Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am sitting at my kitchen window looking out on yet another snowfall. The yard has six and eight foot mounds already and there are icicles hanging from nearly every part of my roof. While the scene has a terrible beauty about it, I am wondering exactly how I got here. Coming to this rural place was my husband's dream and he was thrilled to care for the land and the large and very old house we live in. He loved it so much that I learned to love it through him, even though I was raised in New York city and we lived in Boston suburbs when we were first married. I cannot imagine leaving here -- at least not now, because so much of his happiness and contentment is connected here.
My husband was a valiant man in so many ways and he fought the chronic disease which eventually took him last summer with all that he had. While caring for him during the last five months of his life, I made him some promises -- that I mean to keep, but just don't know quite how -- about taking care of the house and land. I had done some of that while he was in the hospital for several months before he came home last spring and thought I would figure a way to manage doing that again and also working full time. But this winter has been terrible weather-wise, old systems have acted up, and equipment like the generator stopped working in the middle of the last blizzard. I am finding this is all very hard to manage, even though I have wonderful neighbors and my son tries to come when he can to help out. I am truly grateful for that!
So, in addition to missing my very best friend and soul-mate so terribly, I am feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of keeping the house and land in the shape that he would want. I know that I can only do what I can do, but literally not knowing "what to do" triggers a lot of grief stuff for me. Thank goodness for the dogs who remind me that they need to eat and get out regularly no matter what!
I imagine this situation is not unusual. Are there others who have gone through this?
Good luck to everyone in New England with this latest snowstorm and good thoughts to all -
Valie
My husband was a valiant man in so many ways and he fought the chronic disease which eventually took him last summer with all that he had. While caring for him during the last five months of his life, I made him some promises -- that I mean to keep, but just don't know quite how -- about taking care of the house and land. I had done some of that while he was in the hospital for several months before he came home last spring and thought I would figure a way to manage doing that again and also working full time. But this winter has been terrible weather-wise, old systems have acted up, and equipment like the generator stopped working in the middle of the last blizzard. I am finding this is all very hard to manage, even though I have wonderful neighbors and my son tries to come when he can to help out. I am truly grateful for that!
So, in addition to missing my very best friend and soul-mate so terribly, I am feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of keeping the house and land in the shape that he would want. I know that I can only do what I can do, but literally not knowing "what to do" triggers a lot of grief stuff for me. Thank goodness for the dogs who remind me that they need to eat and get out regularly no matter what!
I imagine this situation is not unusual. Are there others who have gone through this?
Good luck to everyone in New England with this latest snowstorm and good thoughts to all -
Valie
One of the first things I did after my husband died was to fulfill a promise I had made to him. I felt that he was "proud" of me and it helped me feel connected to him, so I do understand the importance of keeping our promises. However, my situation was easy compared to yours.
In my humble opinion, your husband would want you live safely and with as few worries as possible. Perhaps taking care of the house and land means eventually entrusting it to someone else who will love it and care for it.
I understand how staying in the home you shared with your husband is a comfort to you - I feel the same. But one day I think I will realize that it's time for me to move on, and finding a smaller home to care for will make my life easier. It's a decision no one can make for us - I think we just "know" when it's time.
By the way, I am a transplant from the north and know so well the difficulty of living through a brutal winter - ice on the power lines and power going out, shoveling the driveway, the car getting stuck, steps are icy, wondering if you can get from point A to point B and then if you can get back again. I hope that you and all DS friends up North stay safe and warm.
Karen
The house was Morey's dream, he loved it and wanted to stay there forever. I simply could NOT do it without HIM! It's unfair to put these expectations on ourselves. We have to survive and make our lives better for us.
We have another place closer to the city and although Morey had made a huge country garden on our patio, I'm working on minimizing it now! My life is much better without the property and the huge garden since he's not here to care for it. I made sure that our dogs were cared for and safely with me and am living a simpler life!
YOU have to recognize your limitations and don't let guilt rule your world!!!!
Roz ;o)
I echo all that you wrote. I've always lived in large cities, including a few in Europe, but when I met and married Jim he lived in rural no-where-ville. Talk about cultural shock, but I was mucking along as long as I could travel.
We also have property and a rather large home. Jim didn't take care of much . . it was all hired out, with exception of housekeeping, I preferred to do myself (control freak that I am). :)
P.S. He died and left me destitute (dementia and changed his Last Will three weeks prior to passing). And guess who he left it all to? Yup, our main caretaker/handyman. Needless to say, I'm in the midst of contesting the Will . . . and am at odds with the caretaker obviously, so have had to learn how to do it all on my own and without a lot of means to hire anything out. I've learned the pool, the landscape, the riding mower, etc etc
As if this weren't enough everything seems to be breaking down around me. First major was the pool pump, lots of weird smaller things that I managed to fix or learn to live without, and now the heat pump blower motor is shot. Jeez. It's bitter cold and I can't afford to have it fixed right now. Mucking along with a fireplace . . . thank God for that. Hauling wood in, getting up in the wee hours of the am to keep it stoked. Yikes . . and I thought I'd have an easy winter compared to taking care of the outdoor chores.
Enough about me . . . just know that you will figure it all out in time and manage just fine. We do what we have to do . . . and we are stronger than we think! Sending you lots of positive healing energy your way. xo, Dayna