Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Anyone see that old Bette Davis movie called Now Voyager? It's one of my favorite films. Up until now, it was just that--a film I watched over and over again. Until today. That's when I realized that I'm the Bette Davis character, living at home with an overbearing parent. Like her, I've become victim to various methods used to control her.
It seemed like yesterday that my whole life was near perfect. I had a husband, step-daughter, and two grandkids. Now, my life is bleak and I haven't officially moved in yet.
It's not that my dad is a bad person. He just has his ways. He's from a generation that believed women had little say in things. And I'm from a generation that had no limits. You can't just merge those two styles together without someone feeling horrible. In this case, it's me. I'm sacrifising myself and know it. I'm not thinking clearly, just want to get out at all cost.
I've come to this conclusion: it's not gonna work. It doesn't matter how hard I work at it. How much I want to help my dad. How much my christian ethics tell me to keep trying. I don't want to be that Bette Davis character in the movie.
Instead, I picture myself in a small apartment where I can come and go as I please. Where I can put something on the counter if I want. Where I can just sit and have a cup of tea and leave the world to itself. Simply put, or as Greta Garbo would say, I want to be alone.
Now, my problem is I just don't know how to do it. You see, I'm the responsible one. And there's only me.
My father had foot surgery. Before he went in for the surgery, I asked for information about what he may or may not need after the surgery. I needed to arrange time off from work and I had to let my boss know how much. A day before the surgery, I still didn't know where the operation was suppose to take place. I still didn't know the name of the doctor. i still didn't know the care he needed after surgery. I was told it was a minor bunion surgery.
Finally, the night of the surgery, I was told the name of the doctor and the place the surgery was suppose to take place. I was also told not to ask the doctor any questions.
After the surgery, the doctor told me that my father would need help around the house. That I would need to stay with him. That my father had let his foot get so bad that another surgery may be needed. I ended up calling my boss to ask for vacation time. He did not appreciate the late notice as a week notice is required. Still, he gave me the time.
I moved in with my father. I was told not to go with him for his follow-up visit. I didn't go. My father came home and told me that his foot may need to be amputated or at least some toes. He also said that he needed to stay on the medication and that his doctor had called in the prescription. After a few days, I called the doctor who refused to talk to me. I finally asked the nurse to tell her that I at least needed to know if the medication should be continued. She asked and told me that I nothing had been called in and to continue the medication as originally ordered. I asked about the foot amputation. The doctor told her that his foot is fine.
What do I make of this? Is he not understanding or trying to manupulate me.?
What a mess. He's 82 and I can't help him because he won't let me. I don't know how to walk away.
Not feeling too good today.
It seemed like yesterday that my whole life was near perfect. I had a husband, step-daughter, and two grandkids. Now, my life is bleak and I haven't officially moved in yet.
It's not that my dad is a bad person. He just has his ways. He's from a generation that believed women had little say in things. And I'm from a generation that had no limits. You can't just merge those two styles together without someone feeling horrible. In this case, it's me. I'm sacrifising myself and know it. I'm not thinking clearly, just want to get out at all cost.
I've come to this conclusion: it's not gonna work. It doesn't matter how hard I work at it. How much I want to help my dad. How much my christian ethics tell me to keep trying. I don't want to be that Bette Davis character in the movie.
Instead, I picture myself in a small apartment where I can come and go as I please. Where I can put something on the counter if I want. Where I can just sit and have a cup of tea and leave the world to itself. Simply put, or as Greta Garbo would say, I want to be alone.
Now, my problem is I just don't know how to do it. You see, I'm the responsible one. And there's only me.
My father had foot surgery. Before he went in for the surgery, I asked for information about what he may or may not need after the surgery. I needed to arrange time off from work and I had to let my boss know how much. A day before the surgery, I still didn't know where the operation was suppose to take place. I still didn't know the name of the doctor. i still didn't know the care he needed after surgery. I was told it was a minor bunion surgery.
Finally, the night of the surgery, I was told the name of the doctor and the place the surgery was suppose to take place. I was also told not to ask the doctor any questions.
After the surgery, the doctor told me that my father would need help around the house. That I would need to stay with him. That my father had let his foot get so bad that another surgery may be needed. I ended up calling my boss to ask for vacation time. He did not appreciate the late notice as a week notice is required. Still, he gave me the time.
I moved in with my father. I was told not to go with him for his follow-up visit. I didn't go. My father came home and told me that his foot may need to be amputated or at least some toes. He also said that he needed to stay on the medication and that his doctor had called in the prescription. After a few days, I called the doctor who refused to talk to me. I finally asked the nurse to tell her that I at least needed to know if the medication should be continued. She asked and told me that I nothing had been called in and to continue the medication as originally ordered. I asked about the foot amputation. The doctor told her that his foot is fine.
What do I make of this? Is he not understanding or trying to manupulate me.?
What a mess. He's 82 and I can't help him because he won't let me. I don't know how to walk away.
Not feeling too good today.
Here's what happened with us. My mom fell and had to have a skin graft on her leg, which kept her hospitalized for several weeks, followed by rehab. We were thinking the possibility was that she wasn't going to be able to be home in her house alone anymore so we started talking about options (moving in with one of us, assisted living). But she insisted on going home. Two of my siblings said they could not help and if she needed that much help, she should be in a nursing home, so it fell on my sister and me. We started out taking turns staying overnight so she wasn't alone. Okay, fine, inconvenient, but it had to be done. Plus it was only "temporary". Well, my mother when she was with me, was fine. Walked fine, got around fine, etc. BUT, when my sister stayed, my mother was an invalid. Once we started comparing notes, we realized what she was doing. She was loving all the attention and all the company, so the longer she was sick, the longer it would continue.
You may need to put your foot down with your dad. Tell him that if he can't be there alone, he is either going to have to live by your rules or may face the possibility of assisted living. You should also make sure that you get an advance directive and durable power of attorney so that you can talk to his doctors without issues. Just give them a copy and it shows them you have the legal right to know (HIPPA laws prohibit them from talking to you otherwise).
I hope I'm explaining this right, but basically the children become the parent as they get older. As much as the parent doesn't like it, it's just how it is. Make sense? I wish you the best, it is not easy.
So now, how do I tell if he's having mental problems or the same old same old? How can I leave him alone? And by the way, he appears very normal if you talk to him. No judge would say that he is mentally unfit. Not unless he moves in with him.
I am an only child and was raised by my grandparents. I was responsible for aged, ill, divorced parents in different cities who were ill at the same time. I ended up having to retire earlier than anticipated in order to handle the situation. My mother lived with me for 15 yrs. (after the death of my grandmother) until the doctor said she needed to be in a nursing home. My father lived out of town and I had sitters for him and I shared my time between the two. As he had started with dymentia(sp), we were exploring a nursing home for him when he passed away suddenly. They both passed away 2 months to the day from each other.
I was so stressed at one point I sought counseling. We had had big cutbacks at work and I was having difficulty taking off for my parents. I was also bringing work home a lot during the week and on weekends. Just didn't have anyone to cover for me unless they were brought in from out of town. What a mess. Anyway, counseling did help me get things in perspective.
I know how difficult this can be and the obligation you feel. But we need to take care of ourselves too. I must mention that right after their deaths I was diagnosed with several health problems and I believe the tremendous stress I was under certainly contributed to this.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
I guess I did the 'tough love' routine. I've lost my husband, who was not honest with me about medical things, and I don't plan on reliving that helplessness ever again. I told my dad if he wanted me to drive him, and take care of him, then I would get the information, period. So far since Dec., he's had skin cancer surgery, cataract surgery, every test known to mankind from head to toe, etc., and I'm in the front row. When he becomes testy or tells tales, I ignore him and he gets the message and sometimes, I give it right back to him. I don't think he intentionally told me lies, I think he himself did not understand or comprehend what doctors were saying. If my dad did not have me to care for him at home, he would most likely go to a rehab home or nursing home. The same might happen to your dad. You have to take care of yourself and not jeopardize your job or well-being. Tell the doctors the situation ahead of time. Keep a record/date of those small dementia behaviors or items you're noticing.
You're right in that others won't notice them if they don't spend alot of time with him. I noticed my dad was having memory problems and word retrieval problems as well as balance issues. Although difficult right now, I think in the future, you will see that you did what was needed. I think alot of people regret not helping their parents because it was not "convenient" for them. You won't be one of them.
You can get respite care so you'll have a break - it's so wise and true to remember that the caregiver has to take care of herself or she will have nothing left to give.
You probably need to set out some ground rules for him - he's going to be a bit more passive and less authoritarian being older and sicker, and you will have a bit more power than in the past. You need your space, your autonomy, not to become just his slave and lose your own identity. He will have to respect that.
I really feel for you in this role. All the best to you.
Hugs, Gail
First, hard facts for your father. He is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for him. Raising you was not a downpayment for years of servitude at some time in the future. If he is competent(?), he has an obligation to all his resources and the services he has access to in order to take care of himself. He does NOT have the right to drain you of all your resources and energy before he uses he own. Saving his assets for an inheritance does you no good if your health is destroyed. Google statitics on caregivers dying before the care receivers.
If your father refuses to seek help he has the ability to pay for, then step back, move out and let him bear the responsibility for his decisions. Social services take the position that as long as a person is able to make decisions (even bad ones) they cannot intervene on the person's behalf. Only when the decisions become life threatening, can social and legal services step in.
If your father has few assets, then there are public services available. If it is determined that he is unsafe in his home, then placement will be necessary.
You do not have to walk away nor do you have to destroy yourself taking care of him. Based on you letter, he is definitely manipulating you with another hundred pound sack of guilt. You can set the terms for helping him and more importantly the limits of what you will do. Put the terms and limits in writing and have him agree to them. If he doesn't agree, back up, watch him and when he gets into trouble (and he will) call social services give them the information you have. They will intervene and place him in a care facility and it WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT. Cut out and frame this last sentence.