Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Not too sure what I feel!

jimdeb84
jimdeb84
I am about 3 1/2 months into this grieving thing. I spent the first month or so crying, every day, all day. then I moved into sleeping all the time. My husband was battling cancer for almost 2 years before he passed. He was my primary concern so my house suffered. But I could not even force myself to clean the house. Finally, I am moving into the "stage" of trying to take care of things. Still very hard. My issue now is my loved ones. My family and friends that I know care about me. I know they have been very worried and stayed in contact with me as much as I would let them. I was able to move forward enough to box up some of Jim's clothes. clear the closet a bit. The clothes are boxed, but not removed. I promised myself I would not run through all of his stuff and get rid of it until I felt I was ready to do that. My family seems happy that I am attempting to move forward. Now my problem is, I hear all the time. "When you are ready to get rid of Jim's _______, let me know. I would like to have something of his". the Blank could be anything from his motorcycle, to his tools to any other possession. REALLY!!!!
First of all if feels like I am being rushed to removed his belongings. Second, do they really feel like when I do come to the point of being ABLE to let go of some of his possessions, do they honestly believe I want it close enough that I can see it or hear about it every time it is mentioned? I think NOT. If I have to let it go, I want it GONE. I know, probably a little selfish on my part.
And lastly, I think. How Rude! The love of my life, that I spent the last 30 some years building up, is GONE! I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and I feel like I have vultures flitting around trying to get something for nothing. I am not now nor have I ever been a "rich" person monetarily. I lost my job in August because.......well I am not real sure why I lost my job. But I used the next few months to take care of Jim 24/7 Now I am using my time trying to get me together enough to look for another job. (I have managed a few interviews that have gone well, But no actual job offer yet) So when I have to sell his possessions, it will most probably be because I need the money to survive. I did get a small policy when I lost him and that has been keeping me in my home and taking care of necessities. I don't want to give it away and then wind up without enough money to live on. Lets be honest, I have always thought of a memento as something small to remember a person by. Not a motorcycle or a truck or a trailer or thousands of dollars of tools.
I have always been a person to see the positive in everything. I am just not finding that right now. I don't know if that is part of the grief or if I have lived my entire life with rose colored glasses on?

Not to worry, as with most of us, the very first word I learned as a child was "NO" so that is not my issue. I worry, when I am ready whom do I trust for advise of things like reasonable prices when I am ready to or more likely required to sell some of his stuff?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Honestly, you should think about selling the "stuff" you don't need or want sooner than later. Once you do become in need of money you will become desperate and will be selling it for far less than it's worth. And, you don't want to do that! This I know from experience.

That said, you need to have a fairly clear head and you should not feel rushed. You need someone to be with you so that anyone who is coming to look at his stuff knows that you are NOT alone!

The folks who are circling the wagons for handouts should be told to "back-off!" They need to know that you will need the money from the sale of these items to live on. Be brutally honest with them. They'll soon back away and the folks who really care about you will stay!!!

Whenever you decide to start selling his belongings, make sure that you are not feeling rushed. Make the best decision for YOU!

I wish you luck,
Roz
mixaha
mixaha
I too got the 'when you are ready, could we have....' .. it affected our relationship and we did not communicate much after that... I now regret that as I found that they really do not have a clue how these requests hurt us ( and will not until it happens to them ) it has been almost 3 years for me now and communication is being restored.... unfortunately, after another loss brought it all home to me. I hope this makes sense.... Just take care of yourself and know that you are loved ... incidentally I still have not gotten rid of much of her 'stuff' , she always thought i was a hoarder but i found out she was secretly one too :) she was just better at hiding it than me....

Take Care
marthaparrish
marthaparrish
Oh my, I would be offended if people were after your husband's posessions that are valuable. I made a box with my husband's personal jewelry, etc., --my sons and Grandson can pick any items they want as momentos. These items are only valuable to our family because they were John's. I hope you make your own decisions about things. You will know what is right for you. Jean
ajm1959
ajm1959
I was very lucky on "value" items. Before my husband died, I took a notepad and pen and asked him what was this worth and what was that worth. I haven't sold anything yet, but he had a lot of construction equipment, trailers and tools. Everyone seems to want the water trailer in California. At least I know the value (at least the value as of August 2015). IF your ready to sell or think about selling you may want to check ebay out for prices. They have a lot of items and at least you can get an idea the value. I too have already arranged a neighbor to be there IF I decide to sell to "act" like my brother living with me. Craigslist people can be strange and you don't want them looking over other items thinking you are alone. hugs Arlene
eighty8
eighty8
I agree with all the posts above, that you should sell sooner than later. while you are still in a financial comfort zone...with tools, and motorcycles (ESPECIALLY if it's a Harley, which does not depreciate as rapidly as other brands), don't sell yourself short...if you have what somebody needs, chances are good you'll get your ask-price.
If you use Craigslist, use caution...everything I sold was "CASH-ONLY' "ABSOLUTELY-NO-CHECKS' in big letters just like that on every listing...I only listed it in the Akron-Canton area, but I was getting texts from weird area codes...you can type in the area code on google and it'll tell you where it is from...I was getting Massachusetts, Vermont, Wisconsin...they want to give you a check, and they want you to text back your full name and complete address so "they can process the check"...the grammar they use is a combination of someone from some communist country who has been speaking English for about four days, and somebody who is obviously not telling you everything...those calls scream RIP-OFF in bright lights...The last one of those I got, I told him if he texts me again, I was going to forward his texts and phone # to the Attorney General of the State of Ohio...that was about two weeks ago, and that was the last one of those I got.
You think the guy was allergic to Attorneys General?
junlu
junlu
I share your feeling, for me it only has been five weeks since her passing and I had family ask me about her car, I keep telling them is neither for sale or to be giving away. I enjoy driving it, and it brings back memories of the long trips we used to take.

Please make sure you get what the items are worth, maybe using ebay to compare with other similar items that are being sold.

Good Luck
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
Dear jimdeb, I believe that its in your perfect tiiming, I would however support the fact, that rather than giving things away, you would stand to be better able to take care of yourself, I know, I made the mistake, of giving a 5,,0000 truck to an inlaw, and lots of other things, and I do ffeel a bit taken advantage of, but it's ok. It's on them not me. Don't do anything for atleast a year, then just take it one thing at a time, and decide what if anything, you want to keep, then perhaps have a quilt made out off his clothes etc.. I wish you the best. Much love and big hugs carla
scottito
scottito
Hi Deb, I'm really sorry you're husband had to go, but I know first hand that it wouldn't be love but selfishness if staying longer meant any more suffering for them. Seems there are many of us here that lost our spouse because of that evil cancer, and seems most of us were their caregivers as well. I didn't realize it at the time, but I am now beginning to realize that my 4 months of caring for Juani were as hard, if not harder on me, than her death itself. It is amazing what all of us were able to endure without even comprehending what we were going through at the time. I'm sorry you lost your job, but you were so fortunate not to have to continue juggling a job ontop of what you had to deal with leading to his death. I can only speak for myself, but all of it devastated me beyond description. Just know that we are all here for you.

As for people asking for things, well let's see, the first week my stepdaughter wanted to return the clothes she bought her mom so she could get store credit -- absolutely not. Juani always gave her things away to those in need. Then the same week, one of Juani's sisters said she had told her she could have her Coach purses (about 15 of them) to sell on Ebay. Juani never mentioned that to me, and she was specific with me the week or so before she died, and again, No one was going to make money off my wife's things. I was livid about each of those incidents. Greed. Pure and simple. I'd have rather burned the stuff than let someone make money on something that could help the down and outs in this world. But that is just me. You do what you can when you can -- you've got a lot of good advice already from other replies to your post. I'm sorry to tell you this Deb, but it is most likely going to get lots worse for you before it gets better, but it will get better.

Time and lots of it seems to be the common denominator in the healing of our broken hearts. Just know, you will survive, and I believe we will be stronger than before. ~~~ Scottie
tim57
tim57
I'm with Scottie. After my wife's funeral my step daughter and her boy friend at the time was over and he made the comment to her about getting her mother's purse. And my step daughter made the comment about finally getting a piece of huge quartz I had given my wife from a trip I was on and brought back home. I realize they weren't thinking and I replied it will be a while before I turn loose anything of hers.
Like Scott I know my wife would want her things donated to a local church that actually does God's work and helps those in need. We had gone to them several times over the years during tough times and it would be very appropriate to give back.
I believe your husband would want you to use his things to support yourself if needed when your ready to part with them, just like he did while he was here. It would be like he was still here taking care of you.
I never liked vultures and want allow them around me.
Peace, Tim
jimdeb84
jimdeb84
Thank you all for the comments. I feel in my heart, very deeply, that the folks that are asking about Jim's "stuff" are not trying to be vicious. The just don't understand the feelings I am going through or the lack of respect I feel these comments emit. This is such an unknown road, even for those of us forced to walk it. I don't think these folks have a clue. I know I was clueless prior to loosing Jim. Not that I am much less clueless now.
This is definitely a process, and I am doing my very best to get through. I don't need to alienate anyone during the journey. Even if, in my mind, it would feel so very good to say what is on my mind (which I usually do or did, with ease). Thanks for listening and sharing your advise.
Norske1
Norske1
When Al passed, I quickly sold his snowmobile and the pontoon (we live on a lake). Then I also had friends asking for our second car. One friend thought I would sell the SUV that Al purchased 2 mos. before his death for $24k to their daughter "really cheap" because I didn't need 2 cars. No way...

My neighbor said his son would really like Al's chain saw and router but didn't have any money to pay for it. [Hint, hint]

Neighbors helped me have a garage sale to sell a lot of his tools.I got a lot of "if you want to get rid of that, I'll take it". I donated his clothes to a second-hand store in town. I finally wised up and now with the remaining things, I will keep what I want, and have a garage sale for the rest. If people want [it], they can buy it.

People are so strange - it is like they think they are doing me a favor by taking these things off my hands.
eighty8
eighty8
Norske, we get alot of that...that's why they call 'em vultures, it's like they fly around waiting for somebody to die.
Then they conveniently forget the difference between a "purchase" and a "donation".
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