Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm a week away today from one year and I'm struggling with some old guilt issues I had thought I had put to rest. My husband died of brain cancer and during his chemo and radiation, he had an abdominal bleed due to being on a blood thinner for some heart issues. He never really recovered from this bleed and spent most of the rest of his life in hospitals and finally a nursing facility. He quit eating and had already lost the use of his right hand. He got weaker and weaker and I finally insisted on a feeding tube while he was still in the hospital. He wanted to come home but the Drs and myself felt he needed to go one last time to rehab to try to regain some strength so he could come home. So he went and in a few days stopped doing any rehab and slowly became bedridden, incontinent and it took two CNA's to move him to change sheets, diapers etc. He gave up, I believe because he knew he was dying. It was awful to see your handsome strong vital man go through this. I was with him everyday, but I would go home in the evening, as he mostly slept and I needed some semblance of a normal life. A nursing home is very depressing. Now of course I feel guilty for not being there all the time or at least later in the evening. Because you see, he died after I had gone home one evening. I was not there! I will never forgive myself for that and I feel he hasn't either. Most all of you had your spouses home and were with them when they died. Every time I read it, I feel the guilt. And the last guilt is that I could have had him home, where he wanted to be. Yes, I would have had to have 24/7 care because it was just me and there was no way I could move him by myself. But I didn't. It was expensive, not covered by any insurance and I felt he had the best fastest care there and I was with him everyday. But I was selfish,scared and tired and overwhelmed. But that is no excuse. People tell me I did the best I could, but I think they are placating me, not wanting me to feel guilty. But I do and today, I feel like it's going to destroy me. The pain I feel today is what I deserve for being selfish. I can't call my Mother because she died along time ago and my best friend is away for the day, so I come here not for you to say "oh you did nothing wrong, you shouldn't feel guilty" but for some insight to help me get through this because I feel so terrible. Ive had no signs from my husband and he must be so upset and disappointed with me. I'm embarrassed to tell you all this, but I have no where else to turn .
A natural reaction to hearing someone express guilt is to respond with, "You mustn't feel
guilty. I'm sure you did everything you could." Don't try to rescue people from their guilt
feelings, which are natural and normal during the grief process. What most people
actually feel is regret. Guilt implies a purposeful act that intends injury; we feel regret
when we wish we had somehow been able to change things.
Expressing our "if-onlys" is important.
For me the guilt came in a different area. I coudnt accept in my heart my wife was dying or I felt like I was giving up. So we didnt have that final talk I so wish we could have had that other couples did. It took me a long time to come to peace with it. I knew she knew I loved her with my entire being and I did everything I could do under the circumstances. We are all human Mary and we need to forgive ourselves.
I won't tell you that you did everything you could, in your capacity - because, although it's true, hearing that from me or anyone else is not going to change the angst that you're experiencing.
My husband was admitted for the last time when he had a scheduled visit with his oncologist. We had no choice; they admitted him. Yes, he would have preferred to be home, but he also knew that they were giving him care that I couldn't (even though I'd been his caregiver for 4 years ... I didn't have the equipment, and he wouldn't have survived the trip home, most likely).
BUT, I too experienced guilt. We all do. And it's all useless. I felt guilt that I wasn't able to convince the big pharma company to let him get back on the experimental drug that he had been taking (which was helping his kidney cancer) but which they removed him from, due to side effects. Now, how in the world could I convince them, if his top docs were unable to? That's how crazy we get. I even felt guilty for not killing myself so that I could go with him.
So, this is a long way of saying that (unfortunately) you'll experience these regrets but will eventually see how unfounded they are and how wasteful of your energy. I'm 2 1/2 years out, and I can see that a bit more clearly.
I have a lot of empathy for you ... and I can also tell you that the first year anniversary is most likely making all of this worse for you.
Try, try, try to be kind to yourself and to remind yourself of everything you did for your dear husband. He is NOT upset or disappointed with you. He knows how scared, tired and overwhelmed you were ... so was he, I'll bet. If you stop actively looking for "signs", you'll likely be more open to them. Or, maybe he simply has no signs to offer; that's a possibility.
Regardless, Mary, please try to start being kind and understanding to yourself. You are not honoring your husband at all by beating yourself up.
Hugs,
Ki
You are not the only one whose spouse was in a hospital when they died. Mine was also. I kept him home until my hospice nurse had to leave unexpectedly and my husband was no longer able to swallow but was still thirsty.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have had him in the hospital from the time he became unable to move himself which was two weeks before his death. Not all of us are nurses nor should we be forced into doing it. I was so overwhelmed by the responsibility that I could not be a wife and I hated that.
Not only that, he was not comfortable in the tiny little bed they brought to the house for him and nothing I gave him relaxed him enough for him to sleep. He did not sleep for weeks before he died--even with pain meds and his pain was not severe at all. Once I put him in the hospital, the IV morphine relaxed him enough that he slept.
He died also while I was not there. He was only in the hospital for two nights and the first night I had to go home to get a little sleep. I hadn't slept for weeks either. The second night a friend whose husband had just died two weeks before came to visit and I felt that I should visit with her. I had no idea that was going to be his last night. He died about an hour before I got to the hospital. Yes, that made me very sad and guilty but then I decided that he may have had to make that last journey on his own. So many people die in the few minutes that everyone is out of the room that I have to believe there is a reason.
I haven't received any "signs" either and most people that I know who have had someone die don't. I don't think that has any bearing on anything. If our spouses are in heaven, they understand fully what is in our hearts and would not have any anger toward us at all. Please be at peace with your decisions. If any of us made mistakes, it was only because we are human, not because we had any malice.
Please be kind to yourself. In time you will find your way.
Listen to the messages you give yourself (the should-haves, could haves, and if only's), and realize that the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about.
When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself no. Say "STOP" firmly and out loud if you need to.
Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward you won't say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read daily until the "stop" date.
If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He has to say about forgiveness.
Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn't get to say while he was living. Be very honest.
Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt - only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself.
When you have consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, then it's time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and move on.
Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one's honor.
Dear Mary - I hope one or more of these helps in some small way.
Hugs, Doye
Having had a difficult time with my own regret, I can offer nothing new beyond the recommendations that have already been given here. I would, however, like to focus on two of them and I hope you will do the same.
I like what "greyhounder" said about the difference between guilt and regret. "Guilt implies a purposeful act that intends injury; we feel regret when we wish we had somehow been able to change things." Neither you nor I ever intended to hurt our loved ones.
What "woodfencing" said about stepping outside her husband's room for only a minute or two reminded me of something a hospice nurse friend once told me. She was firmly convinced that many of her patients deliberately waited to pass until their loved ones were not with them -- whether it be overnight or only for a few minutes. She had seen it happen way too often to chalk it up to coincidence.
Mary, I'm share this with you because you have always been so kind and compassionate in your responses to my posts. I hope you will extend some of that compassion to yourself now. Please give yourself the gift of forgiveness, and acknowledge all the good that was in your relationship with your husband.
Sincerely,
Bandi
PS: And regarding signs ... I believe that our loved ones are always around us ... we just don't always see it. Trust in that thought, Mary.
Gentle hugs, it was a gift, his last to you, here on earth.
J.
And I'll be blunt with this next statement, because it relates to what you've said. I had to take over our business and run it alone when he became too sick. As terrified and panic stricken as I was during this whole process, there was a part of me that knew I had to keep it and myself going - because he wouldn't be. And i still had to live. Have i felt guilt over this, after the fact? Oh, yeah. It was something I had to work through, and face. It's been quite the process. Hugs, Marsha
Never let someone else's decisions color your judgment of your choice. Not only my experience colored our choice of Don dying at home, his did also. He made the decision to not continue with chemotherapy. It was his choice. Some people didn't agree with that. We decided that we would not judge others choice in their circumstances and would move forward with hospice. Even Don's doctors had varying options, but all agreed that the end was inevitable and how to proceed was up to us.
In my experience a great many people choose what is right for them. Don't second guess your choices. Did I ever wonder what would have happened if he chose chemotherapy? Yes, but my answer is he would still not be here with me now or for very long then.
Sorry for the length of my response. Sharon
Tim passed that night. A heart attack.
So my guilt stems from not insisting he visit a Doctor sooner. Also from tge fact we had a disagreement the night he passed. To make matters worse one of the first things my Father in law said is why didn't you take him to the doctor.
When my anger flairs I want to scream that he was a grown a$$ man and he could make the decision to go or not go to the Doctor.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hugs, Sandi