Sounds like those step kids are the ones who haven't tried. If it would make you feel better drop them both a note and say how you feel about them and that you will always be there if they so choose. That way you have said your piece and given one last effort to try to support them in their lives. You've done all you can do.

If they don't respond then you have your answer. Keep the door open as far as YOU want. Its your decision as too what you do if they contact you somewhere down the road. Hugs to you

I agree with LMJ90. Put the burden on them... you have been doing what you can, while grieving, to keep that door open, so let them know it is in their hands now.

Aww - the step kids and the role of a step parent. What a minefield of life experiences. I agree with LMJ90's advice 100%.

When my wife and I married, she had been a single parent with 2 kids for about 10 years. From the time we started dating, the daughter did not approve of me, but I could relate with her younger son. I think they were ages 15 (Daughter) and 13 (Son) at the time we married 30 years ago. I was always ostracized by the daughter. (In 30 years, we never had one single real conversation). Well, our daughter got an Ivy League education, and went to work right away in the corporate world. Through the years, her heart just grew colder and colder - and not just toward me, but with her mom as well. For the past 10 years, while not traveling the world in her high tech job, she lived right here in our same small town telecommuting from her home. Months would go by with not a call or visit from her. Oh, how my wife cried so many times longing for a relationship with her daughter. She broke my Juanita's heart so many times. And when they did talk, our daughter was always combative and argumentative with her - after all, she was "educated" and a "professional".

About a week before Juanita died, she had her "talk" with me. As part of that, she told specifics of what she wanted to go to who. Took all of 2 minutes. When she got done, I realized she hadn't mentioned her daughter, and so I asked, "What about L? Juanita said, "L gets nothing". I knew something had happened, but I didn't ask. I knew it was something Juanita did not want to talk about. When Juanita died, I talked with a few people about it because I didn't know how to handle it when the time came. Oh, I prayed many times over it, Lord don't let me tell L this. Well, she called about a week after death to borrow money from me (probably had at least 4 times our income), and then I had to call several times to get it paid back and in one of those calls she asked what I was going to do with her mom's stuff. I said I was going to give it away to the poor. I could tell she was mad about that. So the next time I called, the daughter said she checked with the store and they said she could return all the clothes she had bought for her mom and get a refund. I stewed on that one. And then I packed everything up and got it out of the house, leaving only a few clothes for the daughter to take. When she came to pay back the money she owed me, she marched straight into the bedroom, saw most everything was gone, and asked what I did with the rest of the clothes? So I told her. She was starting to get mad. In one of the calls we had, I had offered her a portion of a very expensive china set from England she had bought her mom several years before. But what I offered her wasn't good enough. She also wanted the gold rimmed serving bowls too, and went straight for them. I said, No, you can't have those. She asked why not, and I said, Because I said no. Then marched over to her grandmothers tea set, saying her grandmother always said she was her favorite. I knew that was a lie. And again I said, No, you can't have those. Well, like the bulldog she is, she started demanding why not. Would not accept just because I said no. She kept pushing me, demanding I tell her why, and with absolutely no malice or anger in my heart, these words just came out of my mouth: "Because a week before your mom died she told me you get nothing". Hit our daughter like a ton of bricks. She said, Don't you think that is a mean thing to say? I told it was the truth. She teared up, took the few clothes I had left for her, and storming out of the house said, You and X (her brother) can just keep it all. I've never heard from her again, and I think that happened about 3 1/2 months ago. I still pray for her and her family, but I doubt that I will ever see them again. I thank God that I am tight with her son (we have a real son/father relationship in our hearts) - and we see each other at least once a week. And it is so very good.

For what it is worth, as stepparents, we do the best we can. We start out disadvantaged and have to work harder than any other parent to establish relationship. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. It is a very difficult parenting role. My heart goes out to you because I know your love for your step daughter is real, it is true and it is strong - no matter what she does to you. But we can only offer so many times to be there for them, no matter how strong our love is for them. And sometimes, they want us. Sometimes they don't. (Hmmm, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't). We just keep forgiving them in our heart and keeping them in our prayers continually. I hoped something I wrote helped you - I know it did me. God bless you ~ Scott

I would write a very honest letter telling her that you care for her, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to you. I would end it with an invitation to call whenever she is ready. Sharon

We had the will that left everything to me. no kids, step kids etc. Jerry's own daughter never showed to the funeral. I'm still waiting for the hammer to come. It's only been 2.5 weeks but I believe the step-kids aren't done with me yet. But I do have it in writing and everything was put into my name as co-owner or beneficiary. so hoping I'm covered. I've heard stories where step kids will show up weeks later in a uhaul wanting their dads stuff that he had before marriage. I'm just holding my breath right now. - hugs Arlene

I would get out my best stationery and write a deep, heartfelt letter about how much they mean to you and how you want a relationship, but given that this does not seem to be reciprocated, you are backing off. Let your stepkids know that you will always love them and will be there for them if they should change their mind.

Then leave them alone and move on with your life. It's sad, but it doesn't seem like you have a choice.

I agree with those before who replied. You have done much to show them you care. If you chose to contact them again with a heart felt message, then the ball is back in their court. You cannot force them. It may be that they just can't deal at this time, but maybe in the future things will change. You have to take care of you for now. Hugs and Love, Michele

Yesterday I mentioned settling things, and they both immediately wrote back, saying they wanted to know what the Assets are and how much was I thinking of settling for.
Honestly, I dont know.
But at least I do know they do get my texts!!
Its pretty obvious they are interested in what I can give them, but not in having a relationship...

Oh how death affects some people. All about what they will get, what a crying shame. I think you have done everything possible to reconnect with them. But that takes both sides. Time to change your address book. It truly is their loss. You need to think of you. Hugs and Love, Michele

thanks, Michele. I know their Dad would love for us to have a close relationship, and Im trying to honor that. I do love them, having helped raise them for fourteen formative years.
But they are twerps. And their crazy mother has lots of sway in their lives I think.
Who knows what will happen after this is settled...Hugs.

I think you are right--the mother is influencing their behavior. I hope they come around and can think for themselves and can resume a good relationship.

Rogers two boys did the same to me than sued the will. They tried to get me to give them everything when it did not work they got ugly. I spent a lot of $$$ on lawyers but they just got 1/2 of stuff....nothing big.
And I hope to never communicate with their greed again.
You have to come to the realization what would she offer you? Grief and sadness? They never come back and so many families told me of the same stories from step kids. Very sad when you thought they liked you.