Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have one friend in particular who has stuck by me since my husband died - my daughter's Godfather. Since Jan, I have invited him and his wife for dinner 3 times - he couldn't come the last time for my dtr's b-day. I was a little disappointed he didn't show an interest in coming another time since he is her Godfather- but oh well. I have called him several times - I think he called once. He is someone who is ALWAYS busy - talks all the time about "we'll do this or that" - but never comes up with a date bc he has so many other friends.
So - yesterday I was upset - he sent an email saying I was withdrawn and had distanced myself from him. I wrote back (was real nice - did not say - I've been calling you - you haven't called me - apologized if I gave that impression - even tho it wasn't true). Anyway - today he sent me another email - trying to smooth things over - but actually made it worse - altho won't let him know that. He had invited me to a superbowl party at friends in Jan - 3 brothers had muscular dystrophy. I mention that bc they were in wheelchairs & didn't have as many chairs at the tables for the wheelchairs. So - when I got my food I sat on the couch bc there was no place at the table - other people later sat there too. But he wrote to say I did not appear to be having a good time and was sitting alone most of the time, etc. I don't recall ever sitting alone the entire time. Three mos ago we went to their house again. I was the one who brought the game that we played and everyone seemed to have a good time. So - why is he bringing up the visit from Jan - what about the most recent one?
But now I'm more upset than before - not only bc of his opinion - but he said one of the hosts was concerned too. Gee - it was the first party I'd been invited to without my husband (yeah it's been a while - but no one is inviting me) and everyone there was married except me - so I'm really going to be the life of the party? He hasn't called since this most recent "Party" - instead of "distancing" himself from me - couldn't he ask if he thought there was something wrong? How about the fact that I work 7 days a week - standing most of the time and have had plantar fascitis on my foot and don't want to stand or walk at the party?
Several times he has mentioned to me that he can't understand why I would want to see or communicate online with other people who have lost their husband/wife. Didn't think I should go to the two get-togethers from DS. His comment was something like "I don't understand why you would want to be around people who are not happy who might bring you down".
My response was "that's the whole point, you don't understand." Maybe I should point this out to him again.
So - yesterday I was upset - he sent an email saying I was withdrawn and had distanced myself from him. I wrote back (was real nice - did not say - I've been calling you - you haven't called me - apologized if I gave that impression - even tho it wasn't true). Anyway - today he sent me another email - trying to smooth things over - but actually made it worse - altho won't let him know that. He had invited me to a superbowl party at friends in Jan - 3 brothers had muscular dystrophy. I mention that bc they were in wheelchairs & didn't have as many chairs at the tables for the wheelchairs. So - when I got my food I sat on the couch bc there was no place at the table - other people later sat there too. But he wrote to say I did not appear to be having a good time and was sitting alone most of the time, etc. I don't recall ever sitting alone the entire time. Three mos ago we went to their house again. I was the one who brought the game that we played and everyone seemed to have a good time. So - why is he bringing up the visit from Jan - what about the most recent one?
But now I'm more upset than before - not only bc of his opinion - but he said one of the hosts was concerned too. Gee - it was the first party I'd been invited to without my husband (yeah it's been a while - but no one is inviting me) and everyone there was married except me - so I'm really going to be the life of the party? He hasn't called since this most recent "Party" - instead of "distancing" himself from me - couldn't he ask if he thought there was something wrong? How about the fact that I work 7 days a week - standing most of the time and have had plantar fascitis on my foot and don't want to stand or walk at the party?
Several times he has mentioned to me that he can't understand why I would want to see or communicate online with other people who have lost their husband/wife. Didn't think I should go to the two get-togethers from DS. His comment was something like "I don't understand why you would want to be around people who are not happy who might bring you down".
My response was "that's the whole point, you don't understand." Maybe I should point this out to him again.
People really DON'T get it at all. It's really not their fault, they just have never been where we all are. And thank God for that! that said though, it is so hurtful when people don't understand what's going on in our heads. I know just how you feel when you say all the people there were coupled and married. You feel just like the odd widow out at thos functions! It's not that we don't want to be there, but we just don't quite know how to function as one, especially at our first outing! We have memories that hurt to think about, along with trying to be happy for the here and now of everything.
I told someone about meeting some of the DS members in person, and got pretty much the same response you did. "Do you REALLY think you should?". My response to them was "YES, I will be comfortable, and not have to hide everything going on in me!" It will be ACCEPTED because it will be UNDERSTOOD! I don't have to be STRONG, just me me.
But my freind people don't understand it. And I hope they never do, but until then just keep going on. that's all any of us can do to get hopefully to that new normal we hear about. I keep trying everyday!
(((hugs))) Diane
As has been said, he definitely doesn't get it. I wouldn't bother pointing it out again - he falls into the category of "can't you just move on already" type people - don't waste your time. Just my thoughts.
Maggie
It's sad.....but it is possible that because he cannot understand....he does feel the need to distance himself......he may not be able to find the words to actually say that.
From what I read from others and from my own experience......once widowed...almost everything in your life changes and the includes friendships that you thought would always be there. There is nothing to be done about it but to go on as best you can......and with the support of DS.......and hope to find and make new friends. It seems to be.......just the way it is.
I would simply email and say Your take on this is totally different than my take - And I am sorry you are after 7 months bringing this up - 1) I sat where I found a seat 2) I brought a game everyone was having fun with HOW does that equate to ----- So I just want to say this once and no more: Not true what you feel happened.
Amazing I recently had a friend of ours tell someone I was giving him the impression I did not want him at the memorial service. He might have been feeding off of the riff between his sons & I .
BUT Give me a break - there were close to 300 if not 300 there - And I was instrumental in making sure as many as possible knew in case they missed the paper......
I think he was the one who wanted to make me the excuse when he made his own decision not to come....shame on them..
We had a couple we were close to. The man regarded my husband as his own son. My husband was this man's best man when he wed for the second time. The man's wife I've known many years. She vowed and promised me that she would be there for me no matter what, and would never leave nor desert me.
Guess what? It's been a year, and I haven't heard from her. I've called, I've left messages, and nothing. Her husband apologizes for himself, as he is not a phone person. He loves me, he thinks of me, and he'll do anything for me that he can, but he can't speak for her.
I want to call her and ask why? Do I bring you down? Am I a reminder that Richard is gone and you can't take it? My other close friend told me to not waste my energy. It isn't worth it. I agree.
Unfortunately, those around us haven't a clue how hard that is. They don't get it. Period. I found that some relationships weren't worth the energy and pain that they caused. Some people ditched me and some people I ditched. Grief completely rewrote my address book - completely! Suzie said it so well - understanding makes all the difference in the world! There are times when I feel like a stranger in my own life - it's changed completely, to the point of almost being surreal it seems.
In the beginning it really hurts when your friends desert you or do insensitive things. After awhile, you gain a different perspective on what's really important and meaningful in life, and can actually be relived to ditch the shallow and insensitive people in your life. That doesn't happen overnight - I wish it did.
One of the privileges of being an adult is that you can choose who your friends are. You don't have to choose to invest your scarce energy and care into negative people. Do you what you feel in your heart is right - you have done nothing wrong and you have a right to your feelings and you have the right to ditch those that aggravate you. This so-called friend apparently is so stupid as to not understand that HE is the one bringing you down. Like being around "happy people" would somehow erase our loss?? Clueless bastard.....
Sending you Big Hugs.....
I have a brother who is the same as your friend. They cannot comprehend WHY we would want to be with others widowed people or WHY we need to talk or WHY we can't move on or get over it. Their minds are closed and they have their opinions as to what we should feel or should be doing. There is no way to explain or change their minds.
I'm almost at 2 years - July 29 will be 2 years since my world feel apart. The man I loved more than my own life, died. Sorry world - but I'll never be who I was. And I don't care what you think about what I do or who I do it with or if I cry every day. That's my attitude today. I do not try to justify my feelings any more to others. I simply gave up. I smile, listen and think - they are concerned and that sure beats NOT caring at all about me. I believe their hearts are in the right place, they just do not have a clue.
I know your friend and his wife like my brother and his wife - one day one of them will understand and the other not know because they will be gone. When that happens, we will be there to say, I really do understand and they will know that we do. And it's our turn to be their support.
I'm not being mean and spiteful, just have learned that no one CAN understand what we are dealing with except a few people who are very compassionate. Even trained counselors are simply doing their job with the knowledge they have been taught - not because they truly know what we are going through.
As for DS and meeting your friends, go for it. I have made a wonderful friend through DS and just spent several days with her and now she is coming to visit me. Our friendship is the best thing that came out of this whole journey. Don't close doors because someone else doesn't understand.
Love your friend for his caring but try to ignore the hurt caused by his words.
Hugs,
Kathy
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
just change the words to fit, husband, spouse, wife, etc...he's got his life to live, too busy, plus it reminds him that he will be in that same boat someday...either he dies or his spouse dies but someone will be left behind to carry on....and it is hitting home. Plus, he doesn't understand as he hasn't gone through anything like this. All this is only my opinion.....hugs, Sandi