Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I know If haven't said ianything on here about my widowed friend(Frank) We started talking last month from a site we met on. He said after his wife passed away he came on DS about a week later and couldn't handle all the sadness. At that time he said this site only seemed to make things worse. So he didn't ever come back.
I met him on another site. We have been talking for a month now. He said he wanted to meet me and had plans to come at the end of this week. Last week he said ended up with the crud and finally went to the doctor and said he was on the mend this he told me he thought his hiatal hernia was flaring up and it go so bad that he ended up at the ER last wed night and come to find out they did ct scan and said he had gallstones and that was the reason he was hurting so bad. He ended up having surgery on Friday and found out that his gallbladder was gangerous. He was suppose to get out today on Sunday. I sent him a few texts today and didn't hear from him, which was kinda unusual. But then he finally sent me message telling ,he went into respiratory distress sometime last night and went into ICU. He said they don't know if they just didn't get all the infection out or whatever but whatever made him that much sicker.
I told him he needed to first get out of the hospital first then get on the mend.
He has told me I have him hope. We seem to have lots in common and have lots of great laughs. We have this on going joke about all the nigeran scams that happens thru emails and on websites etc.
I'm am little futher in this widowhood then he is. But he has taught my so much in such a short time. I felt very flattered and greatful that someone said that , I gave him hope. He keeps referring to me as bright spot in the middle of his day.
I always go with my gut when something doesn't feel right. So far I haven't had any bad feelings about this. He seems very honest and respectful of everything that I have been thru. We both lost our spouses the same way. Suddenly and heart related. The way he thinks is that other people are on a different timeline then we as widow people are on. When he said that to me something made sense too me. Its been such a blessing for a change to get to talk hours with someone weekly that completely gets it. He tells me you can vent ,you can scream,you can cry whatever you need to do I'm here for you. You can laugh at me and I lll laugh at you or with you. He says you don't have to explain yourself I completey get it. He said we will get thru it together.
He is 46. He was in one marriage right out of high school ,married to her for 7 years and has 2 sons. They divorced and then 4 years later he met his late wife,whom they were married for 16-17 years until she passed.few months ago. She was 18 years older then him..She was 64 when she passed. He said a lot of people had issues with her being older then him but he said it worked for us. He said most of time she looked younger then what she was and it wasn't until people knew her age.
We talked about the whole thing of which was worse for him. He said the divorce wasn't so bad other then he can't stand her and sometimes has to deal with her because of their children. But by far his late wife was harder but he did say being she was that much older he completely understood the risk of marrying someone that much older that as you get older the more risk of health related issues etc.
He said I also put my faith in GOD. For GOD to help me thru this and too bring people like you into my life. We have both said that we are friends first and foremost and what ever path GOD wants us on ,then we will go from there.
He did tell me that when his phone chirps letting him know he has a message that he always hopes it from me. He said he gets excited.
One morning I texted him and he said dang it .. you beat me by 3 mins lol.
Everyone maybe wandering where I see myself in all this. As I read this site and 2 facebook groups I'm in sometimes I see the sadness. I understand people go thru grief in all different ways. One thing and Frank have talked about is how can people who lost someone 10-12 years still act as if their spouses just passed. Frank made me realize that these people most likely haven't grieved the way they should have. Maybe that they keep staying busy and keep putting it off. He said you cant deal with what you put off. Stayin busy and not dealing with it puts you a place that only makes it worse.
With that being said. Not only did Frank say this but my therapist said this few weeks ago. So I have been really thinking about it a lot. I don't want to be 5 years down the road still grieving as if I had just lost Steven. I do feel different then where I was 6.5 months ago and different then I did 3 months ago.
Loneliness still gets me big time. It seems to be the hardest part. Would Steven want me to be alone. He was always someone that didn't meet a stranger. He always was the one that wanted to be out and about living and learning about things and life. So I'm not sure what this new friendship with Frank will be but I think sometimes that our late spouses bring people into ourlives as a lesson and blessing.
I will keep yall posted.
I met him on another site. We have been talking for a month now. He said he wanted to meet me and had plans to come at the end of this week. Last week he said ended up with the crud and finally went to the doctor and said he was on the mend this he told me he thought his hiatal hernia was flaring up and it go so bad that he ended up at the ER last wed night and come to find out they did ct scan and said he had gallstones and that was the reason he was hurting so bad. He ended up having surgery on Friday and found out that his gallbladder was gangerous. He was suppose to get out today on Sunday. I sent him a few texts today and didn't hear from him, which was kinda unusual. But then he finally sent me message telling ,he went into respiratory distress sometime last night and went into ICU. He said they don't know if they just didn't get all the infection out or whatever but whatever made him that much sicker.
I told him he needed to first get out of the hospital first then get on the mend.
He has told me I have him hope. We seem to have lots in common and have lots of great laughs. We have this on going joke about all the nigeran scams that happens thru emails and on websites etc.
I'm am little futher in this widowhood then he is. But he has taught my so much in such a short time. I felt very flattered and greatful that someone said that , I gave him hope. He keeps referring to me as bright spot in the middle of his day.
I always go with my gut when something doesn't feel right. So far I haven't had any bad feelings about this. He seems very honest and respectful of everything that I have been thru. We both lost our spouses the same way. Suddenly and heart related. The way he thinks is that other people are on a different timeline then we as widow people are on. When he said that to me something made sense too me. Its been such a blessing for a change to get to talk hours with someone weekly that completely gets it. He tells me you can vent ,you can scream,you can cry whatever you need to do I'm here for you. You can laugh at me and I lll laugh at you or with you. He says you don't have to explain yourself I completey get it. He said we will get thru it together.
He is 46. He was in one marriage right out of high school ,married to her for 7 years and has 2 sons. They divorced and then 4 years later he met his late wife,whom they were married for 16-17 years until she passed.few months ago. She was 18 years older then him..She was 64 when she passed. He said a lot of people had issues with her being older then him but he said it worked for us. He said most of time she looked younger then what she was and it wasn't until people knew her age.
We talked about the whole thing of which was worse for him. He said the divorce wasn't so bad other then he can't stand her and sometimes has to deal with her because of their children. But by far his late wife was harder but he did say being she was that much older he completely understood the risk of marrying someone that much older that as you get older the more risk of health related issues etc.
He said I also put my faith in GOD. For GOD to help me thru this and too bring people like you into my life. We have both said that we are friends first and foremost and what ever path GOD wants us on ,then we will go from there.
He did tell me that when his phone chirps letting him know he has a message that he always hopes it from me. He said he gets excited.
One morning I texted him and he said dang it .. you beat me by 3 mins lol.
Everyone maybe wandering where I see myself in all this. As I read this site and 2 facebook groups I'm in sometimes I see the sadness. I understand people go thru grief in all different ways. One thing and Frank have talked about is how can people who lost someone 10-12 years still act as if their spouses just passed. Frank made me realize that these people most likely haven't grieved the way they should have. Maybe that they keep staying busy and keep putting it off. He said you cant deal with what you put off. Stayin busy and not dealing with it puts you a place that only makes it worse.
With that being said. Not only did Frank say this but my therapist said this few weeks ago. So I have been really thinking about it a lot. I don't want to be 5 years down the road still grieving as if I had just lost Steven. I do feel different then where I was 6.5 months ago and different then I did 3 months ago.
Loneliness still gets me big time. It seems to be the hardest part. Would Steven want me to be alone. He was always someone that didn't meet a stranger. He always was the one that wanted to be out and about living and learning about things and life. So I'm not sure what this new friendship with Frank will be but I think sometimes that our late spouses bring people into ourlives as a lesson and blessing.
I will keep yall posted.
I don't know where you are in Texas, so can't give any specific advice about that, but for the heck of it, I went on meetup.com and searched on meetup groups within 5 miles of Dallas, and over a hundred groups came up. I checked El Paso, about 40 came up. I checked Houston and over 100 came up. You might want to consider checking out some of the groups, so you can make new friends and new contacts - ones that would YOUR friends and contacts instead of ones that were more your husband's. Some are social groups, some social interest groups, and some are widow and widower groups.
I was 50 when I lost Cliff. There weren't any widows in my social circle, including amongst my older co-workers. I got treated by some folks like I had the plague or like somehow my widowhood might be contagious. Others would grab hold of their husbands when I was around, and all I could think of was "as if, lady, I mean, really?? I wouldn't have yours if you were giving him away..." Grief completely rewrote my address book. The friends I made AFTER Cliff died were the ones I was able to lean on. I did become closer to one lady who confided that she had been widowed a dozen years previous and remarried, but never talked about her loss with anyone else. I began to see why! With my own family, it was hit or miss. My eldest sister, who lived in the same city, was my rock throughout and came through for me and my sons as best she could, but she was not widowed, so couldn't always relate. My brother, who lived 2 miles from me, avoided me and my boys. I am not sure I will ever get over that. I tried staying in touch with my brother-in-law (Cliff's brother), but I got tired of being the one always initiating the contact. After 30 years of being family, suddenly we weren't?? My boys could have really benefited from hearing from their uncles - but they didn't.
It does make you angry. It is hurtful when you find that the people you thought would help and be there for you simply aren't. How could it NOT?
I am sorry you're going through it, too. My best advice is to try the meetup.com site, and also maybe try checking out some of the churches. You might have a different experience with a different church.
As far as your daughter, my younger son was a senior in high school when Cliff died. It's a crucial, stressful time for them. Your daughter may also be trying to shield you from her grief. I know my sons tried to do that for me. What helped us was that my son got grief counseling through his guidance counselor and the school psychologist, and because it was through the school, it was free. He thought I didn't know he was getting counseling, but his guidance counselor and I talked. It was helpful for him because he had someone to help him with the emotions he was experiencing and also because the counselor and psychologist talked with his teachers so they would know what to expect/what could happen. He had an anger burst at one of his favorite teachers, and instead of getting suspended and thrown off the honor roll, his teacher knew it was the grief talking and they worked through it. If he hadn't been getting the extra help, things would have worked out badly for him. I would encourage you to look into that for your daughter. It would probably be better for her than looking to her boyfriend for comfort.
As far as graduation... I have to say that my son graduated when I was 6 months a widow, and I cried through the whole ceremony. I got a lot of weird looks. Sometimes letting them take something of their Dad's with them that day helps. We got through it, it wasn't easy, but we got through it.
I hope this helps.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Not even a kiss. I don't think she believed me. She is 18 btw. She was sounding like the parent now. Very concerned for my well being. She wasn't upset that I was talking with others but just wanted what was best for me.
I left to go back to the hotel to meet up with him and then we drove half hr to the town where I do therapy. He waited for me outside while I was in my session. I hadn't even told my therapist yet I making new friends even with widowed men. We talked about that. She took some info about him down. After my therapy we went to eat and had great conversation and then we went to a books/music/video store and then we went to watch a movie. Then we just went driving around for couple hrs. Just talking. Then back to the hotel. Again at 130 am this morning he was offering to let me crash there. He took the couch and me the bed. I finally got about 5-6 hrs asleep. Just sitting and having someone to talk with means a lot. He was a true gentlemen. No hanky panking or fast moves etc. He even opened doors for me. It was so nice to actually have someone that I could talk to and the same for him. I felt that finally for the last 6 weeks I have actually had someone that I can talk with that's not judgemental and that total gets it. He showed geninue concern for me. He said I'm worried about you not getting enough sleep. Hearing another voice to talk with was pleasant. I had a great time. I felt at peace. That someone actually took time out for me and drove so far to get to spend time. I'm glad to have him as a friend. Even my therapist knew I looked like I was in happier mood. She said you have to do what you feel is best for you. If you can still grieve for Steven and be happy at the same time that's all that counts.