Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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lmj90 07/08/2015

I have a real problem, My husband and I have an old friend from High School. We have both known him for over 25 yrs. He has been a part of or lives on and off for that many as well. Coming to our home visiting, Taking our kids fishing, camping with us ect. I never allowed him to be around with out my husband being there because I always felt that he had stronger feelings for me and it made me uncomfortable. I told him on several occasions that I was happily married and he was welcome to come visit as long as my husband was aware and present. When my husband passed away he came to the visitation and funeral- it seemed fine to me as we all had known eachother so long. Since then he calls me alot, ( I have my husband's phone number now) texts me alot and sometimes shows up in the town i live in to try to see me. For a while I was making excuses such as being at work or busy but it didn't stop. I finally told him I wasn't interested in having him visit and it felt disrespectful to me to have him there without my husband. He keeps trying saying that he only wants me to feel better and wants me to be happy and start living life. Does any one have any ideas on how I can handle this? I don't have feelings for him romanticly. He was more like a brother or just good friend. thanks for any input

dschwartz 07/08/2015

Lisa . . I think you may have just answered your own question. "He was more like a brother or just a good friend". Have you had this conversation with him. (Blank), I appreciate your effort to maintain contact and I would welcome that, if it is solely in the context of friendship. Although you may have romantic feelings, I do not and it makes me extremely uncomfortable." Something to that effect. ?? I'm sure that he is missing his friend terribly also and perhaps he is in need of comfort and some measure of maintaining a connection with the past, as in your friendship? This is a toughie. In any event, you must be true to yourself and take care of YOU right now. Follow your gut and heart on this one. Keep us posted . . . hugs, D

dschwartz 07/08/2015

Hmmm . . after re-reading your post, it sounds like you have had said conversation with him and he continues to be persistent (disrespectful to your wishes). In this case, maybe it's best to not answer his phone calls or respond to his texts. There's nothing left to say. If he turns into being a "stalker", you might have to have a police warning or a legal injunction if you feel unsafe. This is a doozy and without knowing him, it's tough to read into what is going on. Good luck. xo, D

lcg67 07/08/2015

Hi D,
Don't know if the original posters name is Lisa too . I noticed her screen name is similar to mine

But in response to LMJ90, I do agree very much with your advice. Lisa

dschwartz 07/08/2015

Oops sorry . . yes, your screen names are VERY similar. Now I'll have to research this. Both of you are fairly new, so forgive my error in names. I could blame it on Widow's Brain, but alas, I think it's a simple memory problem. :)

dschwartz 07/08/2015

We have two Lisa's!! :)

lcg67 07/08/2015

No problem.D
I agree with your advice.
.
if he is trying to be pushy even after she told him she just saw him just as friend it might be best to block his calls/texts etc. Lisa

BrokenGeo 07/08/2015

LM,
It sounds to me like this guy has been hanging around all these years just to be around you. Your feelings and respect toward him have apparently deteriorated over the years. You are now in a situation that seems like he is trying to force himself on you. Bad move obviously. If you can't politely get him to stop I wouldn't advise getting nasty with him directly. I would suggest that you advise him that you simply want to be left alone. If he persists I would suggest as, has been said, get a restraining order. Unfortunately some people have trouble with the word "NO".
Look after your self safety wise and do what is necessary.

Best Regards, George

lmj90 07/08/2015

Thank you all. He has been very clear about how strong his feelings are for me and have been for a while now. He kept them to him self until my husband passed away. He's a nice person but he is always asking me to dinner and out to camp ect. I have no interest in romance with him (or any one for that matter) I didn't want to get the police involved because we have had a long time friendship. My husband and I even helped him through the loss of his sister to cancer. I have been trying to explain my feelings about needing to go through this grief with out pressure to "date" but all I get in response is "i understand" and lets go to dinner!!! I live in a small town and very close to my family also. I don't answer his text most of the time and when I do its no thank you or "you know im going to say no so why do you ask" I don't think he can seperate friendship from his feelings. and when my husband was here he knew that wasn't ok.

Lisa

BrokenGeo 07/08/2015

Lisa,
Just a short response here in regard to your recent reply. If, as you say, you live in a small town and your family and fiends also live there then I would suggest maybe you can have some of your family and friends have a talk with him. Maybe if he gets pressured from other people, he might get the message.
Just a thought.

Geo.

lcg67 07/08/2015

Lisa,
If I am understanding you correctly, you still want to be friends with him just not romantic friends ?
It seems however, unfortunately that he is incapable of being just a friend. I too am very concerned that he is exhibiting stalking type behavior.
( another Lisa)

My apologies for my initial confusion ,as we both have similar screen names as well as the same name and joined around the same time.

hgsdms 07/08/2015

I totally agree with Geo's last response. Ask someone else to talk to him. I had a stalker once in my youth and no amount of "nos" worked until another fella told him to back off. It is sad that he must be hurt after loving you for such a long time, but if you have no feelings for him, and don't think you ever will, it is time he gets the message and finds somebody else. Good luck, Darlene

dschwartz 07/08/2015

What a conundrum. I agree with George. Have you talked with your family about this? Or do you know any of his family you could talk to? Maybe he needs to hear it from another . . especially another MAN whom he might respect. ???

lmj90 07/08/2015

Thank you Lisa. I have talked with my family and they see no harm in his actions. They feel "dinner is just dinner" but I keep going back to the fact that I feel this isn't the right person to lean on in any way because he has told me he has romantic feelings for me and has had for sometime. I will try the ignore tatic again and see if that helps and I will also get stern although that takes so much energy from my already weak and fragile mind. I have to do something to extinguish the romantic side of this. I am sad that I will probably loose a long time friend. The 3 of us have been through alot of life changes and its upsetting to me that he can't see that and remain friends. I am nothing special I just tried to be open honest and a friend.

Lisa :)

lmj90 07/08/2015

I just read a couple more entries and I might be able to have another MAN talk with him. I never thought of that, he certainly respected my husbands "shes my wife speech" so maybe that will work. I am so glad to be here to have friends to help. I really need that

Lisa

hgsdms 07/08/2015

Yes Lisa, sometimes it takes a MAN to say someting before another man gets the message. Good luck. Darlene

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