my wife passed on the 13th of jan she was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, we were told she was going to get better and come home....it didnt happen though, i went to work that day because i wanted to be able to take the day off when she came home...they called me at work to tell me she was having problems...i got there as fast as i could but she was gone when i arrived...i now am in hell im here and she is gone..sometimes i honestly believe that i can feel her with me, i dont know if im crazy or if its real...i miss her so much we were so close, she fought breast cancer for 2 years and stayed so positive all the way through it operations chemo..remission then for it only to come back and take her, if i knew for sure i would be with her when i die i would probably kill myself how does one live when there is nothing to live for? i dont want her to be disappointed in me. im so sorry i wasnt there when she passed...i really thought we were going to beat it...so now i get to live in hell because thats what life without her is

papa11,

Brother in need:
We are all very sorry you have had this twist of fate in your life. My Sally passed at 61 about 10 months ago. No warning, just poof and she was gone in her sleep. Its a terrible journey to have to make but we have been dealt no choice. The caring souls here truly know how you feel. I believe everyone here truly belongs here. Why the hell else would you want to read how people are suffering. I did a lot of stupid crap in the first few months of Sallys passing. I'm sharing the following that I have shared with others that I learned the hard way,
Important:
On decisions when you are in the fog which I found remains about 5 to 7 months. I know you did not want to hear that! But after Sally's passing (I went through old papers after Sally's death and decided I did not need my divorce papers from 1981. Then had to get new copies to prove to the Social Security that I was single and could get married to SJ. Put all papers that you find and receive and place them in one place. Everything! Later if you need them you will know where to find them. I couldnt think clearly for at least six months and Im not really sure I can now.
Also if you can't cry learn to do so. I had to teach myself how to cry and sob. Its part of the grieving process and it is very necessary to get through this. I'm 65 and I do not give a crap who I cry in front of. Its not weakness its the necessary human response to the loss of your best friend, buddy, lover and the list goes on and on. Im trying to share information that might help you through this terrible loss. We are all hurting with you because this is the worst event we have ever had in our life young or old. Grief does not care about age. Its a difficult part of life but the loss of a spouse is the most traumatic. We are here for you and please reach out to us! Do not be afraid to express your emotions cuz that is how you will heal. And remember that your special wife would want you to honor her by taking care of you. One cannot accept blame for circumstances that are out of our control and you must not beat your self up emotionally for those issues. You have more than enough issues for a grieving person to shoulder at this time. You must take care of yourself (ie I did not do a very good job of it myself and suffered consequences for it). Crying is a valuable tool and you are no less of a person for leting the bodies natural release happen. There are many sisters and brothers here on DS walking in you shoes and some as recent as you too. We are here to support and not judge you. We all have or are experiencing the very same issues you walk with today. Please be kind to you and remember we are here for any thing yoiu would like to post. Someone here has walked in the same shoes and can share wisdon and caring to support you. Sorry you have experienced great loss in your life but let us help!
Big hugs and emotional support to you from big sky country Montana.
Take care buddy and please take care of you! You are our brother now and we are here for you! Let us help!

Dewman

Thank you for your advice it does make sense I know she wants me to take care of myself and yes I cry and walk around my house talking to her and when I drive as well which I use for therapy. A long drive seems to help for some reason. I have been keeping mail that is great advice. I know I don't hurt more than anyone else...we all suffer extreme pain in times like these...I never understood true misery until now. Thank you for your kind and understanding words

Having those conversations with her (even though one sided) is something I do daily. Sometimes to share something that took place - sometimes just to vent. It has helped me through this process. Many in here have witnessed "signs" of their spouses being close at various times & various ways.

My wife passed due to breast cancer returning just a tad over 3 months ago. I can't say I'm doing everything I should be physically but I'm trying to stay healthy in the midst of this constant pain.

We're all suffering but not hesitant to offer kind words or thoughts to the "new" members of this unfortunate fraternity or those that just want to share their meltdown moments. Hang in there.

My wife was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in April of 2012 and passed in Sept 2012. A little less than 6 months and she was gone. We never for once thought she couldn't beat it. But little did we know. We/I never really planned for her death. We didn't accept that it could happen, but it did. She developed an allergy to the taxol they were giving her in the chemo treatments. She developed a shortness of breath and went in the hospital the middle of August 2012. She was on the regular floor with them testing to see what was happening and when they couldn't determine what it was they did a bronchoscopy and because of that was put on a ventilator. She was on the vent for 27 days, heavily sedated and couldn't communicate. Eventually her kidneys shut down, she started bleeding out of her stomach, even her lungs weren't holding air, it was just passing out through her skin. They weren't sure of the cancer had spread to her lungs or the chemo had caused a fibrosis in her lungs. It didn't really matter, she was dying and we decided to let her pass in peace and removed the vent. She passed in about 20 minutes after the tube was removed. It was and will probably be the hardest thing i have ever done to make that decision. to this day I have flashes of holding her hand and watching her take her last breath. I know how you must feel in not being there for her in her last minutes here on Earth, but she knows you love her. My wife knows too. I feel my wife's presence too. I speak to her every day as well. Not a day, not an hour, not a minute goes by that I don't think of her. I'm sure it's the same for all of us.

God bless our departed and God bless everyone that is left here.

Jeff

These posts are so important and so sad. I feel like I'm still in the very numb phase because my darling husband passed away just three months ago. But reading the detailed accounts of what happened to everyone's loved ones kind of brings it all back to me in vivid pictures. I still feel like it's a very very bad dream and somebody's going to wake me up to tell me it isn't true. Or even more bizarrely, I sometimes imagine that I've lost my mind and am kind of in a break with reality, and that my husband didn't die and I'm just somehow out of my mind for thinking so. Now that I re- read what I've just written I'm thinking I've crossed into an area where I better do more grieving work because I'm way too deep in denial. I'm going to try and find a local group to meet in real life for grieving. This site has been wonderful because I know I'm not alone with my feelings and that they are fairly normal, but maybe I need in-person help also to move through this.

#6 I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you. I felt the the same way that it is just a dream and when I wake up everything will be back to normal. I really felt like I had lost my mind nothing seem real. Felt like I had been to hell and back my husband and I had been married for 32 years. We had 2 kids who both were married and doing very well. We were so excited that this was out time to do the things we enjoyed doing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my husband and would give any thing to have him come back to us. Everyone does things different to get thur this difficult time. But for thing for sure we all suffered a loss of someone that was everything to us.

Lisa: I was in denial for my first year. I thought that one day I would come back home and my husband would be there. That it would all just be a bad dream. Just give yourself time, it is the mind's way of coping with the shock and stress. Please be patient with yourself and kind to yourself, everyone. And try not to let guilt rear its ugly head guilt will suck you down into an unbelievable morass if you let it. I know because I have done it. Mostly just know that you have support and understanding here.
Hugs,
Val