Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I know If haven't said ianything on here about my widowed friend(Frank) We started talking last month from a site we met on. He said after his wife passed away he came on DS about a week later and couldn't handle all the sadness. At that time he said this site only seemed to make things worse. So he didn't ever come back.
I met him on another site. We have been talking for a month now. He said he wanted to meet me and had plans to come at the end of this week. Last week he said ended up with the crud and finally went to the doctor and said he was on the mend this he told me he thought his hiatal hernia was flaring up and it go so bad that he ended up at the ER last wed night and come to find out they did ct scan and said he had gallstones and that was the reason he was hurting so bad. He ended up having surgery on Friday and found out that his gallbladder was gangerous. He was suppose to get out today on Sunday. I sent him a few texts today and didn't hear from him, which was kinda unusual. But then he finally sent me message telling ,he went into respiratory distress sometime last night and went into ICU. He said they don't know if they just didn't get all the infection out or whatever but whatever made him that much sicker.
I told him he needed to first get out of the hospital first then get on the mend.
He has told me I have him hope. We seem to have lots in common and have lots of great laughs. We have this on going joke about all the nigeran scams that happens thru emails and on websites etc.
I'm am little futher in this widowhood then he is. But he has taught my so much in such a short time. I felt very flattered and greatful that someone said that , I gave him hope. He keeps referring to me as bright spot in the middle of his day.
I always go with my gut when something doesn't feel right. So far I haven't had any bad feelings about this. He seems very honest and respectful of everything that I have been thru. We both lost our spouses the same way. Suddenly and heart related. The way he thinks is that other people are on a different timeline then we as widow people are on. When he said that to me something made sense too me. Its been such a blessing for a change to get to talk hours with someone weekly that completely gets it. He tells me you can vent ,you can scream,you can cry whatever you need to do I'm here for you. You can laugh at me and I lll laugh at you or with you. He says you don't have to explain yourself I completey get it. He said we will get thru it together.
He is 46. He was in one marriage right out of high school ,married to her for 7 years and has 2 sons. They divorced and then 4 years later he met his late wife,whom they were married for 16-17 years until she passed.few months ago. She was 18 years older then him..She was 64 when she passed. He said a lot of people had issues with her being older then him but he said it worked for us. He said most of time she looked younger then what she was and it wasn't until people knew her age.
We talked about the whole thing of which was worse for him. He said the divorce wasn't so bad other then he can't stand her and sometimes has to deal with her because of their children. But by far his late wife was harder but he did say being she was that much older he completely understood the risk of marrying someone that much older that as you get older the more risk of health related issues etc.
He said I also put my faith in GOD. For GOD to help me thru this and too bring people like you into my life. We have both said that we are friends first and foremost and what ever path GOD wants us on ,then we will go from there.
He did tell me that when his phone chirps letting him know he has a message that he always hopes it from me. He said he gets excited.
One morning I texted him and he said dang it .. you beat me by 3 mins lol.
Everyone maybe wandering where I see myself in all this. As I read this site and 2 facebook groups I'm in sometimes I see the sadness. I understand people go thru grief in all different ways. One thing and Frank have talked about is how can people who lost someone 10-12 years still act as if their spouses just passed. Frank made me realize that these people most likely haven't grieved the way they should have. Maybe that they keep staying busy and keep putting it off. He said you cant deal with what you put off. Stayin busy and not dealing with it puts you a place that only makes it worse.
With that being said. Not only did Frank say this but my therapist said this few weeks ago. So I have been really thinking about it a lot. I don't want to be 5 years down the road still grieving as if I had just lost Steven. I do feel different then where I was 6.5 months ago and different then I did 3 months ago.
Loneliness still gets me big time. It seems to be the hardest part. Would Steven want me to be alone. He was always someone that didn't meet a stranger. He always was the one that wanted to be out and about living and learning about things and life. So I'm not sure what this new friendship with Frank will be but I think sometimes that our late spouses bring people into ourlives as a lesson and blessing.
I will keep yall posted.
I met him on another site. We have been talking for a month now. He said he wanted to meet me and had plans to come at the end of this week. Last week he said ended up with the crud and finally went to the doctor and said he was on the mend this he told me he thought his hiatal hernia was flaring up and it go so bad that he ended up at the ER last wed night and come to find out they did ct scan and said he had gallstones and that was the reason he was hurting so bad. He ended up having surgery on Friday and found out that his gallbladder was gangerous. He was suppose to get out today on Sunday. I sent him a few texts today and didn't hear from him, which was kinda unusual. But then he finally sent me message telling ,he went into respiratory distress sometime last night and went into ICU. He said they don't know if they just didn't get all the infection out or whatever but whatever made him that much sicker.
I told him he needed to first get out of the hospital first then get on the mend.
He has told me I have him hope. We seem to have lots in common and have lots of great laughs. We have this on going joke about all the nigeran scams that happens thru emails and on websites etc.
I'm am little futher in this widowhood then he is. But he has taught my so much in such a short time. I felt very flattered and greatful that someone said that , I gave him hope. He keeps referring to me as bright spot in the middle of his day.
I always go with my gut when something doesn't feel right. So far I haven't had any bad feelings about this. He seems very honest and respectful of everything that I have been thru. We both lost our spouses the same way. Suddenly and heart related. The way he thinks is that other people are on a different timeline then we as widow people are on. When he said that to me something made sense too me. Its been such a blessing for a change to get to talk hours with someone weekly that completely gets it. He tells me you can vent ,you can scream,you can cry whatever you need to do I'm here for you. You can laugh at me and I lll laugh at you or with you. He says you don't have to explain yourself I completey get it. He said we will get thru it together.
He is 46. He was in one marriage right out of high school ,married to her for 7 years and has 2 sons. They divorced and then 4 years later he met his late wife,whom they were married for 16-17 years until she passed.few months ago. She was 18 years older then him..She was 64 when she passed. He said a lot of people had issues with her being older then him but he said it worked for us. He said most of time she looked younger then what she was and it wasn't until people knew her age.
We talked about the whole thing of which was worse for him. He said the divorce wasn't so bad other then he can't stand her and sometimes has to deal with her because of their children. But by far his late wife was harder but he did say being she was that much older he completely understood the risk of marrying someone that much older that as you get older the more risk of health related issues etc.
He said I also put my faith in GOD. For GOD to help me thru this and too bring people like you into my life. We have both said that we are friends first and foremost and what ever path GOD wants us on ,then we will go from there.
He did tell me that when his phone chirps letting him know he has a message that he always hopes it from me. He said he gets excited.
One morning I texted him and he said dang it .. you beat me by 3 mins lol.
Everyone maybe wandering where I see myself in all this. As I read this site and 2 facebook groups I'm in sometimes I see the sadness. I understand people go thru grief in all different ways. One thing and Frank have talked about is how can people who lost someone 10-12 years still act as if their spouses just passed. Frank made me realize that these people most likely haven't grieved the way they should have. Maybe that they keep staying busy and keep putting it off. He said you cant deal with what you put off. Stayin busy and not dealing with it puts you a place that only makes it worse.
With that being said. Not only did Frank say this but my therapist said this few weeks ago. So I have been really thinking about it a lot. I don't want to be 5 years down the road still grieving as if I had just lost Steven. I do feel different then where I was 6.5 months ago and different then I did 3 months ago.
Loneliness still gets me big time. It seems to be the hardest part. Would Steven want me to be alone. He was always someone that didn't meet a stranger. He always was the one that wanted to be out and about living and learning about things and life. So I'm not sure what this new friendship with Frank will be but I think sometimes that our late spouses bring people into ourlives as a lesson and blessing.
I will keep yall posted.
I can see myself still hurting years down the road after loosing my wife. I will never stop missing or grieving foe her because I will never stop loving her. I have to be careful right now in my interactions with ladies because I am vulnerable. I sometimes find myself fantasizing about meeting someone and after meeting someone thinking how about this one. I know that right now It is the loneliness of being by myself and missing my wife so I am careful. I hope this is something that is real for you. I am hoping some day to find something that is real for me.
Peace, Tim
Blessed Be!
Spike
If you are looking for purely social connections, then this is not the right site for you. If you want to find support for moving into the next stage of your life and all that entails, you might find it helpful to be posting in Hopeful Hearts, the member group which is under this board. Sharon is the Admin there, and it is a good group, more geared to the kinds of things you are talking about.
I still miss my husband Cliff, and I always will. I am remarried, to a widower, and we both know that people die, love doesn't. That means that there will always be those special days that are hard to get through because of memories and such, but it does not stop us from being happy and being together. But being happy and being together doesn't stop me from missing the one I lost either. You learn to carry a bag of mixed emotions with you all the time.
I do hope you are being careful and prudent. Some of the people who were here and are no longer here are no longer here because they were banned. Make sure you know what you are getting yourself in for before you go visit. I hope it works out well for you, but I have to say, his story sounds suspect to me. Just sayin....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I'm not saying no one will still hurt down the line. But I do believe that we have to eventually move on. Our beloved spouses would want us to pickup and live life to the fullest.
My mother n law passed away January 2014. My in laws were married 46 years. He has just now gotten remarried few months ago. He is learning after 46 years and 5 kids later that you have to pick up and move on life is too short. He was 69 at the time when his wife died. He almost ended his own life but then someone special came into his life that he already knew and he was giving a second chance of living out this remainder of his life happy. He has been having some health issues and wants to live whats left of it happy.
Part of our heart will always be with our first loves.
Not everyone online is what they appear to be. This group has had scammers and predators come through, just like a lot of other places. It is one of the big reasons our group has CLs.
As far as "moving on," I think you need to try to understand that "moving on" into another relationship is not the answer for everyone. I don't fault anyone for not moving into another relationship. Everybody's relationships were different, each grief path is different, and what is going to make someone happy and feel fulfilled is going to be different. There is no right way or wrong way on that front. Some people pursue a relationship too soon, some take a long time, and some never will. All those are genuine options.
There is also an age factor. For a woman who has been with the same man for 50 years, based on comments here, once was enough. There are a lot of people here who were married longer than you've been alive. As a matter of fact, I think you were in diapers the year Cliff and I got married - there's a weird thought! LOL...
You should not be so quick to judge what is right or wrong for another person who is grieving. Your posts make me wonder what your particular hurry is - you seem to be running headlong - but into what is anybody's guess. You're only 6.5 months into being a widow and already you think you're not grieving fast enough? And that no one here is either? Running into another relationship can be just as dangerous as staying busy to not deal with your grief. The thrill of new love, new sex even, can be just another way of running from yourself like booze or drugs or working umpteen hours. There are valid reasons for waiting a year before big changes and big decisions.
Anger is a very real part of grieving, and I wonder if that is the point you are at now. Your posts all sound angry to me. This widower friend is the first person you have not described with anger. It's great you have connected with someone you can relate to, and I hope it all goes well for you.
Im in a tough spot for the first time in my life.
As I said in other post few months ago. I almost lost a good friend to me venting because I didn't have help. She said I will listen to you about Steven but if you are gonna vent about whatever else Im not listening to it. But that's the thing ...about this process of grief. Being angry that my husband died suddently and having to struggle with things on my own and not having the support of those that say they are there for you. I tried telling her this and she only became more frustrasted with me and told me she would end our friendship if I continued to vent about it to her. So I don't literally vent to anyone anymore besides my therapist. She gets paid $50 a week from me and I go every week. Ive only missed one week since Ive been going since Dec.
I gave gotten more advise from total strangers on sites likes these ,other sites then I have done talking family/friends/coworkers.
I can't obviously talk to my mom because she is so zoned out on her meds and she is a widow herself. But she never remarried and neither did my grandmother (she passed in 2013).
My father n law won't even call me back. I'm not going to obviously take the advise of my siblings or my cousins because none of them have been thru this before. They all have been thru a divorce once ,twice or three times. So I want be getting there input on relationship advise ever lol.
Martha I completely understand your advise and what you said about scammers/fake people. I was married a long time almost 19 years. I think when you have been married for a long period of time you understand things a lot better as you get older.
I have heard of people getting involved way too soon and it not working out and I have heard of people waiting 5-10 years after their spouse pass before they wait and they are still waiting 20 years because they are still waiting for their spouse to come home and so I feel that those type people never moved on or that they never got to grieve.
I have hit every single stage and repeating some of them. My therapist says you don't have to hit them in order but she says its better to grieve sooner then later because if you wait for years then it only causes futher problems down the line.
Im afraid that's what is happening with my daughter. She was 17 when her dad died. 5 weeks after he died she turned 18. She constantly works,was going to school,and has a boyfriend. She went with my to therapy once and she told the therapist she doesn't think of him and trys to stay busy. She said she feels if she doesn't think about it ,will go away. The therapist told her that is not good. She said you can't deal with what you put off. She broke down for the first time at Christmas since the funeral when my uncle started crying about our grandma and Steven, then she started crying. She said she feels graduation will be very hard for her in May.
I hit my all time stage of grief in the depression in December. It was bad. I had to seek help immediately.
I understand we all go thru different stages at different times. We have triggers,we have happy moments, we have sad moments.
Just having someone along the way that kinda helps you thru the week is all I have been asking from my friends/families. If they can't provide the support for me then Im better off without them. I don't need anything financial from them. I am an independent woman that needs no help in that form from anyone. All I have been askin for is someone to help be a listening ear and offer other help along the way. Helps comes in many forms. There has been some stuff I need help with as I have said in other post few months ago.
I'm happy for those who eventually find new love but not for me.
After almost 5yrs. I'm content with my life. Yes I get lonely, sad, weepy , pain of missing him and am fighting depression but all is getting better,
I just put my mind to this is my lot in life don't dwell on it and make the best I can.
Good luck to you and happiness.
I agree with Frank sometimes this place can be a sad place but heck we have all be where others are
Just to have someone to talk with and laugh with, is all I'm asking for now. No one is interested. As I said ,If I have to beg people to have lunch with me ,then they aren't worth being in my life. I should be able to make advance plans and say I will be in town etc lets have lunch/dinner. Lets go drink coffee,tea,water.whatever. Or for the people that live in town. I get tired of their excuse.
My daughter is even tooo busy. So I'm just looking for someone that I can do do things with or even lunch/dinner regulary. I can't rely on a church members because I don't go church and haven't for quiet sometime.
My friend Frank lives in another state anyways. I'm can say atleast one thing. Me talking on here is no worse or better then chatting with a complete stranger from online elsewhere. don't know any of yall personally but we seem to believe that everyone here is not lying to us.We seem to believe that each person that shares a story on here is the truth. The same thing when you build relationships with co-workers/employees/employers/signinficant others. We trust until there is a reason to not believe them.
I don't want people to think I am nave. I'm just going with the flow of things. I'm trying to learn the best way I can with what resourses I have.
Trust me I have had many offers from men already offering sex. I'm like really, are you kidding me. Few months ago I ran into the preacher that did Stevens funeral ,I ran into him and sat with him for lunch. I felt very odd and strange and thought what if people think .....
One of our guy friend that is very mental handicapped I have taken him to eat lunch afew times but I don't worry about what people say because he has issues physically /mentally.
The only other guy friend I have ate lunch with was in Florida for like 30mins and he was getting married later that week. We talked about work and that's about it. He didn't have much time to talk to me about how everything was really going for me.
So everyone seems to think I was gonna jumped in the sack with the first man that came around..
It has been great to just get a message from someone that says they care. Even if its a one text a day or every other day. I can say its better then they fake family members out their. That say they will call you later talk and that was 3 months ago.
There are people whose identity is tied to the number of people they know, and there are others, like me, who don't mind their own company. Doesn't mean we are hanging onto our grief and won't move on, we just value our peace and quiet more. I get tired of others thinking this is weird, because I'm having the most relaxing time of my life.
My son's mother-in-law has to always be doing something. This weekend she asked what have I been doing lately. I told her there's not much going on at my house. She was ready to politely tell me how wrong that is, when another lady she had been talking to piped up and said there was nothing much going on at her house either. She said maybe a bird hits the window once in a while. I said yeah, like that. Hey, we know what's good too. I will be three years a widow on Feb. 20th.