I am sorry you are facing this. My husband's death was sudden and unexpected - for me. It turned out he had known he needed treatment for his high blood pressure and other health issues a year before he died but never told me. I found out while cleaning out his papers 2 years after his death. If he had said anything to me, perhaps.... I was so angry with him when I found out that he had known and hadn't done anything about it. Your situation is not the same, but I think I have a small sliver of understanding of the shock, the disbelief, and the wishing it was all a bad dream you are going through. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

I think you are going to need a lot of pieces to put the puzzle back together, and a big chunk - in my opinion - will need to be some kind of counseling, and possibly a group type thing, too. I can tell you a thousand times it was not your fault, for instance, but it probably won't mean as much to you as someone else more closely in your shoes. Are you getting any counseling? There are ways to find group supports, too.

Right now you will have lots of questions and few answers, but that is okay. We're not supposed to have all the answers right away, and some questions may never be fully answered. You can get through this, and you can even find your way back to being happy again. That sounds impossible right now, I know. But don't give up. It will be worth it to keep going. Honest.

There was a group here for Family & Friends Affected by Suicide - I don't know if they are still active, I will need to check.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Looks like the other group has not been active for sometime, a pity. You are more than welcome here, I was just trying to find ADDITIONAL supports for you. Hugs....

Thank you cliffskat,

I am receiving counseling where I am told I will never receive the answers I am looking for, and I attend a bereavement group where I feel completely out of place due to the traumatic circumstances. I feel like I am reaching out to every resource available to me but at the end of the day am still stuck in that moment.

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your pain. My husband passed away unexpectedly and I found him the next morning. It does not even compare to what you went through, but I found myself flashing back to what I saw that morning. I went to counseling to learn techniques to help me stop having these dark thoughts. Your counselor should be able to provide techniques to help you. Please take care of yourself.

Am glad to read you are reaching out to the available resources. If you are not already participating, a local hospital or church may sponsor support groups.

Try to find something positive in your day..getting out of bed...getting dressed...attending group
Give yourself credit, you are accomplishing a task
It takes time, it's been 3 years for me (I didn't experience the trauma you did)
Unanswered questions, unfulfilled dreams...
I pray for strength for the day, guidance to find my way & purpose for my life
Blessings
jdp

Asking many of the same questions from sudden death of a spouse, but certainly not in that manner. I too keep feeling like this is something that will end and everything will be right back to normal. I'm sure it's still fresh, yet four months of dealing with it must have taken you through all types of emotions and feelings. I would imagine the first thing is to find help so that you're not blaming yourself. Then you might be able to start coming to grips with what occurred and what the loss means for you. I hope you're able to adjust and find happiness eventually.

I replayed Cliff's death over and over in my head 24/7 like a bad tape loop. Finally, I wrote it all down in a notebook, every horrible detail. I cried my guts out doing that, but when I was finished, I told myself 'okay, it's all in there in case I need it, I don't have to run it through my head anymore, it's all in there safe.' And that worked for me. I haven't forgotten what happened -- I never will. But it stopped the damned tape loop so that I could finally grieve and start recovering.

I had one-on-one counseling, too. I got it for free through the Employee Assistance Program at my work. Both my sons witnessed their Dad's death and were likewise traumatized, so I got counseling for both of them as well. My older son got it through the same counselor I saw through the employee program as he was my dependent. My younger son was still in school at the time, and his counseling came via his guidance counselor and the school psychologist. I don't think the 3 of of us would have made it without counseling.

I am sorry you feel out of place in your group situation. I can understand that - I felt like I didn't belong anywhere anymore. But I found comfort and understanding and belonging here at Daily Strength. I hope you do, too.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

As follow up to my previous post, there is a technique called EMDR therapy that has helped people who have experienced a traumatic event or have PTSD. It may be worth asking you therapist about it. Take care.

Prayer!!

I am so sorry you have gone through such a traumatic event. I lost my husband suddenly and was the one who called 911 thinking that everything would be o.k. I don't believe it is anything like what you are going through but I can resonate with the disbelief and shock, and the lost and lonely feelings. I found great strength in friends and family and Daily Strength. This site is a God-send and believe me it will help you. Take care of yourself.

Hello, I am brand new to this group - my name is Steph. I know how you feel, my husband did the same exact thing - shot himself not three feet away from me. I count my blessings that day - there were two - God was there... He did not take me with me and our two children were not home. They were supposed to be. One day at a time and just walk by faith. I know its hard to hear that sometimes, but focus on the blessings. This will not define me... and it will not define you... This was his choice, not yours - please don't own it. I had busted my husband exactly one month before - we are up to 8 women now.... Again, his choices, not mine. He had a secret life and it was busy! May will be two years ago that he left us. I have so many questions and I know that God will reveal those things to me that he wants or needs me to know. Stay close to God - he is always there, especially when you feel the worst. Read "Widows Wear Stilettos" by Carole Fleet Brody - Amazon. It has been a help and you are not alone. Breath in, Breath out, and Move on - at you pace - as long as it takes. God Bless you~
Steph

So Sorry, I am new to this group and lost my husband on Oct 26th suddenly, tragically and I tried to save him. I have not been on this site long enough to give you advice, like you I came here from googling for days for someone to help me before my heart stopped. I feel your pain & I think you are here for a reason.....

So,sorry for you don't realy now what to say, as my brother did the same thing didn't shoot himself bur gave up on life why will never know, and drank himself to death, we still struggle to understand why he seemed so happy, big hug Micky.