Follow your heart. It has always been that way, and will always be.

I pray that you refuse to listen to someone who thought that you should remain sad and not live life at the fullest.

Yes. Preoccupation with the departure of your husband is quite normal and very common with the surviving spouse. And there is no sure way to "break even" from what you imagine of him without first engaging in a great effort to getting yourself inside healthier ways of thinking; by this, I explain, you are not really betraying your husband now. What is happening is that you are somehow attempting to conceal the useful idea of your hopes to living a happy life, as life is way too different for you at present, unpredictable, and you innocently think this way by placing your weary imagination of the concept of happiness aimlessly, while at the same time you are still inside of your grief; you cannot logically understand true happiness as you fight through sadness, at least not so clear is a good fight at this stage of bereavement, and at the same time you are considering that he is not really in a happier place, that is, as you desire for him; you see it this way: unless you, too, share in the same happiness as he has in resting you cannot accept; yet, his time as in spirit realm is not quite the same as what you each once shared as a living couple.

This episode you experience is indeed characterized by one of the stages of bereavement, guilt. This is a classic symptom of grief; yet, when in control of your hurtful thoughts and feelings, these impulsive thoughts may subside, leaving you with the usual perception of managing a happier life. Though, in which present time, there is really no good reason to doubt that your husband still shares a great interest in your happiness, same as he once did. Only, your interactions with the hurting thoughts are impairing the ability to think rationally. Please consider your health as a priority though, and rest your mind as best you can. I truly understand that this is a very unexpected and difficult time for you. I am so sorry for this too. I share your pain.

Best to you <3,

Remiah

I think your feelings are normal and I am glad you are feeling better than you did the first three months. As for being happy, I believe that if our spouses loved us (and that is probably the case with just about everyone here or we wouldn't feel the need to grieve) then they truly would want us to be happy. My husband died of a long illness and we had plenty of time to talk and he assured me that the last thing he wanted was for me to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I believe that most of our spouses would feel the same way.

I agree with lucky daughter. I too had many talks with my wife before she passed about conuijng on without her. Tough to discuss and listen to her say that. She has a rough 4 year battle with an aggressive cancer which for a year before she passed her quality of life was rough. I too feel the need to now possibly date. But fear others judging me. Although they have not right since they a re not in my (our shoes). I wonder if I am making the right decision to date after almost 4 months since her passing.

My husbands passing was very sudden, so we had no time to figure anything out, but I know he would not like me to be sad for the rest of my life.

Like you, my husband's passing was very sudden, 15 minutes from first symptoms to death. He has now been gone 7 weeks. Because it happened so fast, I think I was mostly in denial the first few weeks. I just kept thinking he was gone on one of his bicycle trips and would soon return. It seems that now I am finally accepting that he is truly gone. I'm keeping on with all my activities and doing things with friends but mostly just feel lost and alone. Anyway, like you we never had a chance to talk about what life would be like after he was gone. I do think both for you and for me, that our husbands would want us to go on with our lives and be happy. I'm just not sure at this point how to do that.

Yes, I used to miss him when he went to get the mail. How am I going to get through so many years without him? I haven't begun to figure that out yet. Only the Lord knows.

I often asked myself "What would hubby want? " and to answer this I also ask myself "If I had gone first , "What would have I wanted for Hubby ?" ... In the end the answer is always the same. I know the love he had for me and I also know the love I had for him. I know without a doubt that he would have wanted me to be happy and go on with my life whatever that meant.

I must say that having walk the walk, that earlier on in my grieve I had a multitude of doubts, questions and worries that only started to fade away once grieving was allowed fully and issues addressed. I gave myself time before making major life choices and I still think that the 1 year recommendation is a good one for most major choices. Nothing is so important it can't wait a year with the few exceptions.

If dating is part of the equation , I say date with your head for the first year and not with your heart...If it's meant to be something more it will grow that much stronger and won't need to have anyone rush in.

I can't even think about dating right now. It would be so unfair to my date. Neither my heart or my head would be into it.

Nor can I even think about dating. I'm still wearing my wedding ring on my left hand and can't even imagine a time when I would take it off. Because I am older, was married for 35 years, and have 3 grown children, I believe I'll just stick with my happy memories.

SandyZal, i totally understand your apprehension, but follow your heart, i have done this already, my husband passed in February and i started the dating seen in June, some may find that too soon, but the circumstances of my husband death are different, was prepared two years prior, he suffered for that long...and i know this is what he wanted, he wanted me to be happy, i am not in a long term relationship but my heart is getting closer to realizing that that is what i want, i want to love again and be loved. I hope the best for you.

It has also been four months since my husband died. I too am in a better place and want to live a happy life. I commend you for taking that stand and making the statement. I have found too many people who can't let go of the pain and close themselves off to love and happiness. I never understood that but once I lost my husband I understand it now, the pain overwhelms you and you can't see beyond it. My husband sickness was quick and he died within a month of him going into the hospital. We had opportunity to discuss the future and how I should proceed but he never wanted to talk about it. I think he would have to admit he was dying to talk to me so he just avoided it. At first it really bothered me but now I feel he knew me better then anyone else did so he would know I would want to move on and be happy. I have started taking steps, I am moving to a new state. I am looking forward to soon starting a new job and have even started looking up social groups for single parents and widows. I am not looking for a new husband but one day when I am ready I want to find love again. I don't feel I am betraying my husband, he is in my soul. I am raising our children and he will always be a part of me but he is not here anymore and my life counts. You might not be ready to start dating but I think you are ready to start meeting new people. Embrace it and just see where it goes.

I don't think there is anyone who could take my husband's place. He was so good to me. I am not out to find someone to even date right now, but I do want to be happy again and stop crying all the time.