I know, to some extent, how you feel. And I believe you are right- I think we have to "force" ourselves to get out there and attend the social events that we once enjoyed. It is hard though - I still tend to want to isolate. The only place I feel truly comfortable is in my home. The things I enjoyed before- bring no joy...but I innately feel like I need to do them anyway.

I took a course in abnormal psychology many years ago. When we studied depression, one of the things that stood out to me was that the most effective behavioral therapy for someone that is suffering from depression is very simple- they act as if they are not depressed. Depressed people sometimes don't feel like getting out bed, taking care of their personal hygiene, taking care of their responsibilities, interacting socially, etc. So, sometimes they give into the urge to avoid doing these things. Then, later, they feel guilty for not doing them and it becomes a never ending, spiraling, ever worsening cycle. The only effective way to break it is to get out there and do what you don't feel like doing.

I know that grief isn't the same as depression and I know that, to maintain our sanity, we all need to allow ourselves time alone and we need to pamper ourselves from time to time. But I can't help but to also see how we might benefit from stepping outside our comfort zone from time to time.

We will make it through this. We are going to be some tough cookies by the time this is over... And we will be even more beautiful when we are able to begin enjoying life again, because we've weathered this horrific storm, and we know how precious life and time are in a way that we truly didn't comprehend before.

I wish I could give you a gigantic hug!

Just by being there, you will be giving Kaiya the greatest gift...
You!
Ain't a thing phony about that!

hi fuchsiasky, I totally understand where you're coming from. "They" say (and after all is said and done, I likely agree) that it's important not to isolate yourself.
I guess that means getting out and doing things. Left to my own resources, I don't want to be with people, ESPECIALLY if I have to put on a front of enjoyment on top of it. The ultimate pleasure before was just to be alone with John anyway...can't easily fake an interest in others now.
But I have to say, that now after completing a task, or getting out even for a few hours, or forcing myself (and I usually, really have to force myself) it feels a tad better...there's a little satisfaction somewhere behind that big inevitable wall of dread.

Maybe it's just that I can check it off my to do list, or maybe it's because it takes some of the hours away from a day or night that would otherwise be spent alone in sorrow and despair. Maybe it's feeding my soul with a realization that others who are caring enough to invite/ include me are really a god send, really divine, and really necessary to be embraced, even if just by observing them live and enjoy life and letting me watch...not sure, but a little ember is sustained, somehow. I sense it's glow.

Now, lest this sound all too rosey, this going out/ forcing pleasure stuff can cause an adverse reaction too! I also felt early on in grief, that it would make loneliness all the more apparent. Cuz, after all you still come home to your loved one not being there. Or you still watch whatever event/ spectacle you're forcing yourself to "enjoy" alone, without your preferred loved one there with you.

I try to remember, there is only one universe all here in the same time & space: one that includes our God and our heaven, our sorrow and our hope, our discarnate oved ones & our incarnate friends all here and now. All together in the end.

Hang in there, dear heart!

Your right it is (Pretend Living) right now it's only been a little more then two months since my Wife is gone and Easter was a very tough day and I have been to a Birthday party and dinner out with friends and even to a casino with friends and as much as I try to show them I'm having a good time I'm really dying on the inside. When your Better Half isn't there for you it is very tough. Again in time I hope and pray that all of us will find Peace and some Happiness. Robert

I think I am happy with myself for trying. I think it was good to go out yesterday. Even though it felt amazing to just stop smiling after it was done. To come back to the comfy blanket of misery was nice. Cause being away from it was really hard to do.

The truth is though that I hate my life. I love the people in it. Without them I probably wouldn't be here anymore. Without my daughter I would have no reason to live at all. I know that I have to build a life for us. But every day that I try I hate it. I just don't want this life. I want the one that I was supposed to have with Rob. Maybe someday I will be able to let go of that feeling and actually like living again. Until then hopefully Kaiya doesn't realized that I am faking it completely.

I hear you and I say the same thing to myself everyday, that I hate my life. Up until that awful night I felt my world was perfect I don't think there was anything else I wanted in life and now the world is upside down to me. Please for your sake and the sake of your Daughter try and stay strong. God Bless you and I will pray for you. Robert

There is an old saying, Fake it until you make it. I don't think it would work for me, but I don't have anyone dependent on me anymore. So I get to do whatever I feel like, or not even do that if I don't want to. I am getting better now (I think, but what do I know?). But I recognize that I can't handle drama and so I went into what I call my hermit stage just to cut out the drama from others, and focus on my healing. Selfish? You bet. But it has helped me. But now I'm coming out of the hermit stage, and heading over to a food bank conference over in the Seattle area. Some of those people I haven't seen for at least a year and a half since Juanita's cancer diagnosis. So, I'm stepping out for my first time. My greatest respect and admiration is with you parents still raising your children in this grief. I wonder if I could do it. But then I realize that there are some things we have to do no matter what -- they are that important. And somehow and someway, we find the power within ourselves to make it just one more day, and then another, and then another. You blink an eye, and the kids are a year older. And another blink, and they have their own families and have moved out of the house. And when you reflect on the accomplishments in your life that really matter, when you come to the point of discerning the real from the unreal, doing the best you can to raise your kids is really the most important thing any of us will ever do. And to do it with a fake smile on your face? Wow, icing on the cake! God bless you ~~~ Scottie

I made it through cross country and dinner with kaiya's classmate and his mom. I actually enjoyed myself a little. Cross country was so fast I forgot to be sad. And dinner was nice. The kids have been together for three years so the mom knows about what happened. And she wasn't weird about it. I mentioned Rob a few times and it was ok. I didn't have to be happy or sad. She accepted neutral. More importantly I accepted neutral. Glad I made myself go.

yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

:). So glad it went well!

I remember in 2010 I lost my mom to ovarian cancer. 2013 I lost my father to COPD issues. And there have been other family members over the years. And even tho I loved them all it was still different losing Linda. I guess for those of you who have children I would say they are grieving the way we did losing someone who isn't, husband or wife so they will probably recover quicker or at least handle it different, the way we did losing others until we lost our spouse.
I have a step daughter and she is hurting but it's different than what I am going thru, I know that sounds self serving but I just mean it's a different intensity for me. She is recovering and moving on quicker than I am. So I have to let it flow. One day if she marries she will understand what I went thru if, unfortunately something happens to her spouse.
I'm not sure I am doing a good job explaining this, just that kids are resilient and bounce back from life's tragedies quicker than we as adults do. And for them loosing a parent is a different type of grief than us losing a spouse. Hope tis makes sense.
Peace, Tim