Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
There are people in this world that unless you have been through a terrible loss of either a child or the love of their life. They don't seem to understand or don't care how their words can hurt, whether they know it or not.
Tonight I experienced that with my boyfriend Will's mother. She was telling me that Will's aunt was asking about me and was wondering when Will and I were going to get married. I told her that we were not planning on getting married, that Will knows where I stand on that subject, I don't see us getting married. She said Will was probably not over dealing with the way that his exwife treated him terribly, and that getting divorced was worse then death(which I got as meaning that divorcing a spouse is worse then losing a spouse from he/she dying). At that point, I was not sure what to do, or say, I knew fussing with her would not accomplish anything, so I just went into the bedroom and laid down.
Part of me was hoping that Will would have stood up for me, I don't know if it was because he did not hear or understood what she said. But I let him know that she did hurt me by what she said and told him what she said. He said that anymore she doesn't really know what she says, she could say something and then a little later not remember what she said. Which is not excuse and that whether or not she knew what she was saying, it still hurt. Maybe with him not understanding how it is to lose the love of your life, he should not think it would not hurt me any less.
One thing does kinda of(but not totally) surprise me, what she said to me, is the fact that she is a widow herself. Which makes me think/feel that either losing her husband was not as tramatic as it was to so many of us or she did that to hurt me. Which ever, there still is no excuse for what she said.
Thank you for letting me vent, that is one of the reasons this group has been such a godsend. Having a place to go, where others understand what I have gone through and am still going through.
Tonight I experienced that with my boyfriend Will's mother. She was telling me that Will's aunt was asking about me and was wondering when Will and I were going to get married. I told her that we were not planning on getting married, that Will knows where I stand on that subject, I don't see us getting married. She said Will was probably not over dealing with the way that his exwife treated him terribly, and that getting divorced was worse then death(which I got as meaning that divorcing a spouse is worse then losing a spouse from he/she dying). At that point, I was not sure what to do, or say, I knew fussing with her would not accomplish anything, so I just went into the bedroom and laid down.
Part of me was hoping that Will would have stood up for me, I don't know if it was because he did not hear or understood what she said. But I let him know that she did hurt me by what she said and told him what she said. He said that anymore she doesn't really know what she says, she could say something and then a little later not remember what she said. Which is not excuse and that whether or not she knew what she was saying, it still hurt. Maybe with him not understanding how it is to lose the love of your life, he should not think it would not hurt me any less.
One thing does kinda of(but not totally) surprise me, what she said to me, is the fact that she is a widow herself. Which makes me think/feel that either losing her husband was not as tramatic as it was to so many of us or she did that to hurt me. Which ever, there still is no excuse for what she said.
Thank you for letting me vent, that is one of the reasons this group has been such a godsend. Having a place to go, where others understand what I have gone through and am still going through.
Just please know you are not alone and while there is nothing you can do to change what people say to you, because they just will keep on doing it, you can choose to ignore it. And when you can't....I have been known to speak my mind too!!! Even when I do though, most times people just can't understand where you are coming from. Even though as you said she is a widow herself, and I hope she did NOT saY that just to hurt you, a wise person from this very site said and I really heard it. 'No one can hurt you unless you give them the power to.". that has helped me when these things are said, and hope it helps you too?
HUGS to you and again I'm sorry people say the things they do to hurt. diane
Do what you need to, for yourself, to be able to cope. I know I have had to take a (temporary?) separation from a number of people because I can not deal with their insensitivity.
Hugs to you.
Polly
The first one would be easy to answer; Alone, broken hearted, hurt, lost, betrayed, useless, think of the worst and that is how I'm doing.
The second one I would really let go; That I am assuming is none of your damn business, Have a good day.
Number 3 sets me off; YOU THINK? I am sorry but her suffering rears it's ugly head each and everyday in my mind. Those images have been permanently burned into my memory. She is in Heaven now and at peace but I will always have those last moments of her life haunt me. So you see the suffering still goes on inside of me.
The last but not the least; What future? I have no future. My future died September 1, 2010. All the plans we made together, all the places we wanted to see and things we wanted to do together have all disappeared and gone away. I see no future without Donna in it.
What really bothers me is close friends and her's and my family have asks the same questions and said the same things lately. I am glad I am in Colorado and both families live back east. At least I only talk to them on the phone now and then. I only have one true friend that really understands. He is more like a brother to me than my own family. We have both been through our own hell here on earth. My other so called friends asks and make the infamous, stupid questions and comments.
Sorry I got so long winded with this one, but it really bothers me that people are this way. If only they could see life through our eyes when they ask those questions and make those comments.
Karen you are not alone and I am so thankful that we all found our ways here to DS. We are truly a family of people from all over the world that understands what each other is going through and are always here for one another with understanding, prayers and Big Hugs Aplenty.
Big Grizzly Bear Hugs,
Ralph