Im sorry for your loss on all fronts. It seems as though life does that to us at the most unexpecting times. I have been told that our lives change every 10 yrs and its out of our control. Im not sure how much truth there is to that but it does make sense in some ways. I hope you find some peace in knowing that you are doing what you have to and will get to the next step what ever that may be. Im not sure I could be friends with anyone that I once had strong feelings for but good luck.. This world is such a harsh place and I hate being alone. Take care of your self and Im hoping things go better each day.

stvn, your plate is full. I really don't think that Chris would want to stay if your whole heart is not in the relationship. You must be curious why he's stayed if his heart wasn't completely yours.

You sound like a wonderful guy and certainly deserve to have someone devoted to you in your life.

I give you so much credit for taking your mother in and for caring for her. She's very lucky to have you.

Anyone would be proud to have a devoted and loving son such as you.

Roz

stvn- I am just so sorry for everything you are dealing with right now. When it rains it pours! I think that when you have a relationship that was so right you want it again. That feeling of being complete. Take care and i hope you have a peaceful day. Hugs Patti

Thank you all so much. This journey after tremendous love, then loss is so tough, and complicated. I have heard so many stories thru my yrs of life, about relationships not working out, have seen seemingly wonderful couples of many yrs, fall apart in divorce and horrible pain. I was always the one that felt so bad, so sorry, for those people, counseled so many friends "isn't there a way to repair your marriage"? Mike and I fought, argued, had our ups and downs, but loved each other deeply, and always found a way to compromise, found a way to bend, shift, make allowances, forgive, because we needed each other in our lives so much. Couldn't breathe, sleep without each other. Chris my new bf is absolutely a good man, so many wonderful qualities, but has some quirks about affection, some shame about being gay, and so on. I can't live without daily affection, and I have discovered, being able to hug my boyfriend goodbye, even in front of public, is a deeper need in me than I realized. So, we had to be together, for me to discover these very intimate things, and I'm so sad he is unwilling to work on these things, or find compromise. It's kind of hard to understand, I love Chris so much and always will, but I have been so lonely for so long, been so sad for so long, I would rather be alone and working on a life of my own, then be with a good man, who can't be affectionate. I have discovered a lot of things about myself thru this relationship, number 1 is I am able to love, open my heart to another, when for yrs I didn't think it possible. It still is very painful, I have grown so used to him, love him in many ways. I never thought it possible, to be in love with someone, yet be so lonely at times. It just sucked right when the dominoes were falling in my head about Chris, then my mother in law called with her news. Been a really rough day. Thanks for listening.

Hello Steven, thank you for sharing. I lost my wife 6.5 months ago and she was the love of my life. She was the only person I dated in my whole life. I am getting better but haven't really thought about things like dating or marriage. I am not qualified to give advice, but just want to let you know that I am listening and really hope you the best. At the end of day, love triumphs like it always does. Peace, Tiger

Hi Tiger. Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so sorry we both had to experience this loss, but thank goodness for these websites, and each one of us participating. It was 4 yrs before I even started to realize that my missing feelings had changed. I still missed, ached for Mike a lot, but I started seeing loving couples holding hands and so on, not with horrible pain missing Mike, but, with hope, "maybe I could find that again"? It just happened. It scared me, I felt horribly guilty the first few times this happened, and would spiral into another pit of darkness over Mike for a few days or longer. But I realized that I had grown tired of the darkness, grown tired of the horrible loneliness, and had a thought. "What if there is another 50 yr old man out there who lost his long time partner, and was so sad and lonely, and needed someone like me to help him heal, and in turn, he could help me heal. This was the only way I could consider dating someone at this moment, was if they were a widower as well. As it turned out, that guy never came across my path yet, but Chris did. And I'm glad he did. He has helped me in so many ways, and I him. I have never broke up with someone before from choice, Mike was my first date, love, and partner. So this is another new step for me. I still haven't told chris and don't know yet when I will. I'm in love with him and still trying to figure myself out, before I drop a boulder like that in the middle of an evening. Does someone really ever break up with their partner, when they are in love with them? That sounds so crazy to me. Lol! I have talked with Adrienne, mikes mother and she says she will literally slap me if I break up with Chris! Lol. She loves him. She says that what I had with Mike was a once in a lifetime thing, and I will never have that again. She says that Chris is a wonderful man, (true) he loves me (true) and I just need to let go of my need for "fireworks" at my age, and be grateful that Chris is in my life and is willing to put up with my basket full of crazy! Lol. I understand her point. Anyway, I'm not sure what I will do yet, but my heart so much wants those "fireworks" again, Mike and I had those fireworks our entire life together and it seems so unreal to me to be in a loving committed relationship with someone, and not have them. It's such a awkward thing to me at times. And when they aren't there, I miss Mike so much. It's always seemed so sad to me, hearing of couples sleeping in separate rooms, not "being" together for yrs at a time and so on. I get tons of couples this works for and I'm certainly not telling anyone else what they should shouldn't do or need. It just is so hard for me to accept that for me. I have known many couples staying together for money, kids, status, fear of loneliness, I have just never been one of those guys yet, but maybe I need to come down off my high horse and realize I'm not all that anymore, and just appreciate the love and laughter and companionship I have with Chris. Sorry for babbling. Not expecting anyone to know these answers, just helps me writing it and reading it back. Hope it helps someone else if they are going thru something similar. Love to all. Night

Darling . . my time is so limited . . I did read your original post and skimmed over the rest. (Please forgive me). Not sure if I will address all of your issues, but will try . . .

First, it's okay that you threw caution to the wind w/ Chris. Doesn't make him a bad person, nor you stupid. You did the best you could given your current situation. No guilt, and no regrets.

So now you realize that perhaps you put too many eggs in one basket. Doesn't matter. You are a "survivor" and once again, did the best you could to muster getting on with life.

As for Adrienne . . another Mother to you, recently diagnosed with cancer? Wow, simply another wrench in the healing process. I'm so sorry for her diagnosis. However, keep in mind that there are many cancer survivors out there.

Yes, you are a smart man . . and as such, please take a deep breath and focus on "self" for a moment. You are allowed to take a step or two back to reflect on your past and contemplate the future. Again, no guilt allowed in this process!

Allow room for grief . . allow room for tears (they are healing). Be with self and know that NO ONE is going to ever love you like you!! Many would argue with me on this, but it's my experience. We are born alone in many ways, and die alone. Yeah, we can all try to get it . . but do we really?

Yes, the journey is tough, but you must master the ship of your life and the direction it is going!! I know you can do it . . we all can. Best wishes and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. xo, D

Dschwartz, thanks so much, great reminders and advise. Appreciate so much. I agree with your statement about know body can love us like ourselves. I need to re-member that. Back in the 80s I read a book called " you can heal your life" by Louise Hay, and it greatly effected my life for the positive. I just recently brought this book out again and have been re-reading it. I actually had a twist of miracles several yrs ago, by having the opportunity to be Louise Hays driver for a couple of days. It was such a wonderful surprise and she actually gave me one of her books with a personal note to me at the end of our time together. Thanks again for taking the time to read and write. Blessings to you, steve

If Chris isnt loving you madly, wholly, and passionately in the way you do about him, Id cut him loose ASAP! Unless you are completely free, you cant find your next beloved true partner, and neither can Chris. At least you tried, and know hes not the One.