Keeping what I have of Mike is on me. I do not choose to let him go. I have never asked Mike's permission for anything, and as a reasonably strong person, I want to keep every scrap of him that I have. Maybe I fight to keep him close the way he fought to live.

Maggie

The difference between an illness that had it's ultimate end and a death that was sudden and unexpected. Not that we are ever really prepared, death is so final, but when we know our loved one is dying we have an opportunity to discuss some things. Not so when we are faced with the shock of a sudden death. There is no last discussion, no opportunity.

We had 2 years before lung cancer took Joe's life. During that time, he did everything he could to fix our affairs so that I wouldn't have to worry about anything. Because he loved me so much, it gave him comfort to know that our house was paid off and other things were accomplished. I think he would want me to be happy, whatever it would be that could make me that way. He wasn't too keen on my remarrying and I am VERY NOT KEEN on getting married again, so we are in sync on that. I am going back to the joys I used to have before we met. I loved hiking, camping, traveling, gardening, classical music, reading. These things make me happy and I think he wants me to go back to joy and not sit in misery the rest of my life.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

For me....letting go means letting go of what my life was and what it is
never going to be (a future with my husband) , I shall never forget the
man nor the memories..... but I have to let go of wishing & hoping I
am having a bad dream and going to awake... he's not coming back..
and I believe Jim has reached a peaceful destination of Heaven...
it gives me peace & calmness in my heart... & he still loves me as I do him.... for love never dies....

Things were different for me. When the doctor gave me the diagnosis, he told me that it was best to let him go. We could have tried to replace the shunt, but by then, his brain was so far gone, it wouldn't have helped him have a quality of life. I had to make the decision to let him go. He had no idea what shape he was in and was in no position to be told. I am sure that he didn't know he was dying. I did of course and every day I spent with him was a gift. But then, he was 87 years old and had a good life. I gave him extra years because I was a good nurse.
But I will miss him forever even though he wasn't himself for a very long time. Judith

It was a sudden death for my husband. Still we talked about the inevitable, sometimes spending an evening cuddled together, discussing how great our lives would be in the next world. We talked about it as if we were planning a trip.

He's there now which gives me comfort. It's what keeps me going most days. Just think, in less than 100 years, I'll be there with him.

Tru

Rich died unexpectedly - we never had a chance to discuss it. Maybe this would be easier if things had been different, if he'd been older or had been sick for a long time. But I have to deal with what happened, easy or not.

Being only 51 when Jeff died, who would have thought it would happen? Unexpected ? Yes, for most of us. But not Jeff. He knew! And tried to prepare me for his not coming home from the hospital.
We had talked alot about what we wanted for our future together. And also what we wanted if/when the time came for our deaths.
But, I know now that I could never had prepared for it. The only thing that keeps me going is like Tru, I know that in less than 100 years, I'll be by his side again too.

I kinda liked how you said that. My husbands death was an accident and it has been painful. It has turned me every direction and upside down. The one thing I have really been seeing is how my pre-perceptions and expectations of death has changed. I cannot tear out my experiences with my husband any more than I can the memory of my favorite first grade teacher or that favorite scent or that crazy joke that no matter how many times it's told still cracks me up. There all there, firmly cemented in my mind and heart that I protect and guard.

What I am learning also though is that over time I will no longer be chained to John's death. I am making daily choices to weave those gifts, those memories, those lessons of love he taught me into becoming something better and that makes him so alive in me. Our journey's crossed all those years ago and I am grateful. I would love one day not to hear "oh there's his widow but wow, what an impact he had on her".

I sat by his bedside and I gave him permission to die. Maybe in his death he gave me permission to fly.

zoebo, I am so with you...I love it...he gave me permission to FLY...
as I gave him permission to die and assured him I would be okay..
and I am okay...because of his death my life has changed ...I live
each day trying to honor him by smiling at a stranger, saying hello,
complimenting people, thanking people, helping people... I have
such a better sense of loss, I have more compassion, empathy ..
I want to hear wow what an impact she has made... I have a
choice to exist in deep sadness & isolation or to live a purpose
driven...productive life ...I chose the later... by helping others, I am
helping myself...Jim lives in me & through me for he was a humble
giving man and he had a huge impact and was an inspiration to
so many ...may his memory be eternal..

Letting go can mean a lot of thing when we knew that my husband had cancer it wasto far gone he lived 2 years in remission then lung cancer he did all he could tomake things easy after he was gone. Letting go to me meant letting him go in peace . Letting go of the dreams we had of thelife we were to have it hard at times but I done it today is three years since his death it does get easier as time goes on . huggskathyjo

@ tpoulos My husband died unexpectedly & I regret I never got to say that morning I love you or good bye but I truly think your words are very comforting to me. I have let go of that because I had no choice either his or mine.

And letting go to go on I know he w/want me to, & once getting past the stepkids hassles I feel working on letting that go got in way of grieving & letting go the way you are saying. Happy to say thats easier now -

I agree we have to let go of fighting to keep their physical self there ( not quite sure how to say that cuz I know we know they are no longer there but...) & find a way to keep the wonderful memory self there in our hearts & go on in a happier way - hardest part though I think while transitioning....It is to me letting go of the reality they are truly gone to they are still happily here in my heart
.OH I hope this makes sense to others

Still the hardest part for ME is what is my destination now? Where am I supposed to go or do? Where should I live here or ? I can not get a clear picture of that maybe its too soon...

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in June and died in November. He knew he was dying so he did all he could to make it easy on me, he fixed everything in the house, hired a handyman for me and made sure that his paperwork was all in order. We talked a lot, he said he wanted me to be happy and have a good life. He was very excepting of his situation. He told me he did not care if I met someone else, but to remember that in the ever after the other guy would have to fend for himself as I was back to being his. Of course I can't even think of there ever being someone else, he was a one of a kind guy and in my eyes not replaceable no how no way. I miss him so very much, it will be just 4 months on Sunday.

I don't intend to let my husband go, nor do I feel I need to. I have healed to a level I am content with. I feel good, and am constantly busy with activities and friends. My husband refused to acknowledge that he was going to die. Rather, he chose to carry on as though he was going to live forever. And it was all because he didn't want to leave me.

We both knew that neither one ever wanted another in their life, nor did we want to remarry. We always had a very difficult time envisioning our lives without each other. I feel him with me 24/7 every day and that's the way I want it to stay.

Sherm was diagnosed with colon cancer in 07 but held on till last year. But in that time we had many talks about what I needed to do, how to do it. He took care of all he could to make it easier for me. He even told me he wanted me to find another so I wouldn't be alone. He made me promise to enjoy the rest of my life no matter where it led me. And of course the kids and I all told him we would look after each other and gave him permission to go when the time was right. I guess we each gave permission for the next step on our journeys. And he promised to wait for me when he got where he was going.