I should have stayed with him even though he was sleeping most of the time. but I didn't. I watched a dumb movie.
People tell me that probably he didn't want me to be there and slipped out on his own. for me, I just feel that's too bad - I'm the one left, and I'm the one who feels I should have been there and wasn't. So I kinda know how you feel. You had to go home in order to keep healthy. there's no point in both of you being ill. And I'm sure you did everything you could for him to give him the best care possible - and see that he had the best care when you couldn't. but the guilt over missing that moment is hard. There's nothing we can do but try to let it go (I know, i'm not doing to well at that either. I"m told it will get easier).
-Judy