What an amazing 28 months it has been for me. Death was Juanita's final lesson of love for me. In the 4 months from diagnosis to death, I was blessed to be able to care for the woman that cared for me for 30 years of marriage and everything that led up to that. But it took her 30 years to teach me about love, because I just didn't have a friggin' clue, what that was. In the last month of her life, I'd experienced intimacy on a level I did not know possible. And I told her, I felt like I am falling in love all over again with you. She told me how much she loved me, and that I was a nice guy and a good man. Few others ever saw that. I didn't let them. She was my inner circle. For years I would state matter of factly, I don't have any other friends. All I need is Juanita and Jesus. Works great until you lose one leg of your tri-pod. Turns out just Jesus couldn't sustain me (even though He really did). And I was a faith preacher. So many miracles I witnessed from God through my wife's prayers and her hands. Seems I haven't been living much like most would expect from a man of God. Well, I've grown in Him. He just keeps simplifying it for me. Love God. Love Others. And love yourself. That's it. And if you do those things, everything you do is done in love. And there are no do's and don'ts, no rules, no rituals. Only love. Radical, I know. But from the first time I heard the voice of our Lord over 19 years ago when He promised that He would teach me all things, that is what He has done. Why did He annoint me? I don't know. Maybe He knew my wife Juanita was going to need a help-mate for the signs, wonders and miracles He already knew He would be doing through her from the foundation of the world. Ten years in ministry as a team. I had to leave it at about 2 months into my grief. I couldn't control the profound sadness that suffocated me when I sat there with an empty chair at my side, she wasn't doing the prayer line with me intercessing and catching the people as they fell under the Spirit from the mere touch of her hand. Hell, we were about as conservative a Christians as you'd ever met. Knew nothing about the pentecostal experience. Knew nothing about faith. We only loved God. Simple. He looks to our hearts. Only our hearts. So this preacher turned into a wild-ass. I've got such good preaching material of what you should never do :) And people listen to it when you tell them you've done it. Most of the ones I preach to, all us misfits, have done far more in their short lives. Street kids. Gang kids. And every ex-something you can think of. You know what changes them? Love. That's all they need. Never been loved by anyone their whole lives. God changes lives once the walls around their hearts begin to come down. And you never try to put God in a box. Just let God do what God wants to do. I've seen so many miracles. Nothing special about us. Just willing vessels is all. So I am now seeing my new life unfold before my eyes. Did a wedding about a month ago. First ministry work in 2 years. I was rusty, but it felt so right. And I'm talking to God again. He's always been there with me, couldn't have made it without Him, but He knew what I had to go through to prepare me for the rest of my life. For those that know of me through my past posts, please don't roll your eyes. But Lord brought me the one I knew would come, just didn't know who or when. Strange. I was in love with this one from the moment I laid eyes on her. And my love for her isn't taking 30 years to grow. Weird, but I just picked up love where I left off with my wife of 30 years. Didn't expect that one. We see each other nearly every day. Absolute best friends. Nothing else. That's her wish for now. Finally, someone who can throtle me. I'm truly a blessed man. Other than that, my life's a wreck. Nine million unfinished projects. House is an absolute disaster zone. I've become addicted to my anti-depressants. I can't fall asleep unless I take them. And then sometimes not even with them -- like tonight. And I barely eat anything. Most days, 2 egg mcmuffins a day, if I eat at all. I've lost a lot of weight. And I have aged incredibly over this past year. But I'm strong. Thin yes. But feel really good physically. Without health insurance, I've decided to wein myself slowly off the 2 anti-depressants. I did talk to the doctor last visit and he wrote down for me how he wants me to do it. It was just up to this point that I have been fearful to do without those drugs. Fear of ever falling back into that hell hole of depression that came after my initial grief shock. Amazing how being in love with the most beautiful woman ever changes a man. Finally, someone to live for. Someone to build a new life with. Someone who has many of the same passions I have. Makes me want to start taking care of myself again, not for me, but for her. And you know what? Yes we all lost our spouse. But we also lost our best friend. And when it all boils down to it, it is the best friend part we all need more than anything or anyone else. Anything more than that is just icing on the cake. So I think I've completed as nearly complete record of my grief written here in my multitude of posts for the past 2 years. I own it. It was after all my grief, my experiences, my shattered life. And now, I'm ready to put it behind me. I know it will always be there in one form or another, but I just don't think much about it these days. Too busy building a new life. Glad to have had the old one, not my choice to lose it. Thanks to all for reading. I'm not looking for any advice. If you don't like something I wrote, or for some, just plain don't like me, just mosie on down the trail and find someone else to vent your anger to. This is after all, my life. You get to live yours anyway you choose. It is called freedom. I love each and everyone here. And I promise to pop in every now and again. God bless and comfort each and everyone of us, which He does whether we can see that or not. ~~~ Scottie  PS, her name is Francisca (Frankie). She's a Godsend alright :)