Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello everyone. I am so happy to find this support group. I lost my husband, Danny, on February 22, 2017, three days shy of his 63rd birthday. He had been battling dementia due to severe concussions (like the football players) for several years and the last two years were severe. He was confined to a long-term care facility for the last year. During that year he lost the ability to control his bladder/bowel, couldn't take care of or feed himself. He forgot his grandkids, then his kids, and finally me. We expected him to pass away eventually, but not a soon as it did, althought it was a blessing for him, he had no quality of life. The facility told me he spent his last day just laughing and laughing, so hard sometimes he had tears in his eyes. He passed away early in the morning in his sleep. I am still trying to process and in a lot of ways not dealing well, and in others it seems like I am almost numb. I don't feel overwhelming grief most of the time and I feel guilty because I don't. I only "lost it" a couple of times, once when I told his dog that Daddy's gone for good (I don't think Bailey understood, but something about telling him just caused me to break down.
My grown children seem to have got over their grief. No one wants to talk to me about him or let me speak what I am going through internally. Simple things remind me of him and then I tear up. I can pretty much keep my days busy, but at night as soon as the lights are out, my mind kicks in and I remember how it was before the dementia started and then how, before we knew what the issue was, he would pick fights over silly stuff and I feel guilty because I feel I was mean to him.
We lost what friends we did have when the dementia made him, among other things, hallucinate and make up crazy stories. I have not heard from any of them. The neighbors haven't even reached out. I lost my job in December--I worked with the people there for over 15 years and when Danny passed I got one tepid text from someone I considered a friend. (I sent her a text, couldn't call her at work, the morning he died telling her he passed, THREE DAYS LATER I received a return text stating "sorry to hear that. let me know if I can do anything") The other people, including my immediate supervisior, ignored his death and didn't even send a card to reach out. We didn't part acrimoniously so I don't understand the lack of support. (These people also knew Danny very well, it was a small, small law firm.) Basically I heard from three of my old friends. That's it, three damn people cared enough to be bothered to contact me. My kids got more friend support from Facebook--that hurts.
I know he loved me, I know I loved him. That should be enough, but I am just so damn lonely without him.
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Today I feel grateful. Grateful for my dog Blue (Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest girl I've ever seen). Grateful I'm still kickin'. Grateful I'm finally taking responsibility for my health. Grateful I own my home. Grateful for good friends and neighbors who watch over me. Grateful to God for His everlasting love and patience with me. Grateful I survived the 10 years since my wife of 30 years...
I could of wrote most of your post, same situation, care home, dementia, his totally loss of dignity. I have one son (33) who seems to be accepting of our loss, and never talks about it or expresses himself, our other son (28) is vocal and has vivid dreams his Dad is still here and gets upset by them, everyone is so different.
I remember in the early days, having such a feeling of peacefulness for him, to finally be free from the retched disease..... But then like you say, our thoughts go back to "what and who they used to be" and we feel robbed. For me I have had to constantly remind myself that... that person was taken long time ago, I can never have him back, I focus on what life for him was like, and it helps me get through those lonely times, knowing he is free of it. I am sure you not only had to recover from loss, but also caregiver burn out, as I did. In many ways I have said goodbye to my old life, old friends, old town. I think we need to remind ourselves, we are here, we have a life to live, most days it works for me. But the missing what we should of had never vacates for long. Be kind to yourself..
I am glad that you found this group. Great thing is that you can sign on any time, day or night, and read others' comments and feel that you are among those who understand and can support you. I am so sorry for the reason you are part of this group but welcome you with open arms. Roxanne
No I will admit that some of it for me is self inflicted - I have withdrawn. I don't want to be social. I don't want to pretend. But there are also all of those people who promised "anything you or your kids need, all you have to do is call". Then they succinctly dropped off the face of the earth.
It's hard to be alone. But it's also hard to put on the "I'm fine" face for everyone all of the time, because the fact that you are not okay makes them very uncomfortable.
I was in my office one day, had been looking through pics on my phone and was crying - a woman in my department walked in and said "you just need to get over yourself ". I told her to come back and talk to me when her husband died.
No one can understand who hasn't been through it; and people are afraid of what they don't understand.
You, like all of us, will do the best you can - as you can - in your own time.
Be as strong as you feel you can be.