Im so sorry for your loss. I am glad you decided to come here to DS. Its an impossible journey if done alone. at some point we all need to find some one or some place to be that understands. I am heading toward my 4th year of loss. its so very hard. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. Its ok to feel like you do. (not that you need permission just that I understand) Your girlfriend knows of your loss I'm sure and its probably hard for her as well. Being the person who comes after loss would be a challenge in its self. One of which I have not experienced. If you feel comfortable maybe you should start a conversation with your girlfriend concerning this. You don't have to go into great detail if you are not comfortable doing so but being a widower is part of who you are and that's not going away. You will forever love your wife and feel the loss. If you feel you would like your girlfriend to go with you to the grave site then maybe that would be a good starting point for your conversation. Like maybe saying "I know we don't talk about this much but I would really like it if you would come with me to my wife's grave site" or if you would rather go alone then start by maybe saying "I know this isn't an easy subject but.... and go from there. The words will come don't worry. I have always told myself that IF I ever found another person to be with they would have to understand that my loss is part of me and that my husband was loved and will always be loved very much by me. Although not by choice we were widowed and that is part of who I am. Any one who comes after loss may not fully understand unless they are a widow/ widower them selves. It is yet another part of grief we must try to integrate into our new chapter post loss. Wishing you peace and strength in what ever you decide.

Matthew19K,

I agree with lmj90, if your relationship with your girlfriend is going to last, she has to understand who you are and you have to be willing to share how you feel. My wife died six months ago and I'm still working on it, but I know that I will eventually hope to find a woman to share my life. I already know that she will have to accept me with my past, just like I will have to accept hers. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I wish you all the best.

You all are brave and optimistic. I lost my soulmate. There will be no other . I'm beyond devastated and fear the loneliness of my future. That being said, who ever you decide to allow in your life , must accept that you loved someone before them and that person and their memories are a part of you. You should feel free to talk about your memories and talk aboutthe love you once had. The new partner should accept this and understand it .

Matthew, I'm sorry that you feel you have to keep it all in. Your girlfriend might well understand if you tell her what you've been keeping to yourself. It's normal for a widowed person, man or woman to bring up their previous spouse. My friend and I visit our cemeteries together. I've helped him choose, arrange and place flowers on her grave. He has helped me with mine. This is a wonderful group and you can visit here any time to express your feelings. We all understand. Dolores

Matthew, My husband of 51 years passed away in February.
Please don’t hide your feelings for the loss of your wife to your new girlfriend. If she cares for you she will respect your feelings.
Praying for you
Judy

Been there, done that. It is NOT easy. I was a widow who married a widower. His previous marriage had suffered a bit of "turbulence," so that was a factor. He promised me he would not compare me and her, but there were times when he did. As far as I know, he only visited her grave site one time after we got married. I didn't tell him he couldn't. We didn't keep pictures of our late spouses on the walls or anything, but we did keep them. I agree that this should be an open topic, but I would also advise you to not go into intimate details, as that would be a definite turn-off. I think about these things again, in consideration of yet another relationship in the future., I don't want to feel like I am second best, but I'm sure this is something I would have to deal with. No easy answers, but think about your heart having different chambers. Maybe one where you have memories of your very first love; another for your late wife; and then a big, bright, sunny room for this new person in your life. It will be up to her to make you feel welcome in HER special room so that you want to spend more and more time there. I hope this makes sense. And don't rush into anything.