I have seen your postings, comments and journals since your loss and joining here. Now you will be marking the end of the first year. My thoughts will be with you on that day hoping it will be one of warm reflection and peace.
Hugs Linda

ps..Long lost friends resume their lives and keep forgetting to call. We have to determine if they are worth the occassional concern.

Hugs to you, I hope the anniversary isn't too hard on you. Your Darling wouldn't want you to be unhappy because of this. It is disheartening when "friends" can't even muster up a phone call. I thought when I'm ready I'm going to have a coming out party. Maybe you should think about something like that. We hole ourselves up and don't surface for so long maybe our friends think someone else is with you. Or you are cocooning. Just one of my passing thoughts.

I agree with msholiday - if it bothers you so much that they aren't responding - tell them - not in a bad way - just tell them that you miss them. I had a similar situation - only the woman was in PA and I'm in FL. It bothered me so much that she didn't call/ or email that I told her that I felt ''sad'' that I wasn't hearing from her - didn't say ''mad'' - said ''sad''. She wrote back and said that she had no idea that I would even care about her and our relationship - she said that she was leaving me alone, because she thought I would be ''too busy'' (yeah right) - she said that she felt ''honored'' that I was missing her friendship. WOW. From that time on, we write - just little bits and keep it light. Of course she's far away from me, but take what you can get - don't stand on ceremony - as we all know too well LIFE'S TOO SHORT. ps. The ''milestone'' of the first year is very heavy - hope you find peace.

Personally, I don't know if I would respond to them or not. I probably would not. I know how I am, and I would be too upset that they didn't even take the time to ask how I was doing in all that time -- and then out of the blue because it's the holidays, I get a "card." Gee, thanks.

Granted, I don't have so many friends that I can afford to lose any - but I don't call that a "friend." A true friend would have been there for me when I was going thru the hell of grief. They would have let me cry on their shoulder when I was at my worst. They would have listened when I was scared. Nope - I wouldn't respond. I'm a better friend to people than that.

Just my opinion. Hugs, Lee

Marilyn,

I agree with Lindayou are the only one who can assess whether their friendship is worth your 'burying the hatchet' and taking the initiative to stay in contact. If you decide that you want the friendship to continue, then it will be up to you to make a substantial effort to not always bring up the subject of being ousted when you needed them most. It would serve no purpose and only designate guilt which would definitely smother the embers of any meaningful future relationship.

I have taken both routes with those friends who, in my opinion, looked the other way during my time of need. I decidedwith somethat after an initial phone call on my part that if it wasn't reciprocated, I left the friendship whither on the vine. Then, there were other friendships that I embraced more carefully and have made multiple phone calls 'just to stay in touch.' The friendship of those who drifted away will mostly likely not reach the level they were at one time when we were couples together, but I decided that I wanted to at least keep in touch even if I was the only one reaching out. So, I guess I would say that I had inwardly created two levels of friendships and acted accordingly.

Since it has been over 5 years for me, I have seen that my efforts to stay in touch with some friends have paid off. They seem more comfortable with me nowas though they have finally realized that my 'widowness' is neither catching nor have I turned into some strange creature that they cannot relate to. Yes, it hurts to think that the effort was mostly on my part and little on theirs, but in the long run I'm glad they're still in my life. As for the others, they weren't important enough to me to devote time and effort.

The hurt and disappointment will forever be a wound. Marilyn, if you decide to take the higher road and continue the friendship, the burden will be on you, unfortunately, to suppress the urge to 'really let them have it.' If that happens, you may feel better for a while, but I fear more damage than good will be the result. Standing....had a good suggestion about using the word sad while mentioning she missed hearing from her friend. That sounds like an excellent way to express how much a friendship has meant to you and then go from there.

Blessings to you. This is a tough one, Marilyn. All of us DSers have experienced this abandonment, and it's so very hurtful. We should be the ones that others are trying to comfort, and it turns out that we are the ones that must choose our words and actions carefully. Go figure. TJ

I agree with Leeall - I would let them go. I discovered after Cliff died that a lot of people were my friend for what they were getting from me, not for anything they were prepared to send my way.

And then I had the epiphany that it was okay for me to choose who my friends are.

I put my attention and appreciation into those relationships where it was two-way instead. Putting more effort into those relationships where it wasn't both ways was like pouring water onto sand - it drained me for nothing.

Just my opinion..... Love and Hugs, Martha

My heart goes out to you. I've talked to others who experienced similar reactions from friends especially their married friends. Even amongst my peers I've noticed they become uncomfortable when I speak of my pain. I've even had a friend tell me can we talk about something more pleasant. It's a situation that makes others uncomfortable, they dont know how to offer comfort, Even my own mother couldnt understand my pain or did she want to hear about it. Then my dad passed away a month after my husband and all of a sudden she was overwhelmed with grief.
Sometimes a dose of pure honesty can reopen a road block.
I pray your heart will guide you in the right direction that will best ive you some comfort. Hugs Sue

Just my opinion too but I always thought a real friend was "there" for you in the good and the bad times. Friends that only are around for the good aren't really friends. It is your life and must be your choice.

I hope the one year make will be a day of peace for you and the memories of the happier times will comfort you. Take care.
Hugs, Dianne

I agree with many others here that say a true friend would have stood by you through all the hard times and should have been there so you could have screamed, cried or do whatever you needed to help get rid of the pain...I think that is why so many distance themselves from us is because they just can't handle it. I don't know if I am lucky or not but I did not have any friends outside of work and my direct family...I guess they have to stand by me :) I wish you the best with the anniversary of your husband parting of this world...I did ok...better than I thought I would...now I try to celebrate his life and all the good times..

It hurts, doesn't it? I lost one good friend, due to her pretty much being an clueless ass. The ones who've stayed with me are in it for the long haul. There were some ruffled feathers and misunderstandings in the beginning, but like TJ said so well, I think they figured out it wasn't catching. There were many open (as in, this is where I'm at - deal with it or forget it) discussions - and lo and behold, they stuck with me. These friendships I cherish. I'm not saying to scratch these people off your address list - just put them aside for now and concentrate on those who do get you. And - hugs and peace to you on your one year anniversary, Marilyn. If you were closer, I'D buy the pizza.

I have found that many of the people I thought of as "friends" were only acquaintances. I have a couple of true friends and A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS! I have developed new friendships at church and even with the lady who sold me the granite headstone. All these new friends are completely OK with my talking about Joe a little bit and they help me laugh. They listen and help me laugh. I'm not giving any more thoughts to people who have dropped me. They are part of my history, not my present. Joe died Dec. 18 last year, so my one year is coming up and I cried my eyes out today, not wanting it to come because I have to face up to the fact that he has been gone a year. I want to stay in denial, but the date will slam me in the face with the facts. Christmas won't be hard for me, as my kids/grands will be around, but Dec. 18 will be terrifically hard to get through. I am really dreading it. Mgould, I will be praying for you tomorrow as your one year period becomes reality. Best wishes from a "sister".

It is my two "couple" friends - who have stuck by me. It is the "female-only" friends who have not. As far as letting them know how I feel - these two are EXTREMELY aware. While some have written of not wanting to see people - I was the opposite. I made it very, very clear at the memorial service that more than anything I wanted to get together over xmas break - I'm a teacher and so I'm off then. About 6 friends said they would call me - and no one called.

While most friends I said nothing to about how I felt, these are the two that I poured my heart out - told them how upsetting it was not to get together with people.

Since then I have made other friends and I will make more. I know I would not have behaved this way toward them if the situation was reversed.

I'm not dreading the year mark - I really don't think it will be any different than any other day. Thanks for the responses ... sometimes it is just nice to feel that I'm on the right track.

The saying goes that in times of trouble you find out who your real friends are. It depends on you if you want these friends back in your life so do whatever your heart tells you to do and I will be thinking of you and praying that tomorrow will not be so hard on you. You know that you have so many friends here that are wishing you peace. Diane

I was surprised by some people who really stepped up and disappointed by some who I thought I could rely on. Tough as it was to be disappointed at least now I know who I can rely on and who I can't. I say let go of the ones who disappoint.
Linda

It is time of need that we find out who are truly our friends. Some of our so call friends came to funeral and that was it, I never heard or saw them again. There were some of them that stuck it out and called me everyday for at least 6 months to see how I was doing. There was 2 of them that call me at least 3-4 days a week to check on me. I cried and laughed with them. They listen to me and are there for me. I have just about kissed off the rest and I don't know how I would react towards them. They have had parties, get togethers and did not bother to invite me so why should I consider them my friends. Like Linda said let go of the ones who disappoint you. They are not worth your time. The one year mark is tough but you will make it through. It brings a lot of memories. God bless you and give you the strenght to make it through. Hugs Linda