I am sorry for your loss. I so understand your feelings toward your house. Mine was his dream house and now it drags me down. I don't think I realized why until I read your post....it is a place where our dreams together died. I am putting myself in a position to make a move, just waiting for the right time. In an emotional state we don't want to do anything quickly and without thinking it all out.
You have come to the right place to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.
Linda

Hello Deborah,

First let me welcome you to DS. I am sorry to meet you in this way but glad you came here. I assume you meant Nov. 2011? That is not too long ago. I can understand your feeling that you are experiencing with your home. I had similar feelings after loosing my husband Nov. 2010. I was told as I am sure you have heard also, "DON'T MAKE ANY IMPORTANT DECISIONS FOR 1YR.". I knew immediately for many reasons I would not be keeping our home we had together. Some of those included financial reasons, but mostly just too hard to walk by every part of the home that had bad memories, particularly where he passed. I do not regret my decision at all. Perhaps in time I would have learned block out the bad memories and replace them with the good ones, but I knew myself better than that. I have since bought a home for myself and although living alone is another hurdle, I know it was the right thing to do. I am not telling you what to do, just letting you know that it is your decision and yours alone. If it makes you more able to deal with the other issues that we all deal with then that is something to consider.

I do know I have read posts from other's however that have stayed in their home as it makes them feel closer to their loved one. I am sorry I hope I am not confusing you more, just wanted to give you mt perspective.

Please accept my sincere sympathy on the passing of your husband. I hope you will find the people here as helpful and sincere as I have.

Hugs to you,

Robin

Welcome, Deborah. I'm sorry for the loss of your Rollie - and to answer your question, I think many of us felt that way. I couldn't, and didn't leave - what I did instead was paint my ass off. And re-arrange furniture, and buy new stuff that was mine. This over a couple of years, but it transformed our space into my space. And yes, some of it was guilt inducing, especially the golden yellow bathroom that Joe would have hated, but I talked him through it in my head. Don't make any sudden decisions just yet. And one more thing - you think of failure? Oh, my dear - I've read your posts in the Alz group and I think you're pretty incredible. Hang in there, Deb - Hugs, Marsha

Hi Deborah, welcome to this special group. I am so very sorry for your great loss. I lost my husband Greg in February of 2011. I just passed one year without him.

When I lost him, I'd felt i lost my entire world. You have my heartfelt and sincere hurting for you, as I know how bad it hurts. Down to your soul hurt, and you think you will never ever be ok let alone function again. I would look at my car at night. I'd stare at it. And I wanted to get in it, and drive. Just drive to ANYWHERE that was not here. I KNEW it had to be better than being here, walking through these rooms, remembering when we did this or that, remembering when there was LIFE inside these walls. A life with love. I wanted out of here with a passion.

I got the advice not to make any decisions for a year, and thought it was crazy. It had to be, because I was in so much pain, and thought If I just get out of here, it'll be ok. I'm glad I didn't. Now I walk through these rooms and still remember this and that. what we did and said, but it really IS with a smile I have now, and knowing how much love was inside these walls instead of what I lost, I now remember what I gained.

I know you hate your house. I HATED mine too. Now it does give me comfort. For some it never happens that way, but for me it did. I'm glad I took the advice, waited, and found I am glad I'm here. I hope it turns out the same for you, if you decide to stay. Only YOU know what is best for you though, and you alone.

Again, I'm so very sorry for your pain, and you loss. You now have many friends who care. My wishes for peace in your heart, and know you are now among friends who understand

Diane

The reason I think of failure is because my home is half residence and half commercial. We wanted to have a little shop here. It is also 100 years old and needs so, so much work. I just don't have the heart to do it like I once did. That's why I see failure.

Hi Deborah, So sorry to hear about your husband, Rollie. Mine will have been gone one year at the end of this month. We were married for 22 years.
I can understand your feelings about your house as I, too, feel the same way at times. Our hopes and dreams were made here and now they're are gone. He made me coffee every single morning up until a few days before he died and as I make the coffee each morning standing in the same spot, more than not I have tears in my eyes. It just makes me miss him so much. My house is on the market and I own another house too but I really don't want to go back to that one either (if this one ever sells) as there are too many memories there too. I just want to go somewhere new and make a fresh start. I have so much anxiety about leaving what's familiar but I think it'll do me a world of good when I do go. (I am still hoping to get rid of my other house too if the real estate market ever gets better!) I hope you can find some peace in all of this. Hugs, Sharry

Reluctant welcome Deborah. I violated the no major moves for a year rule also . Couldn't wait ti get out of there.

Hello Deborah,
I am very sorry of your loss of your husband.

I do know the feeling of wanting to get away, right after my Carmelo passed, I had to move out of our home.

so, I leased it out and came back in a year. I am able to be around everything and it is a comfort now for me to back.

Maybe, you could lease it out and see if leaving is what really you needed to do.

Sometimes running away is not always the answer, the pain still follows you. I found by coming back and facing my fears here, I am now embracing them and in fact I feel Carmelo here so much more then any other place.

I hope you find Peace in what ever you decide to do,
Hugs,
Judy

Hi Deb,

I am so sorry for your loss, sorry for all of it.....and here, there are more wonderful grieving souls who truly KNOW and get it.........hugs, of course.....

Deborah, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Rollie. I hope that you find the care, understanding and support here on DS that I did.
I went through the same thing with not wanting to be in my house as it had so many memories and I hated to be here alone. I am 9 months now and don't have the hate anymore but it is still terribly lonely.
Only you will know what is right for you..............
Wishing you some peace and healing in the days ahead........hugs

Hi Deborah,
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. My home is a comfort to me and I am so glad to be here----but I think whatever you need to do for you is what you need to do after careful consideration. Do you have a trusted friend you can share your thoughts with to help see your decision from all angles? I haven't walked your walk with Alzheimer's---I have read a few of the posts from that support group I have a friend whose husband is in the early stages of the disease---and my heart goes out to you. I wish you peace in your decision.
Sal

Deborah, I'm sorry for the loss for of your husband. This is the one exclusive club no one wants to be a member of but I'm glad you are here, because it helps a lot to express your thoughts and feelings and get feedback from people that know and understand what you are going through. I can understand you wanting to move out of your current home, that's a very common desire and I've been told that you should not make any major decisions for at least a year, but there is really no hard and fast rule -- I agree with Sal, try to discuss it with someone you trust and consider all the pros and cons and all the options available to you. Take your time, so you can make a decision that is right for you and your situation. Blessings! Connie

I am praying for you as you make the decision about leaving the house you and Rollie shared. The passage of time always helps us with our perspective. If moving would help you heal, then that must be the right decision for you. Just make sure you are not making a knee-jerk reaction to Rollie's death. When my Joe was dying, we moved his recliner out of the living room and put a hospital bed in its place. From that place, Joe was able to look out the sliding glass doors onto the woods and small lake we live on. He died right there in that spot, and I have moved his recliner back into that exact spot where he left to go to heaven. I feel closest to him here. However, not everyone has that same feeling and we should all evaluate and trust our own instincts about what is best for us. Again, my prayers are for your comfort and healing. Do what is best for YOU. Good luck. I hope you find the perfect house to help you heal and be yourself.

I do. My husband and I lived with my father for a time. Now, I can't stand the house. When I'm there I feel like my husband has been deleted--like he never existed.

Hi Deborah and welcome to DS. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. We moved one week before my husband passed away. He had ALS, we were moving because of mobility problems. It took so long to sell the house that it just turned out that way. It was a good thing for me. I drive by our old house and am glad I no longer live there. When we bought this condo we knew he was terminal and he wanted me to be here....that brings me some comfort.

You have come to a good place with people who understand, Hugs Lu Ann