Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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lmj90 07/08/2015

I have a real problem, My husband and I have an old friend from High School. We have both known him for over 25 yrs. He has been a part of or lives on and off for that many as well. Coming to our home visiting, Taking our kids fishing, camping with us ect. I never allowed him to be around with out my husband being there because I always felt that he had stronger feelings for me and it made me uncomfortable. I told him on several occasions that I was happily married and he was welcome to come visit as long as my husband was aware and present. When my husband passed away he came to the visitation and funeral- it seemed fine to me as we all had known eachother so long. Since then he calls me alot, ( I have my husband's phone number now) texts me alot and sometimes shows up in the town i live in to try to see me. For a while I was making excuses such as being at work or busy but it didn't stop. I finally told him I wasn't interested in having him visit and it felt disrespectful to me to have him there without my husband. He keeps trying saying that he only wants me to feel better and wants me to be happy and start living life. Does any one have any ideas on how I can handle this? I don't have feelings for him romanticly. He was more like a brother or just good friend. thanks for any input

ruthannstewart 07/08/2015

I am a bit concerned for you. It seems like a respectful, caring man would obey your wishes. It doesn't matter how long you have known him. Be careful dealing with this man, or just don't have anything to do at all with him. If he knows that others know about his persistence, then perhaps he will stop the pestering. It just sounds creepy to me, be careful.!

Ruthann

hiskim 07/08/2015

I agree with Ruthann, and the others. tread softly and carry a big stick! A man to man talk sounds like a good idea. Were here for you. Hugs, Kim

BrokenGeo 07/08/2015

Lisa,
I just read your last reply and I have to say the line where you said, I quote "he certainly respected my husbands "shes my wife speech""
It bothers me that your husband had to use that line with him. I really would like you to see if another man or friends, family etc. can get him straitened out. I'm concerned that he has a fixation on you that is disturbing. I say again be careful, but take whatever steps necessary to stop this, even if this means losing someone you consider a friend. It might well be for the best in the long run.

George.

npc4204 07/08/2015

I agree with RuthAnn, too. I'm very concerned for your safety since he's so persistent. I would block his number. Enough is enough.

cliffskat 07/09/2015

You need to be clear with him that it is not up to him when or if you start enjoying life - it is entirely up to you. You need to be clear that you miss your husband and no one will take his place. You have unwittingly been giving this guy mixed messages for years - be clear with him that you are in love with your husband, doesn't matter if he's dead, and there is no room for this guy in your heart.

I agree that getting his family and preferably another guy to talk to him might help. I had one of these types, too. Had been a close friend of Cliff's, and in fact he and my roommate were responsible for me meeting Cliff. I fell for Cliff at first sight. I could not get this guy to stop obsessing over me until Cliff talked to his family and his family intervened. I don't know why some people do this, but I do know you have to be very clear where you stand. If you waffle all over the place and go to dinner one day and say no the next, he is going to think he's got a chance now.

It is harrassment. It doesn't matter if you think of him as a brother, he is thinking of you as a conquest. Be clear in your own mind on that and perhaps that will help. It's a terrible position to be in, I know that - been in your shoes and it's scary.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

lmj90 07/10/2015

*update* Thank you everyone for your advice it was much needed. I spoke with his brother and we both talked with him together. I was extreamely clear as to my thoughts feelings and future intentions (thanks Cliffskat). His brother really laid it out on the line with me as to how wrong his actions have been. That made me feel good because it has always made me uneasy. I told them both it is my decision as to when and IF I decide to live life and its not up to anyone else. I told him I have NO intention of having a romantic relationship with him and if he can't be friends (and he can't) we need to part ways because I need to concentrate on me.and the loss of my husband

hgsdms 07/10/2015

So happy that you no longer have that worry on your mind. IF this guy tries to contact you again, you know that you have his brother on your side, and you can call on him for help. Hopefully that relieves your mind a whole lot. Now just take care of yourself. AZ hugs coming your way. Darlene

dschwartz 07/10/2015

Atta girl. Whew, breathe a sigh of relief and get on with your personal grief without this distraction. I hope he got the message loud and clear. Thinking of you . . D

lcg67 07/10/2015

Lisa,
Very relieved to hear this. Lisa

KimKos 07/11/2015

I am glad that you had the conversation with the help of his brother...I had something sort of similar with one of my husbands friends...I don't think he had a romantic interest in me but he was grieving too and this is why he kept gravitating towards me....I felt bad acting cold and distant at first and I really do enjoy helping others...but I had to realize I would never be able to help others if I didn't learn how to really help myself....

lmj90 07/13/2015

Im so glad I came to find this board and people who truely understand. Thank you all so much. I did receive a letter from him with an apology and some old pictures of the three of us as teenagers (long long time ago) it was nice to see those and re live some happy times. I feel relieved that this should no longer be a stress for me.

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