Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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n8vgrl 12/15/2015

Somedays I go down the rabbit hole and can't get out. I don't know if it's the holidays, the arrival of Rocky's urn or the shorter days. I don't know. What I do know is this; I can't seem to put his ashes in the urn, just the thought makes me tear up. It's a beautiful urn, it's biodegradable as I plan to bury it on the Ponca Nation as per tribal custom. I had it engraved and would like to put him in it but I just can't seem to do it. I need to do it. I'll only have him with me 4 more months and I don't want to let him go. Then there are the sleepless nights tossing and turning and feeling despondent; the constant thoughts of death, of joining him. I know it's not my time but I miss him so very, very much. I'm tired and I'm worried I am wearing out my friends so I try and pretend to be happy. I find myself daydreaming about Rocky as if he were still here and talk out loud to him in the car and at home. I have these little rituals that are totally anxiety provoked. I look at his picture a zillion times a day, wear the locket with his ashes around my neck and the turquoise ring on my wedding finger that I originally gave him when we were 18, got it back and had planned to give it to him again. You see, I consider us married in the Spirit world and have been told that he feels the same. I feel I am walking around with one foot in the Spirit world and one on Earth. He is always on my mind. He is in every song, every note; every breath. It's been 8 months and I'm not okay. I'll never be okay again, only different. The sudden loss after reconnecting with 35 years apart; the 'what if's' and 'if only's', the constant dull pain in my heart and soul and the ever present feeling of loneliness that permeates my being.

patty6953 12/15/2015

You're not going insane! I lost my husband Nov 14, 2015. No warning no nothing heart attack and he was gone. My world has been turned upside down. I have his Urn with his ashes in it next to our bed. The album the funeral had out for ppl to sign with his picture on the front is leaning up against his pillow. I'm laying here on our bed watching shows he loved and I liked, talking to him as if we are watching TV. He passed away in our Jeep I was 5 miles from the hospital when his attack happened. I talk to him while I'm driving around, I even sit in the Jeep and just talk to him. I feel closer to him. I'm not sure why there is a time limit. But, you need to do what is right for you. If your friends and family truly care about you - then don't worry about being a burden. Believe me if it wasn't for our friends and his family (mine are 2600 miles away). I'd have done something seriously stupid. I know it's not my time and I seriously miss him. He was and is my life and soul-mate. However, his ashes will stay with me until it's my time and then be mixed together and placed in the ocean near where I was born and raised. We love it there! I'd also see about counseling hun it's helped me and talk to your doctor. I'm not an advacat or drugs - but Ativan is a mild anxiety med - I only take it when I'm REALLY!!!! Freaking out! Hugzzz

catinawoolstonlawyer 12/15/2015

Your not going mad, its all so overwhelming one minute they are here than gone, its alot to take in. I can't watch the shows we watched together I cry the whole time so, I just don't watch.

I wear our wedding rings on a necklace, I would always spin it around on his finger so every night I spin it around mine, knowing I have it on gives me a little closeness to him.

I also, talk to him in hopes he hears me.

Hugs to you and I hope you find some peace.

n8vgrl 12/15/2015

Thank you, Patty. I"m so sorry to hear about your husband. Your kind words are helpful. Rocky also died of a heart attack while driving. We had talked shortly before and the last thing we said to one another was, "I love you". I have the picture we used in his memorial celebration held shortly after his death. I keep it in my living room and keep one of us on the nightstand and plan to put his urn on table near the bed. I sometimes feel him near me, much like electricity on my skin usually on one or another side of my body starting with my head. Perhaps it's true that the Spirit world is just on the other side of the veil, so close but so far. I talk with him when I'm working on crafts and when I use his cooking spices. I even made a plate for him for Thanksgiving with frybread, just how he'd like. I suppose this is our way of coping. In the beginning I was indignant stating, "this is my crazy and this is the way I'm dealing". I guess I'm just wondering how long will I be like this? It feels like it was just yesterday that we had our whole lives ahead of us only to be cut short. So unfair.

n8vgrl 12/15/2015

Thank you, CatinaW. I like that you spin the ring around your finger; I totally get it. I have a lock of his long hair but I don't know what to do with it so I just keep in in an envelope. I've been thinking about putting it in a locket or something.

katrina777 12/15/2015

No you are not going insane, just doing and feeling what you need to, to survive all the emotions. You do what feels good for you, what you need to do to, never mind what anyone else tells you. I have the long braid of my husbands hair hung on my dresser mirror, it soothes my broken heart to see it there every morning. Hugs. Katrina

n8vgrl 12/15/2015

Thank you, Katrina. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminding we are not alone in this journey. Hugs back. -Becca

patty6953 12/15/2015

I haven't been able to cook in our house since David passed away! I spent two weeks staying with my girlfriend. I'd come home a few hours ever few days to feed the kids (cats) and then I'd be gone again. I didn't come until the day after Thanksgiving. My days off I go to friends houses or today my mother-in-laws. My weekends off like this last weekend I went to stay with my GF. I know it's hard on the kids - I see a few of daddy's kids wandering around looking for him. Plus, now I have the added stress of having to pack our home up and sell what I can. And look for another place to live that will allow me to keep our kids. I've lost my soul-mate, going to loose the home we were building together and I can't loose our kids also! But, as they say take it moment by moment and breathe and talk to those that mean something to you and they'll help you walk the right path. But, it has to be your own path. Each of us is different but the same! I'm glad you two got to say you loved each other. Unfortunately, I did not! I can only pray that he knows he was my life and my soul!

wendimac 12/15/2015

I do the same thing..I talk out loud to him, I have his ashes on a table in the living room, and I wear a lock of his hair in a vial around my neck. I have even attempted to contact him in the spirit world...and I think he's contacted me through signs and other messages, but I won't get into that now. Just know that you are not going crazy, and that we all understand that the worse thing in the world is being separated from the one you love.

n8vgrl 12/16/2015

Thanks everyone! Your replies really help. I am grateful for you all.
-Becca

Rainbow27 12/16/2015

I started crying reading your post. Oh dear girl you are not going down the rabbit hole, it is all part of this horrible grief journey. How can we not miss the love of our life. How deeply they were part of our being and now gone. I also have my husband's ashes at home and still cannot let go and bury him. Do have a cemetery plot ... It just seems like a comfort to know some part of his essence is in the house that he loved.
I had dinner with two friends last night and they were gushing how great I looked, said I looked so happy etc. All I could think was who they heck are they talking about. My inside does not match the outside. They are both fortunate to have their spouses...they don't have a clue about loneliness or grief. We all understand. Sending a hug...

cgriff4ever 12/16/2015

Dear n8, would they really know if you took a 1/3 out, surely not, I put some off my husband ashes in a pill container, that way he goes everywhere with me. I still wear my wedding ring, and then I wear hisring and his fiingerprint on a heart they made me at the funeral home on a necklace chain, everyday. I talk to sean alot, and to god more, though, now. Don't ever feel bad about having rituals/ routines. Its the normal process after your spouse passes away. I still have a hard time, sayind dead, or died. this grief just takes time, but in time, we realize many things, some good and some bad, hopefully more good then bad, we appreciate who they were, what they did, and the wonderful memories we have with them. Some day all of a sudden ,you will remember something really stupid/funny they did and will laugh out loud, that is when the true healing begins. Hope you have a peace day tomorrow, big hugs carla

loveddogs 12/16/2015

Oh, I am so very sorry you are having such a rough time. Can you take his ashes to the funeral home if you had one and have them do it for you! The funeral home placed my husband's ashes in his urn. I knew it wasn't something I could have done. There is no rush if you want to keep them with you longer is there? You are not going mad,and if you are then I am right with you too! Hugs and Love to you, Michele

n8vgrl 12/16/2015

I'm glad I posted and have gotten responses back from those who are going through this torturous time; I'm just sorry that any of us have to go through this. I've thought about asking if we can delay his return for a year and also about keeping some of his ashes, yes. I've also researched having the glass pendant made and even have a friend who gave me a lesson on how to make glass beads for the sole reason that she thinks I should make one myself.
Carla, I'm happy that you got a fingerprint! That's cool! I didn't know that was a possibility. Michele, I cannot take his ashes to the crematorium as I live in a different state. I suppose I could take them to a funeral home but, true confession, I have a serious phobia of those places. I'm serious. Like and all-out-panic-attack-irrational-crazyperson-freaked-out-type of attack, so that's out of the question.
Aaaaaaghhhhh.........

Sara59 12/16/2015

Not only could I not put my husband's ashes in an urn, I couldn't bring them into my house. The funeral home kept them until we gathered to bury them. They were in an urn then, but I didn't put them there. Still, the funeral director kept back a small packet of ashes, brought them over, and asked if I wanted them. I said no put them with the rest of him.. Well he put them in the grave, and when I wasn't looking, his sister reached in and took them. Sheesh people! My oldest son told me about it later. There is a lot I still can't do concerning my husband's things so don't feel bad.

pennies4coffee 12/19/2015

I had to send my fiance's ashes on to his family's interment site far away. It was heart breaking. I didn't put up a fight, though. I kept them for as long as I could until his sweet mother politely requested to know their ETA. Everyone loved and missed him, everyone was devastated at his loss. I had to share ... I didn't want to let them go... they were such a comfort of having him near ... but we never intended to stay far away from his family and I could feel that it was right he be there.

As I sat in the car, holding them in their mailing box, feeling that strange closeness that the ashes bring, I suddenly felt the craziest sensation, a light heartedness, an uprising sensation, his joyful exuberance!! It felt, and I know how this sounds so crazy, but it felt as if he came out of the ashes and sat next to me in the car. It felt as if he was saying "I am staying with you."

So... I held the box in my arms and got out of the car and ... it felt as if we walked into the mailing facility "together." The woman who sent his remains away was so kind to me as I wept, she just silently held my hand. What an angel. But her computer kept crashing. She kept saying "that is so strange, it never crashes, I can't figure out why it keeps doing this." I thought ... well ... sweetie, maybe it is your spirit crashing her computer!

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