Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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One Day At A Time

shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17

I'm up, it's almost 11 A.M., and I am still trying to make coffee.  It does help to push the button on the Keurig.  My routine is about the same every day now (in this 11th month milestone).  I look around my new place and remember.  I mentally make a "to do" list for the day, knowing that very little will get crossed off.  What I need to do is make an appointment with the mortuary to discuss further details for the headstone.  This is a hard thing for me to deal with, and family members are not willing to particiapate.  They will probably criticize it after the fact.  Anyway, I will eat breakfast (something with my coffee), go through my morning routine, and then decide what I want to do.  First it is paying rent on my duplex and two storage units.  After that it's pick and choose.  It just feels like I am marking off time.  There are a thousand things needing to be done, but I refuse to eat the whole elephant in one day.  Last night a friend and I put up a "shared" Christmas tree in her living room.  She didn't have any money, so I bought the tree.  So yes, go a little crazy; it's perfectly okay.  I also buy a lot of books and read about other people's lives (fictional mostly), and that keeps my mind from digressing.  I bought a couple "widow" books, and they did not help.  I pray that God will eventually send me another husband, but if He waits too long, I might end up with an "old boy."  A little romance about right now might do me a world of good, even if it was a friendship type thing LOL.  I would almost pay someone for a good 15 minute conversation.  I know we aren't supposed to project ourselves as needy, but you guys understand, don't you?  We got the rugs pulled out from under us, so why do we care what those people think?  They can take a hike, as my late husband would say. To clarify, though, I am not propositioning on here.  Just sayin'...

pahatfi
pahatfi
I know the feeling of a list of things to do, and they still aren't done. I need to get a valuation of a trailer to go through probate, still waiting on a call back from the dealer on that. I need to clean out a corner desk so I can sell it. clear off a dinning room table so I can sell it. it will be 4 months for me on the 10th I still cry at times
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
So sorry for your loss. I haven't gotten much done today, but it's okay. Going through all the stuff can be maddening! Dennis was a locksmith, book publisher, and handyman - in addition to working in retail at a hardware store. He also taught Bible College. We ran two small businesses from our home, so you can imagine all the office equipment, etc. I usually try to get out of the house in the evenings; those are the hardest.
countrylive
countrylive
This is my 11th month as well, still in our home... no intentions of leaving... I do not drink coffee.. but her Keurig is still on the counter. . not been used since she left. My family has been supportive.. and have not had much criticism.. I built a second house in the backyard for her mother... I still need to take care of her. She turns 91 in February. .. I have gone a bit crazy also.. bought a baler to make miniature hay and straw bales for seasonal decorations.. It will take a while to recoup the investment.. it was an expensive design build.. It kept me busy.. my granddaughters of 5 and 7 waited for me daily to take them to the straw field so they could load the 12lb bales like I did 75lb bales when I was younger. Then at night, I dream of Judi so vividly that waking is painful.
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
(In response to Countrylive): Well, he drew his last breath in my living room, with only me there. It was graphic! That is why I moved; well, there were other reasons too. My project right now is emptying out a couple storage buildings - to save money. I no longer have dreams about him, and to me they were more like nightmares! Sounds like you are a farmer? Funny, I am reading a book titled "Carrie's Farm" by a local author. She got locked in a silo and a good looking man rescued her. I guess I inherited my late husband's sense of humor; it beats bawling my eyes out. I had one brother-in-law blame me for the cancer; he threatened to come down from Cali and work me over. Yet he never even came to visit. I have never met the man and don't want to. Good riddance to the out laws except maybe his twin sister. I hope things get better, and you might try the coffee with a good flavored creamer. It's my morning "fix."
countrylive
countrylive
shewearsblack17...response ..not really a farmer... well maybe a little... A CFO by trade for a Public Works Construction Co. ... working my way up with caramel mocas. We were planning on retiring together.. so I started training my replacement....on that path still... retired with my love for her still solid and no one to share retirement with.. lost my mom the year before... I should have more time to spend with Dad fishing.. he suffers the same.
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
Yeah, that is what is so ironic. Actually, before he got so sick, he was seemingly pretty healthy, and he originally planned to work till he was 70. So he makes it to age 66, and it's downhill fast from there. It seemed we had just worked out most of the kinks in our marriage, paid off most of his late wife's credit card debt and her hospital bills, etc. You know...just wanting to spend some quality time together- nothing specific, just be together. I was a "mail order" bride, sort of, although I don't recommend that to everyone. I knew OF him, and we had mutual friends. Of course both my parents have been gone for years, and I have also lost two brothers and a sister - one brother on Christmas Day 2013. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I definitely know what it's like to lose a spouse. I miss helping him work on the books, and I wish I had gone with him more on handyman jobs. You just don't expect these things will happen to you (just other people), so you don't prepare. Oh, and I just now got it about the caramel mocas LOL. Yes, take Dad fishing, by all means. Do you have a good relationship with him? I wish I was closer to my grand kids, but everyone is scattered out. What to do...
countrylive
countrylive
Dad and I have similar experience. He lost mom 2 years ago, I lost Judi 11 months ago.. Both of us had to make a call to remove life support... it haunts us both...something i would never wish upon anyone.. we live just a few miles apart and share a lot of the same interests... Judi was 64, Mom was 74, We are both independent but do get together at Holidays and to go fishing or special events. My 2 daughters live close.. one daughter across the street with 3 grandkids... across the street in country living is about a mile away. I keep plenty busy.. they all see to that. i sure appreciate my family close... can't imagine what it would be like without them.
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
Good morning! I did not have him on life support, but I would not give you a dime for Hospice. Anyway, after the doctors got through cutting on him and radiating him, they said there was no more they could do. It was right there at the end that I requested a DNR; he said he did not want his ribs broken. He was skin and bones by then, plus we had to consider the spinal column surgery he had done. I think paralysis had set in as well. They said he would have been a paraplegic without the surgery. And God knows what kind of pain he was in. I do wish I had loaded him up on the morphine that morning, but I was in denial that he was on his way out. I carry guilt because when it was only bladder cancer, the docs wanted him to have his bladder, prostate, and lymph nodes removed, and I really didn't think he would have survived all that! Plus he went into remission for a while. My oldest son lives about a fourth of a mile from me. He used to live with us, but I was having to take care of him more than he was helping me. My other two sons live over 2500 miles away. Then I have a stepson who is moving back here to this area with his family. Add to that two stepdaughters. Yes, you are fortunate, and as I said before, I very well might be moving next summer - just not quite sure where. I am only a little younger than Judi was. One never knows. So you like living in the country, huh? My brother has his own little country paradise, but I prefer small towns, or at least medium size.
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
No, I thought at first you were saying in a previous reply that you were working your way up the corporate ladder with caramel mochas. (I think there is an "h" in there, but it's probably not in the dictionary. I have done a little book editing, so I caught it.) I probably should get my juicer unpacked and start juicing again. I don't eat healthy enough right now, but I don't even want to cook...