Jeff,
Yes, your post DOES make sense. As painful as Sam's death has been for me, I would never have wanted him to go through this pain. I'd like to add this thought, too: when I'm falling apart, one of the things that helps me pull myself together is the fact that I know it would be so devastating to Sam to know that he in some way is the cause of the pain that his family and I are experiencing. He would never want to hurt any of us, so I use that thought as my strength. Maybe that sounds bizarre, but it has helped me through some very dark moments.

Totally makes sense Jeff. I to would not have wanted her to endure the grief journey but I also hate the fact she had to endure the cancer journey. So I have really mixed feeling when I think about it. But yes I definitely have thought how my wife would have handled things in reverse. Gerald

I felt and feel the same way. I'm thankful as you said that my wife didn't have to go through what we have to endure. I also know finances would have made her grief even worse because her income would not have supported her.

I think most of us have felt the same way, you make perfect sense.

I know I've thought about it. I don't think he'd stay in the area and move back home. He'd be more adept at handling issues with the houses and vehicles, since he did all the maintenance on everything. Since I had him, and he had his boys, he said once it would be best if I were the one to eventually go first. Just goes to show, in our limited wisdom, things never go the way we think they should.

I have thought about it a lot. If I had gone first, he wouldn't have had anyone to take care of him. The kids would have put him in a nursing home. Then they might once a month to check on him. His mind was gone, and would be confused as to why he was there alone. And would never realized that I was gone.

I have thought about it a lot. my husband was amazing but I wouldn't of wanted him to have to lose me. he wasn't social or close to anyone other than me and I wouldn't have wanted him to be alone trying to raise our kids and taking care of his own health. he would get into trouble on his own...he always had a way to find trouble when left alone :) He died suddenly and unexpectedly. but while I was pregnant and hormonal I told him I hoped he went first in so he wouldn't be alone...but I meant a long time down the road not now.he never liked when I talked like that. I also made him promise to be buried with me and told him I would never remarry but he needed too...lol he was better behaved when he was married.

Bandiblue's statement that your loved one would suffer if they knew they were causing you and your family so much trouble in on target, IMO.

One of the things that the hospice people told us was that the ill one will hang onto life until they become convinced that those they leave behind will be "ok". We had to give them permission to leave.

I have thought about this many times over the past almost 6 years. It brings up so many mixed emotions for me. Sometimes it is the anger that is uppermost - I get so emotionally exhausted taking care of all the things he should have been here to handle, that I have moments of deep resentment over it. Other times, I am grateful he wasn't the one left behind. Like Kara's husband, I'm not sure Cliff would have stayed out of trouble left to his own devices.

Regardless of my feelings about it, what set me straight were my sons' comments. My older son has Asperger's Syndrome and Essential Tremor; my younger son is Autistic (both sons on the Autism Spectrum). I commented to my older son once that maybe they would have been better off I had been the one to go. He said, "No way! If you had died first, we would have been SCREWED! Dad could never have handled it or taken care of us." His brother agreed whole-heartedly. Mind you, they were devastated and heartbroken when their Dad died, so I knew he wasn't saying it lightly either. Cliff was their hero, best friend, mentor, spiritual guide, protector -- you-name-it.

Maybe Bob will remember the passage I read once about "It's not extraordinary things done by extraordinary people, but rather extraordinary things done by ordinary people who often don't think they are up to the mark." That pretty much sums up every member of this group.

You make perfect sense to me, Jeff.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Hi, Jeff. That thought makes sense to me as well. Even though we really loved each other, he was the one that had to keep in touch, that would call during the work day any time he had a couple of minutes, would prefer me to be in the same room with him when we were home. I had more of a need to be alone sometimes, to just read quietly or browse on the computer, but I never wanted to be divorced or widowed. Now I'm alone all the time, and as terrible as that is for me, I don't think he would have been able to function. My son said this to me one day recently, without prompting.

One regret I have is that Steve knew I needed some time alone and I think it hurt him at times. But we accepted each other as individuals so I guess I should let that go. To have suppressed that need in myself would have made our relationship less authentic somehow, and that would have been a loss for both of us.

Alice

Incredible isn't it that we should ask some of the questions we do ...
Years ago on another widow website, this same question would appear at least once every other month ...
Even though it is said we all grieve differently, there are many commonalities ...
I always found common questions brought connectness & solace in knowing that I was not alone ...

Jeff, I have often thought about this. Sometimes I wonder why I am left here, when it was my wife who had so many people who depended on her. My wife was very social, has children from previous marriage and grandchildren too. My wife I know would have been devastated if I had passed before her, but I know she would have had the greatest support from her family and would have done so much more than I have at this time in getting myself help.

But also when I think this way, I also ask myself what I would want my wife to do if I were the one that passed before her. I would want her to live her life - to try to move forward - to possibly find hope and happiness again, and if she was ready to also find someone who would love her as I love her. I would have told her this if it were I that was coming to the end of my life. It would not be a feeling of letting go, it would be a feeling of letting her know she needs to be free and not feel she has to live with the bad memories for the rest of her life of my passing, not to feel guilty in having moments of fun, of happiness, of possibly finding love again. I have always believed we are all individuals and we should be allowed to express ourselves and not be shackled by others expectations and demands - love does not require any chains, love is freedom.

The season before John was diagnosed, we lost a very good friend. We did what we could to help her. Her husbands did all the paperwork. But shortly after he passed she started to date, with in three months . After about a month john asked how she could do that so soon. I pointed out that she was alone, that he waould not be coming back to her...and she was not of the stuff to make it on her own I know that sounds bad, but she needed that caretaker person. For 3 months it was whirlwind then a token...a ring. It was at the same point John was going through one treatment after another, still not dx. He said that he was like her, that if I was gone he probably would need to find someone too. I told him I was happy that he understood...which he shot back "But not for you!...you will love me forever." A Statement...no doubt. He said I would be better than her at it.... Three weks later we started our 9 months of "lasts"....

I think I am doing better than he would have done had I died. I know that as devastated as I am I am handling it better than he would have and am glad that he will never have to experience this pain we are all going through.

I have thought about this as well. My boyfriend was such a kind and sensitive man, that If it had been me who passed away I think it would have just destroyed him. He told me in his note that I was the best thing that happened to me. Of course, it's different since he committed suicide. He already couldn't handle life, with me in it. Losing me would have probably led to this same awful fate he chose for himself.

My husband always said he could replace me, overnight....