I;m not sure if I belong here but I was directed by some others...March 26th, I got a text that changed my world... I got a text from the son of someone I loved that he had a stroke. I flew literally across the US to be by his side. Our history is long and complicated, but he wanted to marry me, and he loved me, and I knew he needed me I stayed with him, talking when he could talk, and holding his hand when he couldn't talk. We thought he was going to be ok, until we knew he wasn't. On April 1st, he left us. I held his hand, I kissed his cheek, and he let go of my hand and was gone. My heart aches and nothing makes sense. I have felt grief before, but nothing like this. Nothing like the emptiness that swallows my heart. I go to work, I care for my family and friends, I go to counseling, and nothing seems to phase me. The nightmares, the anxiety, the tears, and the pain.. I know they are all part of the stages of grief, but I feel so alone in this journey. He believed in me when no one else did. How do you begin to believe in yourself? Now I find myself planning his memorial service and I wonder everyday, how I got here and how I go forward. My counselor suggested I connect with others who are grieving and knew what it was like to be a "spouse" even though we never got to officially "marry". I find the idea of making friends right now vulnerable and terrifying, but I'm here and I am hoping other will understand my fears and my grief.