I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. My grief moved me into depression unbeknownst to me and now I've got the crutch of anti-depressants. I'm really doing good now at 22 months since the cancer death of my wife of 30 years, and need to ween myself off the medication, but my fear is sliding back into that dark place that I never want to go back to again. As you know, everything changes once our spouse dies. Like it or not, we are thrust into an unknown new life. All any of us can do is first, go through our grief. And second, try to move forward baby steps at a time when we are able. I've read that it's called the widower's dance. One step forward, and two steps back. I am still here. She is not. And I intend to live whatever life I have left to its fullest. But I've learned to live in the moment, not the past, and not the future. Just for today because that is all any of us are guaranteed. And I intentionally keep my life simple. For example, I've been on a news and media blackout for 22 months now. I don't need to know about things I can do nothing about. My music keeps me centered. You will be okay. It just takes time, time and more time. Be patient with yourself. Work on you. Find what you like, and change what you don't. We all must become comfortable with ourselves, then like, then love ourselves for who we are, not for who we were. ~~~ Scottie

Big hugs to you. You came to right place to vent and express your feeling. I lost my husband almost 5 years now. This place has wonderful people to share your feeling with and had helped me to move forward. My husband passed away overseas so our daughters and I never had the opportunity to hug him or say good bye. Just like you, no material things matter to me. I just wanted to run away from this situation in my heart. Every time I looked at his photos, he looked so much alive still. The worst thing is we didn't know why and how he died. My youngest daughter and I still felt that he hasn't come home from the trip yet. This is the way we dealt with his death for the first 2 years. Reality sinks in with acceptance, I moved forward but every day I still think of him and talked to him. Some days I still feel the heartache. I believe we all, including our spouses, have said and done things or vice versa that annoyed each other. When our loved one moved on, I believe we could tell them how we feel and they will forgive us. Be easy on yourself, take one step at a time.

thank you both. it is hard, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think of him, or talk to him. I just felt like I lost him in such a short bit of time, and can only hope he knows how much I loved him and miss him. After sitting on my porch one day talking to him, I had asked God if he could just send me a sign that he hears my words, and knows how much I love him and miss him. Two days later while at BJ's a woman out of no where came up to me and gave me a hug and told me it was from God. I have to believe somehow, that was my answer. I hope so. There was so much I wished I would have said to him, but at the time, I refused to believe I was losing him. I didn't let it in. I know it takes time, and you are right, I need to get myself into things I enjoy doing. little by little I'm don't that, but not as much as I should. I also don't watch the news for the same reason. I don't need to hear about things that will bring me down and nothing I can do about it. thank you both again,

My goodness, my heart aches for you. It is so similar to my husband's story. Diagnosed in June, passed 6 months later with nothing but appointments and chemo that did nothing. We were on a mission to beat this and never once did we think we might not. 4 long hospital stays when I stayed right by his side in those few short months. 2 weeks before he passed he tried to get on the treadmill convinced that he just needed to build up his strength, then fell at a speed of 1. He was so depressed. I, too didn't have a moment to think about the what ifs and they haunt me daily now. I am slowly starting to feel like I will get through this, but will never understand why no symptoms and he had stage 4 esophageal cancer that spread to his lungs which is what finally took him. I love him so very much, we had 38 years together and then he was gone in a few months. He passed early December, making the holidays a very dark place. I ran away so I didn't have to deal with family and their sorry's. I kept driving until I found myself at the top of Mt. Washington, then just looked over the world and cried. It was so good for my soul and I have found it is a good thing...to run away when things get really hard and just be in the moment with him as I look up to heaven.
I did have to go on antidepressants to help me as I would not have made it through and then I felt guilty because I should be feeling sad. But I need to keep moving so I will stay on them a bit longer. Please reach out for help, sometimes we need little crutch, and that's all it is, a crutch. You will walk without again someday. Sending big hugs.

your story does sound so much like mine. sometimes I think if I was able to accept the inevitable, and let those words "Advanced Stages" sink in, and let me know, I will be losing him, maybe it might have been easier. I don't know for sure, and never will know. I just feel like we needed to talk more, express ourselves more, forgive each other for any pain we may have caused each other over the years, and just show each other how much we do care and love each other. I don't even know if we actually did all that, we may have. It feels like such a blur. and yes so often I feel like just jumping in my car and driving and see where it takes me. I'm trying hard to hold on to what we built together, where all our great memories were made, our home. but I don't know how long I will be able to do it. I love looking out over our property and seeing his talent for making beautiful gardens all for me. I like seeing all he did outside and how well he kept it all up. we always had a beautiful piece of property because of him. I feel all this is a part of him left behind for me to enjoy. I cant lose that.

It is difficult to move on
Give yourself credit for getting up, dressing, eating...
We need to find something positive in our day

Overwhelmed
Unrealized dreams, unanswered questions
Tomorrow will dawn full of possibilities
It's tiny steps...
Life is a changing journey
Keep the faith
jdp