I lost my husband just over a year ago on April 6, 2016. I got woken up on April 5th to a sheriffs deputy pounding on my front door and telling me that my husband was in an accident and it didn't look good. I still have nightmares of pounding on my door to where I actually get up and make sure no one is there. I remember just sitting in the hospital next to Nick and praying that this wasn't real, that Nick would wake up and be fine, that I would wake up from this nightmare. I still find myself hoping to wake up. Nick was my best friend. We did almost everything together. We had the relationship that most people dream of. What we would have called our fights, most couples would have called intense discussions and I can only remember about 3-4 of those over our 7 year relationship. There was no shouting, belittling or name calling in our relationship. We both supported each other in everything. We could spend hours just talking. I miss that and the supporting hugs the most. My church, family and friends have been wonderful but it is still so hard. I try to be strong because I know he would want me to be but I constantly feel exhausted because of this. It is also hard with local support groups because I am one of the youngest people. Most people seem to be about 20 years older than me and that makes it hard because I get told constantly, oh hunny, you are young, you'll get married again, you'll find someone else... I just want Nick back. I am also struggling because in January of 2016 I had a miscarriage. So all I can think of most days is that my family is in heaven and I have been left behind. I know that God is taking care of them and that thanks to my Savior I will get to spend eternity with them but that doesn't make each day easier. It just makes them longer. I just feel so alone most days. I am still being active in my church through teaching both an adult discipleship study and the 2nd-3rd grade class on Wednesday nights but I find it hard to put my heart in it. I have seen great blessings come from my loss over the past year including people coming to Christ. There are days that this is the only peace I have because I know Nick would have chose to die if it would bring someone to Christ. My home just feels so empty now. I want to finish the plans we had here but it is hard to see empty rooms that we had planned to raise our children in. I struggle so much at nights when all I have are my thoughts and memories. And no, I am not thinking of doing anything stupid but this emptiness consumes me at times to the point that it hurts to breathe. I pray daily for Jesus to return and this torture to end.