I'm so sorry for your pain. I know the feeling. I too, would just fall apart at the least unexpected moment. Grief is like no other emotion. I found I had to go with it. I cried rivers. I found a grief group . After a while I didn't feel so alone with my grief. It took some time. The days started to get better, one by one, and I was able to smile at some of the fun times that I would remember.
It's best to go slowly. Take small steps and be patient with yourself. Try to take the good care of yourself. You will find that time will help. This is a good place to visit. Every one here has had a loss and they understand. Please know brighter days are ahead. I wish you strength and peace.. Hugs, Dolores

I want just one more moment too. we knew for 2 years that he was dying, one morning we were trying to load up to go to dialysis and in the time it took for me to get around the car he was gone, no last I love you or goodbye. I regret that, but know he didn't suffer in death. I sometimes think if only but I had to let go of the guilty feelings that I could have done something different and he would still be with me,,,i think that is just part of the grieving we have to do

What can I say to help? Words don't really do that much. You have come face to face with a hard fact. I remember coming face to face with the knowledge that I was not really in control at all. That was an illusion. If I had been in control, I would have had that last good bye with my husband. I would have stayed in control of my emotions, because I wouldn't have known such overwhelming grief. I would have had all the moments in the world, because I wouldn't have let him die. Death is a fact of life however and all we can do is deal with it. The anger and the tears are part of dealing with it. Don't think you are alone or isolated, even though this is probably how you feel. We have all been through this. What helped me was turning to the One who really is in control, not only of life and death, but comfort and strength. It took a lot of time, but I was very aware of God putting my heart back together. I will pray that you will experience comfort, strength and love through Him.

I am also struggling with not being able to control my emotions. But its been 3 months and I am finding it easier to just cry my eyes out when it comes over me. I try not to think about the "I should haves" - but I think everyone has those thoughts. Deep down, I know I did the best I could knowing what I knew at the time. Hugs to you - you are not alone in your pain.

I think I really cried once that I remember in my adulthood. Oh, I shed a few tears watching Hallmark movies, but I was a master at compartmentalizing. I was always able to focus on the matter at hand, no matter what personal distractions screamed for my attention. Like you, all that changed as my grief enveloped me. And the deep uncontrollable sobs from the depths of my soul -- one time for hours it seemed when I discovered her box of cards we had written to each other through the years, and I only read one of hers. We can not control our grief at first. Later, we are able to delay it somewhat to a time and place of our choosing, but we can not avoid it for long. And we must release it. I was never undone by anyone or anything before. So perhaps that is what gave rise to such a significant increased compassion within me for others. It was all too easy for me to think, They just need to get over it. I sure got rid of that stinkin' thinkin'. Just know that whatever your grief does to you or with you is normal in the abnormal bizzaro realm we all have found ourselves dragged into. No fun, but all necessary for you. We all have suffered a trauma unlike anything life could ever throw at us. It is beyond our human capacity to handle it, and I think grief itself is a type of innate survival meechanism built into us - a new normality of abnormalities. Dont fight it, because you cant. Lord knows I tried every tool in my arsenal. Only time, time, and more time is how I got better.. Far from fixed, just better. No longer perfect -- a mere human being now :)) Scottie