Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
i am Steve and my long time male life partner passed in March 09 from cancer. We had an amazing love and life together, which im so grateful for. we had just celebrated our 30th anniversary the prior January to his passing. we were 16 and 19 yrs of age when we fell in love and made our commitments to each other. his passing was such a shock to me, as we knew he had cancer, but he actually passed from liver failure due to the chemo, we thought we had more time. i was certain i wouldnt survive the loss and after the funeral, i settled into our home and waited to die. this was totally out of character for me, prior to MIkes illness, i was always a very positive, can do, uplifting type of person. it took me 3 yrs of grieving and a trip to the emergency room to realize that i was very healthy physically, and probably was going to be here for a longer time than i anticipated. i thought, well, if im going to be here maybe for another 20-30 yrs or more, i better find a way to create some t ype of life for myself. during my 3rd year is when i took all the huge steps of cleaning out my house, and life, of everything that caused me pain and reminded me of my prior life. i could see a picture of mike and i on vacation, a flood of memories would hit me, and i would be in bed for days-weeks. it was so hard for me to breathe without him in my moment by moment life. in my 4th year, i really realized how lonely i was. realized how much i was isolating, pushing most people away, i missed alot of friends and activities i used to do. i finally took the advise of my therapist and joined a couple of groups to meet new people. about 6 months later i met a wonderful guy named Chris. we instantly had a connection, like we had known each other a long time, finished each others thoughts, had the same likes and dislikes in life, and we started to date. as we dated i realized i was developing feelings for him, worrying about him, caring about him, and after dating almost 5 months, chris told me he loved me and wanted me to move in together and share our life together. we have now been together 18 months and he is a wonderful guy. i love him very much. the challenge i have now, is i still miss Mike my former partner so much. i miss the life we had together, the intimacy we shared, we knew everything about each other and loved each other very much. my relationship with CHris is great, fun, we laugh alot, we are good for each other and i dont want to end it, but i feel guilty about my feelings of loss still. i have talked wi th chris about this and he is wonderful, bu t i can tell it hurts him that l am still grieving, so i dont bring it up any more. i keep hoping i will wake up and my grief, missing will change, and i will now feel as safe and intimate and "home" wit h chris as i did with MIke. i worry that i have made a mistake, maybe i wasnt ready yet to involve myself with a new love. how does one really know when they are ready? i would rather cut off an arm than hurt chris, he is such a wonderful man and is so good to me. i once approached t he subject with Chris, saying i didnt know if i had made a mistake and maybe he should move on, and he burst into tears and was so hurt at the idea of breaking up. i dont know why i just cant find peace wit h my loss, let it go and just enjoy and be happy with my new life, be grateful that i now have another wonderful guy that wants a life with me.
Steve, I believe your answer is in the above. Live your life with the man you love, you have been given a blessing.
Hugs
Jen
A couple of things I would like to pass on to you if I may. One is that the best way to get through this is to keep talking to each other. The person you are, that you became, that Chris fell in love with, is the Steve that loved Mike and has mourned him, and also the Steve that has had the courage to live fully to honor that love of Mike. There is no shame in that, and it does not make you somehow "less than" - it just means the conversations are not going to be as simple and straightforward as they were when you and Mike were first together.
Another thing to be aware of is that you had 30 years to get to that completely comfortable kind of relationship. It is going to take time to get to that kind of comfort level with a new relationship. I know because Cliff and I had 30 years, too, and Mark and I are still working on some aspects of that after 4 years of remarriage. You also get the twist that it's love in middle age, which is much more a "eyes wide open" kind of love. It will be intense, scary, and utterly wonderful simply because you're not a kid anymore and you do know what love and loss mean.
You need to wrestle your guilt to the ground and get rid of it. Guilt about being with Chris, guilt about missing Mike - neither of these things serve any useful purpose. It is typical when grieving and when moving into new relationships, but I can tell you it is a complete waste of time and energy. Lose the guilt!!!
Sometimes when I get really stuck, I ask myself 'what would Cliff say about this?' Ask yourself what Mike would say. I am pretty sure he would say that he told you before he died what he wanted you to do. Cliff and I had those conversations when our parents died. I didn't think I could love again, and I had all the same fears you have voiced, but in the end, Cliff had already told me what I should do. And I do believe Cliff chose Mark for me and approved. Your friend may be right about Mike nudging you and Chris together.
I hope this helps a little.
Love and Hugs,
Martha