Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am trying to learn what I like to do socially. Don't know if some of you remember but I decided to join a social group. Since I joined this group 2 more widowers have joined. It didn't start out as a grief and support group but I guess because of what I wrote on the site got their attention. I wrote that I had recently lost my wife and am trying to find myself, learn what I like to do, Learn who I am. I am looking for friends and to have fun that is all.
Did anyone here lose their self identity. I know I have. I was with my wife for 10 years. Our likes and dislikes merged and we just did what we liked to do. Sure we did things without each other, like our personal hobbies. We didn't always watch T.V. together. we played personal games by ourselves. But when we went out socially we did everything together. I don't know how to act with people in general anymore. This social group is a way of putting myself out there and learning how to be social again.
Some of you here have expressed concerns of me moving to fast into the dating scene. I want to make 1 thing perfectly clear to those who think that. ( I AM NOT DATING! ) A social group is a group of people that meet up at social events like the movies or something fun. I joined this group to do things I don't want to do by myself or wouldn't do. I think it is a great way to learn my likes and dislikes. And yeah when I am ready to date again I think it will be easier for me to socialize with women I am interested in . I don't know when I will be ready to date, But surely isn't now. I have no interest in dating any time soon.
The next event I am going on is white water rafting on the Buffalo River. This is something I have wanted to do my whole life. Well before I met my wife. I think that this just being a random event is a sign that I am doing the right thing.
I hope that the other widowers don't want to talk to me about my wife or theirs when we are at an event. I joined this group to start something new. When I am out with other people in the group I want to do something besides talk about my loss. I would like to talk to the widowers when I am not with all the other people. You know the ones who haven't had their life turned upside down. I would appretiate some advice on how to express that to them without upsetting them if they decide to talk to me about their loved ones that they have lost. I would love to talk to them about our loss outside of the group, over the phone, or a cup of coffee. Not with the others who just wouldn't understand.
For 2 years I was stuck at home and sat in my despair, Knowing that my wife was dying. It is time for me to fill something else besides grief. It doesn't mean that I didn't love my wife. It doesn't mean that I am done grieving for my wife. I am just ready to feel something else.
I would love some input.
ps. I wrote this post for more than one reason. Besides asking for advice I wanted to share the positive things in my life with you. for the first time in 2 years I am experiencing joy and excitement.I have a long way to go but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have come to care for many of you. I don't know what I would have done if I never found this group.
!!!!!!!THANK U ALL!!!!!!!
Did anyone here lose their self identity. I know I have. I was with my wife for 10 years. Our likes and dislikes merged and we just did what we liked to do. Sure we did things without each other, like our personal hobbies. We didn't always watch T.V. together. we played personal games by ourselves. But when we went out socially we did everything together. I don't know how to act with people in general anymore. This social group is a way of putting myself out there and learning how to be social again.
Some of you here have expressed concerns of me moving to fast into the dating scene. I want to make 1 thing perfectly clear to those who think that. ( I AM NOT DATING! ) A social group is a group of people that meet up at social events like the movies or something fun. I joined this group to do things I don't want to do by myself or wouldn't do. I think it is a great way to learn my likes and dislikes. And yeah when I am ready to date again I think it will be easier for me to socialize with women I am interested in . I don't know when I will be ready to date, But surely isn't now. I have no interest in dating any time soon.
The next event I am going on is white water rafting on the Buffalo River. This is something I have wanted to do my whole life. Well before I met my wife. I think that this just being a random event is a sign that I am doing the right thing.
I hope that the other widowers don't want to talk to me about my wife or theirs when we are at an event. I joined this group to start something new. When I am out with other people in the group I want to do something besides talk about my loss. I would like to talk to the widowers when I am not with all the other people. You know the ones who haven't had their life turned upside down. I would appretiate some advice on how to express that to them without upsetting them if they decide to talk to me about their loved ones that they have lost. I would love to talk to them about our loss outside of the group, over the phone, or a cup of coffee. Not with the others who just wouldn't understand.
For 2 years I was stuck at home and sat in my despair, Knowing that my wife was dying. It is time for me to fill something else besides grief. It doesn't mean that I didn't love my wife. It doesn't mean that I am done grieving for my wife. I am just ready to feel something else.
I would love some input.
ps. I wrote this post for more than one reason. Besides asking for advice I wanted to share the positive things in my life with you. for the first time in 2 years I am experiencing joy and excitement.I have a long way to go but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have come to care for many of you. I don't know what I would have done if I never found this group.
!!!!!!!THANK U ALL!!!!!!!
I went to meetup.com and joined a widow/er dinner group before I realized they didn't have a forum-- they just 'went out to dinner'. [well, duh]
I did join a kayaking group - something Kathy and I just got into last summer. And then I found this site- which has been a wealth of comfort even if I don't often have the energy or ability to post.
And of course a very dear friend has taken offense that I am "moving on." I have tried and failed to explain the difference between moving on and moving forward to her. I like the way you said "It doesn't mean that I am done grieving for my wife. I am just ready to feel something else. "
[She and her husband were Kathy and I's best friends and nearly constant companions for the past 6-7 years, and have been my salvation for the past 3-4 months-- so yes, it is important to me that she understand.]
You said- "But when we went out socially we did everything together. I don't know how to act with people in general anymore." Amen! Kathy was always the social one. That is going to be the hardest thing for me-- Who will finish that thought that I can't put into words? [Who will drag me to these things in the first place?] I was never real social, but I've certainly lost any skills I ever had.
But, like you- I'm not ready to just quit. And I know Kathy wouldn't want me to. So it is off into the big bad world with us.
I think the hardest to accept for some is the understanding that there will be no make up, like in a divorce or future friendship of our spouses. When we helping our friend with the loss of her husband, it bothered John when she started dating "too early" We had the discussion of well it's not like he's coming back, she is just trying to find some happiness. Less than a year from then, he had been diagnosed. So that flipped his view pretty fast.
Go have fun, Belly laugh! smile so much you face hurts! Journal when your still on an adrenaline high!
Just say- this aint the place. Is there a widow/ers 'meetup' in your area? If you care to, join that and tell them that *there* is where you'll engage in that conversation. This group is for fun and adventure.
I don't know if I have any of the right answers, butI 'm so glad you are reaching out in such a positive way. Physical activity is very important and at a time when our world is spinning out of our control, making an attempt to do something that you have always wanted to do is one way of grabbing some control over our lives back.
As for dealing with the other widowers, be kind, be polite, but just tell them you are taking a well deserved break...a time out if you will.... from grieving. That you just need to try and step away from it for a couple of hours. If you feel like like it, and make a connection with any of them, tell them you would be glad to talk some time later. Most of my grief books tell you that it is important to give your mind and heart a rest period from grief...a little time to regroup. And don't feel guilty about doing something for you. You are important, be kind to yourself.
Wishing you a blessed birthday. Have a wonderful time rafting...it is so much fun and depending on the rapids, a real physical workout.
Blessings,
Sharon
To finding out what u like and how to act
Around people. I was married 40 years. I'm so list!
Life is too short. Go out and do what makes u
Feel good .
Maureen
Have a happy birthday tomorrow. Big hug. Viviane.
Just remember the other widowers may need to talk, and one day you may need someone to just listen to you.
Good luck, and it's great you're taking steps towards you.
It is tough to be a widow/widower at any age. It is true that even though some of us are younger, we all have to adjust and figure out what to do with ourselves after we lose a loved one.
I lost my husband at a young age, but also knew him for 19 years (met young), and were married for 10. Even though it has been 8 years since he has been taken from this world, I'm still learning about myself without him.
Best of luck on your journey.
Sue