Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have not seen any posts on this group like this so not sure if this is the right place. Please advise if I'm not in the right group. I will try to keep this short... My husband passed away 2 years ago after a 2 year "battle" with Pancreatic Cancer. We were married for almost 35 years and have 2 children (now age 30 and 35). My experience is that I started the grieving process the day he was diagnosed, knowing it is a death sentence, with few treatment options and no cure (Stage 4). I will admit I was relieved when my husband passed away because watching him suffer and wither away was killing me. As a Christian, I believe he is in a better place now. To get through my grief, I read a lot of related blogs, forums and books and I prayed for strength and peace. I kept myself busy working (still work) full-time and running (still run) my farm. I have a wide circle of friends, but most all married, and I hated being the "3rd wheel" and I hated going home to an empty house. After 7 months, I saw an ad on TV for a dating site. I joined, hoping I could meet someone to talk to and hang out with. There were a lot of "weirdo's" who responded. Then I met a man from a nearby town and we met for drinks. We started seeing each other exclusively, and that started a lot of turmoil! Many of my friends and family told me it was too soon to date; others started digging into his past finding all sorts of reasons why I should not date him; rumors were flying! I told all of them that everyone grieves in their own way; I felt I was ready to move on and if it felt wrong, and I would make my own conclusion regarding if I was to continue seeing him, or not. Fast forward... he moved in with me. Now, before you judge... : ) it is working well... I love having him there, we get along great, he helps me around my place, we share expenses. Keep in mind, we have both agreed that if something happens to me, he is out with what he came with. I still work full time so he does a lot of work for me during the day around my farm, running errands for me, etc.Honestly, there is no way I could keep up with all the work alone. Most of my friends who have got to know him are now okay with everything; a couple of friends are no longer in my life because they would not give him a chance and would not accept him. My adult children continue to struggle with the fact that I am with someone else... and I get that. I know they are still grieving and that's ok. Even though I've tried to talk to them, and have told them that I am not trying to replace their dad; I still love their dad and have many great memories, and I still have my meltdowns, but I am determined to move on with my life. You never know what life is going to bring... So, in the past couple of months, I have got into some heated conversations with my son about my partner. My son has not spent much time with the two of us so really doesn't know him and he thinks I can "do better". Today, he brought up a vacation that we booked for next year with a few other couples (whom I consider good friends). I had mentioned inviting my partner's brother and his wife, but we were waiting to see if another couple were going (and then we'd have no room for my partner's brother and siter-in-law). My son brought up the trip (which I never told him about) and said that the group did not want my partner's brother or sister-in-law to go along. First time I heard this! I can think of one person who said something to my son about it and I do not know how to handle it... I feel betrayed that she would share this information with my son, which has, in turn, caused issues with my son and I. This is the same person who had a part in spreading the rumors... I don't know who I can trust to talk to... I am so hurt. How do I handle this? Do I confront my "friend"?
I would first have a conversation with your son , not a confrontation or argument but an honest conversation and ask him what his worries are in regards to your partner.
As bad as it may sound, having your kids have a legal document stating that your partner won't have access to anything if anything happens to you or if you become unable to make important decisions regarding your life , health and finances might let them see that you two are in it for the companionship and need this in your life.
Your kids are adults and it is your life but he moved in where their father had a great part in establishing the family home. A family meeting with someone you can trust to keep things calm may be a good way to clear the air for everyone.
It has been 6 years since my husband past and recently I made a friend that happens to be a male. That's all we are looking for at this point , friendship. My daughter has a hard time with this even though she is a 26 year old. It opens another part of grieving her father and that's something I cannot fix for her. I can however be respectful of her feelings and give her the time she needs to get used to the idea. I am only 54 so the idea of another possible year alone is not one I relish .
Your son should respect that you have a right to your life and should as an adult be able to tell you his fear and worries but to also accept your choices .
Good luck
I wish my son would agree to see a professional counselor to talk to. I am giving both of my kids their space and not trying to push my partner on them in any way, while I continue to give them support and help when they ask.
As far as my friend talking to my son, I am going to ask my two girlfriends who are going on the trip to meet me to talk. I am not sure who has been talking to my son but I am going to ask that they not discuss my relationship with my son. I bet the one I think talked to him denies it, but at least she will know that I am not happy about it.
Good luck with your new friend!
One thing I heard here on DS and experienced is that death has a way of having you rewrite your address book. It's amazing that even years later I receive some backlash and am changing my address book. But for my partner he never thought that would mean family too.
How would he have responded if you had posted something in regards to your late husband? Because there would have nothing wrong with this.
As long as I am writing... here is another question that I'd love to hear your thoughts on... I have my husband's urn on my mantle along with a family photo; also a photo on my refrigerator. My granddaughter, who is now 5, always points out the photo on the frig... "That's Bacca"... "He is in heaven with the angels".... it is so adorable that she remembers him! It's been two years. I bought a plot where I plan to bury him at some point - have not had the extra money to buy a stone and don't feel it is something that needs to be done any time soon. My boyfriend said it is not right to have the urn and photos on display. Thoughts?
What happens with his ashes and pictures is something that only you and your children have a say in IMO. I have a tattoo of my guardian angel representing my husband with his monogram, date of birth and date of passing. I once had someone question this tattoo and asked me what if I met someone else. My answer was "If a grown man is jealous of someone who has passed on, it is that grown man's issues not mine !" .
You have a right to those pictures and your children and grand daughter has a right to see them in your home. He does not get a say . Yes his feelings should be taken in consideration , yes you should be respectful of him but no he does not get to dictate your grieve. Sorry if I am brutally honest. I would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel guilty for having had my husband in my life.. At this point it should be about building a relationship that is base on enhancing each other's life . A different part of your journey on this Earth. This is not about erasing your previous part of the journey . If you had a picture of a diseased parent , would he want you to remove it as well? I can pretty much offer that if you removed those pictures to please him, your son will have that much more of an issue accepting him.
Bottom line is that you have been through a great loss and any relationship from now on should be a more give and take, maturity based , simple not based on drama and stress. I am seeing a friend but do consider my adults feelings . My children will always be my children that will never change, a new relationship for me will never make me chose one over the other. If I put my pictures away one day , it will because I chose to do so on my own with the input from my children. If I have grand kids one day, I want them to be able to ask who the man in the picture is so that I can tell them about their grandpa. My 2 cents for what it's worth.
I would rather stay alone the rest of my life and figure things out for myself financially or otherwise. Life is too short for drama.
The friend that have been seeing is starting to show what are red flags in my opinion and I'm glad I established a friendship and companionship only relationship to start with. I would not this type of behavior for my children , why would I accept it for myself?
I think that with grieving , loneliness is a powerful factor in some of our choices but we can learn from our mistakes and either have honest conversations about the relationship or be strong enough to cut lose what is stressful. That's the beauty of it, we always have a say in our own life.
It is not easy to find a balance with these things. My suggestion would be to have a photo wall that includes photos of you with your new partner as well as the family photos - a sort of "happy times" wall - so that your family understands that he is part of the family now. If you are not ready to forego the shrine set-up for your late husband, then you are probably not really ready for this new relationship.
I know I will get flack for this, but most people find urns of ashes creepy. You're essentially keeping a dead body in your living room, and most people would find that creepy. That might be another reason your new partner is uncomfortable with it, especially if cremation is not part of his culture or beliefs.
If you can afford a vacation, you can probably afford a simple headstone. Maybe it's time to move that forward.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Regarding the vacation... I REALLY need one! It's been years since I have had any sort of get-away and it is not going to cost that much since we are sharing a rental home with friends. My children do not want a "simple" headstone. The one they helped pick out is over $1,500 plus there is the cost of the burial. Maybe I am being selfish taking a vacation vs. buying a headstone and burying my husband, but my plans are made.
Compromising on the urn in my opinion will create new issues with your children. The plan is that when you have the money for the burial , you will proceed and you have shared this with him most likely. Why should you compromise by having a smaller headstone ? What next? And if this relationship fails then what???