The fog is lifting and I can tell by the way you're talking about doing things that keep you busy. Don't do what I did.....I threw myself into work and was working way too much overtime. I finally realized myself that keeping that busy wasn't good for me physically and I backed off. I'm still working some overtime, but I'm not volunteering for any like I was before.

Now after 2.5 years, I can go home because I'm exhausted from work, sit in my chair, and watch TV without forcing myself to do something to keep myself busy. I sometimes even take a quick nap.

Nessie from KY

There are different ways to cope with the gut wretching pain during the first year (approximately). Some return to work, clean compulsively, become very social or just keep very active. Others use shopping, eating, or other ways to keep the pain away. Then there are those who collapse into solitude, which was me.

We keep busy to try to keep the reality out of our mind. But to me it doesn't erase it. It is just doing what we feel necessary to get through the time. To a point all these are necessary to each individual and perfectly normal whichever one you choose for yourself.

No you can't outrun it. But you can do what you feel necessary for you to accept it in small pieces at a time. It is our brain doing its job to protect us from these emotions of reality.

We all need to do what's best FOR US and not let others influence how we grieve. There's a suggestion that we shouldn't make major decisions the first year, like selling our home, or quitting a job. But this isn't a hard fact, it's a suggestion. Some need to relocate for financial reasons. Some like me, choose to retire and it WAS RIGHT for me.

Do what YOU NEED and you will be better for it. The only thing I believe is universal in survival of this is talking about it. You can talk to a professional, talk here, talk to a friend if they have went through it, or write down your feelings in letters to your love one. I used a notepad for private ones rather than posting them all, but also posted here if I wanted comments.

Sorry this is so long and I am not a professional on greiving, I'm just someone who went through it. Love &Hugs Sharon

Sharon's comment really resonated with me "The only thing I believe is universal in survival of this is talking about it." That's what I like and need about/from DS. There is no where else I can express each and every feeling ad nauseam.
You can't outrun it, but you can talk about it and know you are heard and understood. What did you bake? Wishing you some peace. ((()))

My fog lifted about 2 1/2 months ago. Bob has been gone for 4 months now. I'll be going back to work in mid-October. I'm not looking forward to that
I am not overwhelming myself by keeping busy. I watch some TV, play Bejeweled, take care of my animals.
Bob was the lawn man. Now it's my son and I. I'm just finishing up washing the back porch and it's looking good. I also reset 4 bricks on the steps so that nobody falls when stepping on them. To me, that was a great accomplishment. Every time i step on them, I think "job well done".
People tell me there is more to come as I travel thru my grief. The holiday and special occassions could be a problem.
Right now I go to a group once a week to help me with my grief. As we all share, most of us are moving forward and I don't fell that I"m alone in this journey.
Also, thank you for this internet group. It took me time to post, so if you are reading this and you haven't sharted, please do! I believe it will help ease your pain.

((hugs)) Glo

Thank you all...Especially Sharon...perhaps that is how I will try to deal with it...by letting small amounts of reality in at a time...I don't think i can handle swallowing it all at once...I have always been a people pleaser, I always had a tendency to sugar coat everything, there is no sugar coating this reality...
Unfortunately, since we were not "married" I had no choice but to go back to work immidailetly...I have exhausted my vacation time this year with hospice and the funeral, the little time i have left I need to save because my nephew's wife has stage 4 cancer, he drove from Fl to Mi to help get me thru the funeral, I may have to do the same for him very soon...he calls often, and we talk a lot, it is really hard for me to not say things like "this is what it will be like when..." they are still hanging on to hope that she will pull thru...
As far as talking about it - DS & one other site is my only release...at work there have been SO many changes, we are about to go thru many more (its an election year here), everyone is under a lot of pressure and really does not want to hear about my "problems"...I have a couple of friends that have been thru this, one never really dealt with it and seems to be talking to me to help him face it-he is a really nice guy (much older, and and at a totally different place in life than I am), he has said a few things that have really struck a chord with me (in a good way), but he is negative and thinks that EVERYONE wants something from me now, I know he is trying to protect me, and sometimes I need that; but sometimes it gets tiresome....my other friend, keeps pushing me to go to a grief group at a church - personally, I do not think I am ready to talk about it like that...We had a very unique relationship (which at some point I may share here), and to me it almost seems disrespectful to him to be talking to strangers about it...also I know he would have viewed it as a sign of weakness for me to go to counseling of group therapy...I was never that weak, we were not weak people, and we went thru hell and back together, this is just a very different kind of hell that I am going thru alone...and as far as family - well forget it!! I have a sister that I do not speak to at all, another who ONLY wants to talk about her problems & is SO depressing!!! and my mom is old, does not drive rarely leaves her apartment to even walk down the hall to get her mail, and just she is SO outta touch with EVERYTHING, that I can barely stand to go see her-although I do stop in to check on her 4-5 times a week, but my visits are usually no more than 5-10 mins...So you here at DS are it for me!!! and I am so thankful to have you all!!!

Try to take each day as it comes but please don't try to bury your grief and not work through it. I know how hard it is but totally avoiding it or keeping so busy you don't have time to really go through it will only cause you problems down the road. This place is really wonderful and even if you have days of hard write it here. We all know and understand what you are feeling. Sharon is right, it can be completely gut wretching. Come here and let it out. No one can understand you and your feelings other than someone who has lost their significant other. My sister told me that 1 year was long enough and I should get going and pick up where I left off. She doesn't understand at all but we do and everyone will listen and understand you. Please don't avoid it or deny it. It will eventually hurt you and you my dear have been hurt enough.
Hugs.

I believe you have some wrong ideas about the grief therapy groups.

I went to one set up by the hospice folks and its a very safe place to talk about everything - people only know your first name and everything stays in that room. It is usually moderated my a professional ( the one I went to had also lost her husband in a freak accident in 2007 - in a power blackout he fell down the basement stairs, went into a coma and died the next day ).

The thing is that you must avoid becoming clinically depressed because it's really difficult to recover from that. Use all weapons at your disposal to avoid that :). Bob

" I know he would have viewed it as a sign of weakness for me to go to counseling of group therapy...I was never that weak, we were not weak people"

But neither of you envisioned this type of blow. Even if you did, there was no way to prepare for the reality of it. John had a 9 month terminal battle. We talked of what was coming, but it still knocked me off my feet mentally, emotionally and to the core of my being.
A marriage certificate is only a paper that says you choose commitment of your heart. Your heart was already committed. As mine was for the 15 years before we married.

If here is where you feel the understanding and comfort can take place, it can be enough.

I agree with Sharon, talking and talking again is very important . It does not matter how you talk, face to face, online or in writing. Like you I have no one to talk to, or at least no one who has been through the same ordeal we are going through. Loosing a life partner is in a class of its own. That is why DS is so special to me and I am so grateful I found you all. Most people just don't understand and that is why they very often come up with stupid and hurtful comments.

I don't work anymore that is why I try to go outdoors walking every single day. Do come here often, there is always someone here to listen to you. Long term, facing the reality, no matter how hard it will be, is the only viable option.

Big hug to you, do not despair.

You repaired the steps - that's great! Now, would you rewire the house on your own? How about digging up all the plumbing and re-laying it? Could you climb up on the roof, tear it off, and replace it?

I would be amazed if you said 'yes' to all that. What would you do in those cases if you needed that work done? You would contact someone who was trained to do the work, right? You'd get an electrician for the wiring, a plumber for the pipes, and a roofer or contractor for your roof. That way you know you get the help you need.

Seeing a counselor or therapist is the same thing. It has nothing to do with "weakness." There are times in our lives when we have to tackle disasters that we are not trained to handle or not physically or emotionally capable of handling on our own. Losing your spouse/partner is a disaster of the highest magnitude. I had pre-natal classes to have my babies, but there was never any pre-mortal classes to teach me how to be a widow and survive it. For that, I had counseling with a licensed, qualified therapist. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I also got counseling for my sons, and that was also the right decision. I hope you will reconsider counseling or checking out a group through hospice.

I think it is important to find a balance between keeping busy and having the solitude and reflection time to grieve. You can't weep forever, but at the same time, everything I have seen here over the last almost 6 years indicates that anyone who tried to run from the grief, it came back and bit them in the ass, knocked them down, and they still had to go through it. What will constitute the right balance for you only you can say. I had to have many pieces to put the puzzle of my life back together again.

Getting things done, having a list you can cross things off when accomplished, can be very reassuring and help you boost your confidence to keep going. At the same time, however, please do give yourself the time and permission to cry, remember, look at photos, write in a journal, pray, or whatever helps you to experience and work through the grief. I don't think it will be healthy if your life is all one or the other.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

pushing me to go to a grief group at a church - personally, I do not think I am ready to talk about it like that...We had a very unique relationship (which at some point I may share here), and to me it almost seems disrespectful to him to be talking to strangers about it...also I know he would have viewed it as a sign of weakness for me to go to counseling of group therapy...

I want to address this section of your post, but do not want to hammer you on your feelings. Not everyone is open to discussing their life and feelings face to face and that's okay. We ARE all different. Being annonomous here is okay too if you're more comfortable that way. Perhaps, in time, you will decide to do things differently, whatever you decide and when, or with who, is the right thing for you.

We are aware of how little control we have now, and we need to handle our grief as we feel best. There is no one answer that fits all. Sharon

Thank you all for your words... I hope that I didn't offend anyone...I do not mean that counseling, or therapy makes anyone weak...I really mean that He and I had been thru SO much...we had more downs than ups thru our relationship, but thru it all we stuck together...never asked for help, never spoke to anyone, we worked everything out together, regardless of the hurdles & ridicule we faced...he and I were not one to air our feelings out to others...no matter what the situation...As far as me not knowing what to do, or how to feel, I suppose that is to be expected...after all I have never had to deal with anything of this magnitude before...the hurt, the fear, the uncertainty, the horror of it all, the roller coaster of emotions that go with it...It almost sounds stupid to say, I wish he was here to help me thru it, yet if he was I wouldn't be going thru it...
I guess it is my road to walk, some may walk with me & guide me thru some parts, but no one can walk it for me.
Peace to you all!!

True aratliff. But we are here with an outstretched hand for the bumps, to help as you make your way over them.

Just saying, in case they seem more than a little hard to get to the otherside of.
Hugs, Jewells.