Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Somedays I go down the rabbit hole and can't get out. I don't know if it's the holidays, the arrival of Rocky's urn or the shorter days. I don't know. What I do know is this; I can't seem to put his ashes in the urn, just the thought makes me tear up. It's a beautiful urn, it's biodegradable as I plan to bury it on the Ponca Nation as per tribal custom. I had it engraved and would like to put him in it but I just can't seem to do it. I need to do it. I'll only have him with me 4 more months and I don't want to let him go. Then there are the sleepless nights tossing and turning and feeling despondent; the constant thoughts of death, of joining him. I know it's not my time but I miss him so very, very much. I'm tired and I'm worried I am wearing out my friends so I try and pretend to be happy. I find myself daydreaming about Rocky as if he were still here and talk out loud to him in the car and at home. I have these little rituals that are totally anxiety provoked. I look at his picture a zillion times a day, wear the locket with his ashes around my neck and the turquoise ring on my wedding finger that I originally gave him when we were 18, got it back and had planned to give it to him again. You see, I consider us married in the Spirit world and have been told that he feels the same. I feel I am walking around with one foot in the Spirit world and one on Earth. He is always on my mind. He is in every song, every note; every breath. It's been 8 months and I'm not okay. I'll never be okay again, only different. The sudden loss after reconnecting with 35 years apart; the 'what if's' and 'if only's', the constant dull pain in my heart and soul and the ever present feeling of loneliness that permeates my being.
I never wore a ring in my first marriage and didn't wear one for years when I married Debbie, We renewed our vows in June, 2004, and she placed a ring on my finger and I told her in would never be removed. The ring I wear will be buried with me when it is my time. I look at it now as a reminder of my love for her and all that we had over our 31 years together.
I do talk to her frequently in between praying. It is a lot of one way conversations in both cases. I am confident ONE hears me and I am hopeful she can hear me from time to time.
I live in a remote area and have horses. There is a huge pole with a big light that had burned out months before my wife passed. Two days after her death, a magnificent falcon slowly circled over our home and the light came on just after the falcon completed the circle and flew away The light has been burning 24/7 since then. A
neighbor offered to look at it to see why it came on after being out for months and is now burning 24/7. I asked him to leave it alone and look at each morning and every night. Maybe, must maybe, she is telling me she is OK. I choose to take it that way anyway.
Thanks to all - Darrell