Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Sorry this is long - but - I have written before that I have lost many friends but one had been "great". This is a woman who dominates all conversations and constantly brags about her children and how much money her husband makes, but she was one friend to appeared to stick by me.
I now realize (after reading online) that this woman has all the classic signs of a "control freak". I've read these "control freaks" prey on vulnerable people often seeking out those in a support group or who have suffered a recent loss. They like to give gifts in the beginning to win over friendship and then try to "take over" the other person's life.
My problems began when this "friend" out of the blue began criticizing my daughter's Godfather (Eddie) because he called her at 9:30 pm and came to visit me at 11 at the hospital (5 mos ago). I defended him and she became angry and hung up on me. They also say these people try to push others out of your life so they can have more control.
Rather than apologizing she send me a long email. These are just some of the comments but will give an idea of the tone:
I live a MUCH less stressful life than you and most other people. Not only do I attribute this to blessings bestowed upon me from my "God" but I also attribute it to thousands of "RIGHT" decisions that I have made. There is a lot of reasons why I am where I am and others are where they are!!! (YES -HER HUSBAND MAKES A LOT OF MONEY. SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.)
Many people want what I have but NEVER want to get on the "RIGHT" road in order to have these things. Many people want what I have but are unwilling to work hard and make the sacrifices required for success. (SHES NEVER WORKED WHILE I WORKED ALMOST 80 HRS A WEEK LAST YEAR AND MY HUSBAND WORKED HIMSELF TO DEATH.)
We all must OWN OUR LIVES!!! You are right, your problems are not mine, nor anyone elses. They belong to you and only you have the power to change your circumstances. (CAN I BRING MY HUSBAND BACK FROM THE DEAD?) One minute you are saying/complaining how much your kids stress you out and the next second you are saying that "they are not the source of my stress." Well, which is it??? You need to get out of denial. Personally, I would try another "god" than "Eddie." He will never be able to save you. Think about it. (after all, it is the truth)
This is only part of the lengthy email. I felt devastated when I rec'd it. I did not respond and yesterday received a msg from her where she sounded mad at me and said I have to call her back. Here my husband has died, I've lost my job, most friends have left me and I have to deal with this? Just want to warn everyone about people like this - I wish I had seen it earlier. Her behavior is becoming more erratic and "crazy" as a I back away from her.
I now realize (after reading online) that this woman has all the classic signs of a "control freak". I've read these "control freaks" prey on vulnerable people often seeking out those in a support group or who have suffered a recent loss. They like to give gifts in the beginning to win over friendship and then try to "take over" the other person's life.
My problems began when this "friend" out of the blue began criticizing my daughter's Godfather (Eddie) because he called her at 9:30 pm and came to visit me at 11 at the hospital (5 mos ago). I defended him and she became angry and hung up on me. They also say these people try to push others out of your life so they can have more control.
Rather than apologizing she send me a long email. These are just some of the comments but will give an idea of the tone:
I live a MUCH less stressful life than you and most other people. Not only do I attribute this to blessings bestowed upon me from my "God" but I also attribute it to thousands of "RIGHT" decisions that I have made. There is a lot of reasons why I am where I am and others are where they are!!! (YES -HER HUSBAND MAKES A LOT OF MONEY. SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.)
Many people want what I have but NEVER want to get on the "RIGHT" road in order to have these things. Many people want what I have but are unwilling to work hard and make the sacrifices required for success. (SHES NEVER WORKED WHILE I WORKED ALMOST 80 HRS A WEEK LAST YEAR AND MY HUSBAND WORKED HIMSELF TO DEATH.)
We all must OWN OUR LIVES!!! You are right, your problems are not mine, nor anyone elses. They belong to you and only you have the power to change your circumstances. (CAN I BRING MY HUSBAND BACK FROM THE DEAD?) One minute you are saying/complaining how much your kids stress you out and the next second you are saying that "they are not the source of my stress." Well, which is it??? You need to get out of denial. Personally, I would try another "god" than "Eddie." He will never be able to save you. Think about it. (after all, it is the truth)
This is only part of the lengthy email. I felt devastated when I rec'd it. I did not respond and yesterday received a msg from her where she sounded mad at me and said I have to call her back. Here my husband has died, I've lost my job, most friends have left me and I have to deal with this? Just want to warn everyone about people like this - I wish I had seen it earlier. Her behavior is becoming more erratic and "crazy" as a I back away from her.
l don,t think we need to be told by other people when we are grieving,how wonderful their lives are,compared to ours,which have just been broken into tiny peices.
l hope what has happened to you and the rest of us never happens to your friend,then she will find out what the word vulnerable means,and how life is not always about ourselves,but includes all the people who are connected with our loss.
Sometimes friendships end,only you can make the decision on how you are going to carry on with it,or end it,but l know what l would do.
take care
Alice
While you may have appreciated her being there for you, I think her capacity to be of comfort and support has run it's course.
Don't let her get into your vunerable head.
Cut her loose. Write her an e mail back telling her why if you think it will help relieve you of this anger. Be well...
Linda
If she has a hissy fit due to your coolness, then tell it to her straight: she is not a friend who has your best interest at heart. A friendship with her no longer deserves a continued investment on your part.
You need to grow strong with friends and family who care about you, unconditionally. That seems to be absent in her evaluation of you and your loss. I bet she soon finds other friends with whom she can find fault as well as control. TJ
After she hung up on me she sent me an email saying that obviously I considered Eddie as God and I should not be worshiping him because he is the most selfish person in the world. Her reasons were ridiculous so I sent an email back saying Eddie is one of the nicest most giving people I know and defending him. I don't care if she is friends with him or not - Eddie is my friend. Her email was in response to my email about Eddie.
If I try to talk to her I know she will cut me off and yell at me because she is always right and everyone else is always wrong. She has befriended a man named Kevin who is in his late 50's. He is on disability for a nervous disorder and lives in Chgo with his father who is mentally abusive to him. Kevin is with her ALL the time and she orders him around like a slave. Her children even call Kevin's cell when they want to call her because he screens her calls. She believes (and says) she is being a wonderful "christian" by being his "friend" and doesn't see that everyone thinks it is strange for a married woman in the suburbs to constantly be with this rather "weird" (but nice) man from the city.
As far as her concentrating on her "other" friends - I don't think she has any. She has had a xmas party every year and years ago used to have many people. Two years ago my husband & I went and it was like, wow, these are OUR friends (who she had met at our house) - and a couple of others. The relatives and coworkers who used to come were not there - we don't know why. Last year it was even smaller. I think she's lost her friends.
Say Bye Bye to the imposter and let her concentrate on Kevin.
Alice
I'm also guessing that she's jelous of you. After all, you were married to a man that you love. And she has a man who has money. Does she ever brag about how blessed she was to have a man she loves?
A met a man one day. Straight out of GQ. Fancy car, fancy adddress. He was a doctor. He told me how much money he had, the cars he drove, the places he visited. He told me how lucky I was to have met him. Afterall, wasn't every woman looking to marry a doctor. He told me all of this on our first meeting.
My response: If the fancy cars and your medical degree were that important to me, I'd become a doctor myself and buy my own fancy car, and travel the world with my own money. His reply, just get with me and you won't have to work. And I told him, you see that's the thing. If I'm with you and get tired of you, then I lose everything, or stay with someone I don't want. On the other hand, If I become a doctor and get sick of you, I walk out the door with my own fancy car, clothes, etc. I don't have to stay for the money.
Seems to me that your friend is miserable. If I hung out with her, I'd be tempted to tell her so, and tell her how immensely blessed you were to have had the man you married in your life and to know he will be waiting for you in the next life. She on the other hand, will not be able to take her money with her when she dies and it certainly won't be waiting for her on the other side.
My question, who is the richest? Any idiot can find someone to marry who happens to have money.