Hi,
I have thought about this too. I would not have wanted Scott to go thru this grief process. I am not sure if he could have done it. He died suddenly heart attack at 55. If roles were reversed I don't think he would make it.
We didn't have kids together. he had his mom and sisters and brothers and niece and nephew. He was sort of a loner. He was close to his family. I don't mean to sound vain but he loved me so much and told me all the time for almost 15 yrs. I think my death would have broken his heart and I don't think he would recover.
I would not wish this on him. it's a horrible journey. I believe he is in a place of great joy and peace with God his Dad etc.

Jeff, it makes total sense to me. As it happens today, Sunday - never the best day of the week, I went for a long walk in the park nearby, where we spent many hours. I was walking, thinking about him, crying a bit and then I thought, as I had a few times before, how would he have coped alone. My reply was not well, he would have survived of course as he was a very able and practical person but he was the introvert of our couple, I the extrovert.

He relied 100% on me socially. Our eldest daughter remarked on the subject a few months ago, saying that her papa would not have coped as well as I do. I am pleased he did not have to go through this agonising, raw and harsh grieving road. I know he would have known that I would cope with life but he would not have known about this life changing grief.

Total sense indeed.

As much as I hate this journey, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am thankful it is me that is left behind, rather than him...

I am (was) the eternal optimist. He, the opposite. I was (am) more engaged socially. He would choose to sit home with a book or to take a nap if left to his own accord. I loved adventure, travel, and being with people. He was more introspective and private, although he usually went along with whatever I came up with (and we had some WILD experiences as a result!) I was raised by an intact loving family, and was financially secure growing up. He was raised by a single mother who struggled. My family of origin (3 sibs and my dad) is still healthy. He'd already lost his brother, and both his parents. I am a talker. He'd not even answer the phone. And would rarely, if ever, reach out to anyone for help.

So all those things taken into consideration...I think it would have been HORRIBLE for him. We'd talked about it over the years, and he always told me he would go first. That I was strong, and that I would be able to handle it. I never wanted to believe that. But somewhere inside, we both knew it was true...

I am thankful for him that his death was quick. That our last conversation, just a short time before, was filled with laughter. That he died knowing he was loved. And even though he left me without warning, I know much he loved me. I am thankful I have the friends I do, and the support I do. And that I am able to tap into it. He may have been, too... and perhaps it sounds egotistical for me to think I could handle it better than he. Maybe it is just that I loved him so much, I am glad he was spared this hideous hellacious part of life. He'd already lost so many others...

My husband and I also talked about this. A few years ago I had a scare with breast cancer. I told him that I wanted him to take care of our boys (at that time 2 sons and 1 grandson) and if he found someone to love go for it. He told me that he would never marry again. If I had died I would have want him to enjoy life again with some else
I believe that he would have been destroyed at first. He would have lots of support. He had 6 serving siblings, my family and 3 long time friends from childhood who would support him. He would have gotten through the paper work quicker then me because he would have made that a priority. He also had many things that he enjoyed to do golf, fishing, sports, umping baseball,. He was retired and looked after my youngest grandson. My husband's life was full. That would have gotten him through the grieving.
A week before my husband went to ICU. At this time we did not know that he would die. He asked me to take care of our 4 boys. Especially our youngest son who does not cope well with death. He told me that I had the power to do what I needed to do and not to second guess any decisions that I make. Now that I have the power to make my own decisions I find it very difficult. I was also a very strong person, but since his death I do not feel strong. I believe that he would have gotten through this much better then me. I am not saying that I will not get through this new journey . He would have known exactly what to do.

Jeff, I've posted this same question myself. I don't think it's strange to ask this at all. What would Joe do? Pretty much the same as what I'm doing, I think. It doesn't matter. To quote an unknown author, the greatest gift I gave him was being the one left behind. .....well, not to be morbid or anything, but I get that quote now. Marsha

When the pain of loss was so acute I felt glad he wasn't living through the days of sadness. My perception has changed and I believe he would be the same as I was. The grief is hard for whoever is left, but we make it through determination and sheer will. I will never forget the time we shared. He was strong and could have overcome the hurdle as I have.
I used to say that he never should leave me, I thought I couldn't make it. I did, and he would have too. Sharon

Thanks everyone for your responses they are really helpful. When I posted this I really thought that I was "out there" a bit. Now I see that evidently not. It is amazing how different we all are but, yet we all have simular thoughts now in this respect.

My kids told me that even tho she was more connected to people, that I was her strength, and they think she would not have done as well were the roles reversed. So I guess maybe it is better that I'm the one to be left. Even though it really really sucks. Also I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is just very comforting to get the support from all of you. Thank you all.

Jeff

It makes perfect sense. Though I did look at the other side of things too, and because my husband passed from cancer and was sick for 2 years trying to battle it, I would have given anything to be in his place instead of watching him go through that. I wanted to know what I could do, and if he hurt and wasn't telling me to be brave. I have been on the other side in the hospital bed and was able to know those answers.

I think it does matter too in what age range you are when you go through it. My son was 5 at the time of his death. I was my son's caregiver, along with my husband's caregiver. My son was used to the schedule of me taking him back and forth to daycare, getting him dressed and fed, etc even before my husband's cancer made him more ill and less able to do those things. I always was the one to pay the bills and do everyday things and cleaning and such.

My long-winded answer in the end I guess is yes, it would be hard for anyone to go through the loss, but for many different reasons. Mine was losing my best friend, but I was able to muddle through the everyday tasks while grieving whereas he would have had to deal with the emotional loss along with learning everything that was done by me.

I've thought about this a lot myself. My boyfriend was loved by so many people, I mean I have never seen a funeral with so many people there, it was crazy the amount there, people were standing up i the church and everything as there was nowhere to sit. I just kept thinking if it were the other way round nowhere near as many people would be affected. He was such a lovely, kind hearted, genuine man, He was perfect. I kept wishing it was me instead, I still do at times but I know I'm being really selfish. I love him so much I would not want him to feel the way I feel, I couldn't put the man I love through this

Jeff

This definitely makes perfect sense. At some point I am sure this has crossed a widow/widowers mind. Not intentionally of course. But you don't know how many times I have said to myself if I had been the one to pass away I wonder how Richard would have done or not done something. So many things to wonder about, but then I come back to reality and I know God has a plan. Richard was at peace when he died and that brings joy to my heart

It sounds crazy but there were so many people at Bob's memorial service I was almost jealous. He was loved by so many people it was overwhelming, people I had never heard of or met were there. I am glad I am the one going through this nightmare, I would never want him to have to go through this. Well not glad but I am grateful in some weird way that he will never have to experience the pain. That is the final gift I can give him is to spare him from this torture.

Not strange at all. My wife was 13 years younger than me. I should have died first. BUT - I now realize how selfish it would have been to have her live and me die and have her grieve the way I am - so much pain - I wouldn't wish this pain and grieving on the person I loved most in life

It's so good to hear others address this issue. My husband would have followed me into death in just a few short months if I had died first. And to be totally selfish for just a few seconds.......I would have waited to hold his hand to make that journey together (I even prayed that God would take me so I could walk with him on his journey). I understand all the logical issues of him going first.....but the pain I feel is so immense that I know he couldn't have survived it alone (even with other family present and available....). I'm just starting to 'smile' outside my home at strangers (and not be pissed all the time that I feel so alone). I have reached my 1 yr. anniv and I know I've made terrific progress on the 'outside' but my 'inside' is still screaming and so lonely. Grief counseling meetings have been the most help and giving MYSELF permission to continue grieving as long as I need too. Go with your heart and keep yourself #1 for now. God Bless you and I am praying for courage, strength and peace for you.

All partners know that (most likely) one will go before the other -- though people don't seem to think or talk about much. Wondering what it would have been like sounds like a natural thought, but I wouldn't dwell. What matters is that you were both strong and loving for eachother. Again, so sorry for your loss.