Diamorrow, there is nothing easy about the grieving process. I think it's great that you are going for grief counseling. I hope it helps! They say, when we are able to talk about our story, it helps a lot! It will be 9 months for me on April 1st and to be perfectly honest, it still hurts so bad. I have cried every day for nine months now. It's a tough road, but we have to keep trying. We can only take one day at a time, minute by minute. Have you tried writing? From what I've read, they say that it really helps. Hang in there and know that the people here are so supportive.

Yes, it is the worst pain. Hang in there as it does get more manageable with time.
I wrote this after 9 weeks:
"Just a reminder to myself for later of what the first nine weeks were like. Not to mention being constantly on the edge of tears and prone to crying at at the first hint of niceness from others, or any minor, insignificant thing that for some reason triggers a memory, thought of M or realisation of yet another thing that we won't get to do together.
For me it has been a constant, soul-deep sorrow accompanied by
frequent crying, inability to concentrate, constant tiredness/
exhaustion, physical pain (sometimes it feels like I'm actually being stabbed in the heart, inability to breathe, headaches, nausea), loss of appetite , ravenous hunger, chronic forgetfulness (I've taken to writing everything down), fear and panic in the early days (locking doors, taking things with me inmcase someone broke in and stole them),
extreme mood swings minute to minute, hopelessness, despair, hope, doubting my faith, taking comfort in faith, wanting to be alone,
deep loneliness, irritation when people don't mention Him, irritation
when they do, breaking down at any mention of him, not caring about anything, not wanting to get out of bed, having some days when I can cope and 'power through' the tough things, etc etc. But after nine weeks I am having some OK days."
At 6 months I wrote:
" For me it is a bit like the seasons. The first three months were the hardest of winters with some extra storms thrown in. All I could do was hold on and hope it would be over. I had no energy or strength or headspace left for anything else. No interest in reading (other than to learn about this new world), people, work, church, God, health, our dogs. My focus was on me, M, what we'd had, what I'd lost. Every day was a grey slog, with tears and paperwork and horror thrown in.
The past three months have been more like those days at the end of the winter. Spring hasn't arrived but might be on its way and the harshest of storms seem to have taken a break (or at least come less frequently). I am functioning better, my brain is working more like it used to, I can accomplish more in a day without being exhausted, but am still so tired by the end of the week. The soul deep weeping is less and the periods of utter dismay (how can this be, how can he be gone, I want my/our life back) are fewer with longer periods between. There is still a constant underlying grief but most days manageable. I can laugh and do my job (mostly) and fulfil church and other commitments (mostly) but it is brittle and fragile and tears are always near the surface and triggered by the simplest and most unlikely things.
My first boss used to say "What is the worst that can happen? Imagine that and then if you can cope with that you'll be fine". It helped me through so many crises and stood me in good stead over 35 years but this ... this was beyond my imagining and is the worst of the worst of the worst. But I am getting back up and building a new, different me - a new mosaic from the shattered fragments.
I have been blessed by the love and caring of friends old and new, including a number who would not have come into my life otherwise. I am starting new, deeper, more profound friendships - unexpected and lovely. I have been a bit hurt by the absence of others I would have expected to be close but have become, I think, more accepting and understanding of others (which is definitely a good thing); I care far less about the little things. I am so grateful for what I had and have. For now, that is enough for me and I am content.
Joy? Not yet and it will be a lovely surprise if it happens any time soon. But I am hopeful as I hadn't expected any of the other 'senses' to return or appear and they have. I believe it will come in time but do so miss that underlying, everyday, sense of joy and "all's right with the world" that I had with my husband."
Now, it's been 11 months - still no real joy, but I've had a few days without tears, and shorter periods of absolute griefwave. Memories are now much more comfort than pain, bringing smiles rather than tears.
I wish you well. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Sandy

Sandy--Thank you for posting your experiences. I am still early in my grief--7 weeks, and see hope in your posting.

Diamarrow--We are in the same boat. I lost my wife 50 days ago. The bravest thing I have ever done in my life is: living now.

Tiger

Ditto Sandy. Thanks for sharing and expression of this grief journey. I couldn't have said it better, as I am walking the same time line . . coming up on a year.

Diamorrow . . . I'm so sorry for your recent loss. It's a nightmare and feels like the Twilight Zone on steroids in the beginning. It will get easier with time and your sorrow will ease bit by bit. Don't expect too much right now other than taking care of self and getting through "today". One day at a time . . . this too shall pass. Sending you much love and healing thoughts. xo, Dayna

SandyV1 thank you ever so much for your post. At 7 weeks it is still so hard to just live each day, alone with memories. I tell myself it will get better. I even search my thoughts and how I react each day to see if I am a little better. "Yesterday I didn't cry as much or as often as the day before..I must be getting better" LOL
All I need is to know that it will get better, that a day will come where the thought of Ray will bring a smile to my face not tears to my eyes..
I miss him so-so much!!!

I'm sorry for your loss D. It is hard to believe how bad it is, hard to go on and hard to believe it will get better. You are taking some bold steps with your support groups and counseling, that's hard too and I think you are very brave. Hug, hug, hug.
Jean

I'm exactly where you are... Last Thursday was 1 month.

It's eating me, alive.

OMG Sandy....I could have written those same words and feelings. Everything is so similar. I want to feel that hope and see that tiny light at the end of this long, painful journey.

My granddaughter just called and she passed her state boards this morning and I just lost it because I could not share it with him. And his 70th birthday is coming next Sunday....would have been such a milestone in his life, but he is gone......today is just a bittersweet day.

for me it has been 2 years and 1 month. I can't even remember the 1 month mark. I was still numb, raw. In fact, I was a complete mess for at least a year you hang in there and take care of yourself. This journey has just begun. It is hard and long. But you will survive. My best to you... hugs... Sandee

Everyday is bittersweet for me...so much hope for our future and now I have an empty house..well 5 not so well behaved dogs. I am just hoping that I will wake and feel better but I look around at all his things and just lose it again. And I cant part with them yet....he is not coming back so why cant I let them go???

Because you are not ready to let them go......I have not and may never do so.

diamarrow. I said that for a long time. He is gone, not coming back. I kept feeling like I was waiting for something. Was I trying to convince myself? Yes....It takes a while to realize that.

I wish I had a fast forward button for you. The first couple of months are just so hard. It does get better, it just takes way too much time. Meanwhile, one step, one day at a time.

Hugs,

Val

diamorrow, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so terrible. Sandy expressed so eloquently what the first few months are like. I'm at 8 mos and feel like I could have written much of what she sad. Sadly for me, it got worse before it got easier. The initial numbness wears off and the full extent of the loss starts to sink in, right where you are now. Gut wrenching sobs the like of which I've never experienced before were common. On my worst days Ativan helped calm the savage beast. Sessions with my counselor helped even though I cried for most of the time. Slowly I believe I am coming out of the darkness. The ache is more of a dull pain. The tears are less frequent. I'm a little nervous that I will soon have to face his birthday, our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death all within a month or so of each other but I'm trying not to fixate on that. As the others have said, all you can do is focus on one day at a time. Be gentle on yourself. Cry, scream, throw something if it helps, but above all, let it out. It's normal. Hugs to you. Liz

I am with the others on the ditto what Sandy said..I am glad you are here though...it took me almost 2 years to join any kind of support other than family and friends and I see now how important it is to be around others who really understand this loss we all have. Sending you a big hug