Sylvia, I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a site that nobody want to have to need, but it is a good place. The members here will support you, listen to your sorrow, help you through the pain. One step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time.... Be kind to yourself... Hope, Peace, Blessing and Prayers for you for today and for all those that are hurting....... Mark

Thank you, Mark. I do feel as if I have come to the right place......even though it has only been a few days, I feel at home here already. My lawn man just came by and was telling me about his early days as a widower when he contemplated suicide. Well, I am not anywhere close to contemplating suicide (after my bout with cancer I am fighting to live) so I guess I could be in a lot worse shape than I am. The lawn man remarried after a couple of years, by the way, and is happy now.

Hi Sylvia,
Thanks for sharing your story.
You have survived so much, your strength of mind jumps off the page!
I can't imagine, how it feels to be fighting for your life, while you're going through the emotional roller-coaster of grief.
I remember going through the same constant, memories of my husband's suffering, for months after he passed. The best thing I did, was to join my local griefshare group. I was able to share and connect closely, with people, who understood. We encouraged and supported each other. Most of all, I was able to
Tell my story over and over again.....and listen to other people's stories over and over again. Sharing our grief, was truly healing. Face those thoughts and memories, which can haunt you, they can be a hindrance to mending your broken heart. Keep talking and sharing as often as you can, start journaling your thoughts and feelings.... It really helps. You will find those haunting memories will eventually fade and your wonderful, joyful memories of your long marriage, will surface, to give you the strength and peace you need to move forward.
It's a long process of mending your broken heart. Moment by moment, you will get through it.
Keep venting and sharing here also, I'm hoping we are all here for you.
Love and hugs To you, Sylvia.......
Sandra.

Thank you for your response, Sandra. Other people have told me the same thing..........that eventually the vivid memory of his last days will fade and I will be able to remember happier times. That gives me hope. ;)

I am sorry for the loss that brought you here, but wanted to welcome you to our community. I lost my husband to a heart attack, my father to cancer. Different kinds of losses, but in both instances it took a long time to remember the good times of our shared lives instead of the end of their lives. It does come back. Counseling, grief groups like the one Sandra mentioned, journaling about it, or even writing a letter to your husband about it - these things sometimes help. I had counseling, there wasn't a group I could get to after my husband died -- it's why I wound up here myself! I also did a lot of journaling the first couple of years, but electronically here and on paper. There was a lot I needed to get out and express in some way. Some people find displaying lots of photos of the good times will help push those terrible memories out of the way. Just a few ideas which I hope are of help. Welcome.
Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader

I also lost my husband to Lung Cancer...He was sick for months following Heart Failure before they finally figured out that it was from Lung Cancer and by then when they finally diagnosed him , the verdict was the worst..It was terminal and nothing but quality of life could be offered. 8 days later my 52 year old husband was gone . Like you I relieved the negative aspect of his being sick and did this over and over like a bad movie stuck on repeat... To the world I presented someone who had it together and was moving on while feeling destroyed inside . I was going through the motions , going to the gym, eating right, getting a personal trainer . 8 months after his passing I hit a brick wall because while I was presenting a strong front, my foundation was weak. I was not grieving properly.
When an invitation for a bereavement session came in the mail from the funeral home, I decided to attend and during those 8 weeks started learning about grieve . I found out that absorbing the pain and presenting a strong front was actually hurting more and that in order to be able to survive I would have to let the pain and the tears come and accept the help and support from others. Once I started unloading my pain, fears, worries to others who understood the healing started. Slow very slow but steady. After the 8 weeks I knew I needed more support and found this place again (I had found it a week after my husband passed but was too raw and did not stay)
No matter what my rambling was, someone was always there to offer their experience, love, support. Here I was able to heal with far better tools and not fooling myself that I was doing o.k.
At a time when we are the most vulnerable, we also tend to be the hardest on our self. Here I learned that in order to move forward it was necessary to address every aspect no matter how silly they seemed to me.
Relieving the experience of watching your husband die from Cancer is something natural because we are trying to make sense of something that we never understand. But while we may never understand slowly but surely those image will be replaced with happier times and memories. It's like when we were kids and had a bad nightmare, it would take some time to feel secure again but as the day would progress and our time occupied with busy activities the nightmare would eventually fade away.
Right now it feels like there is a mountain to climb and when look at it all at once it is simply overwhelming, but take a step at a time , accept the support and eventually you will turn around and see just how very far you have come from and how less frightening the remainder of the climb is.

xoxo

Thank you, Martha. I will take your suggestions to heart. I do believe that eventually the good memories will surface.

Thank you for your response, handg. I wonder why it sometimes takes so long to diagnose cancer.....it took them awhile to diagnose my husband, too, although I doubt those few months would have made much of a difference in his prognosis. His first sign was back pain and by then the cancer had already spread to the bones, apparently.

yes my husband had pain in the back and by then it had spread to his brain as well....

Very sorry for your loss. Glad you found this forum.

Thank you kelleigh8. I think this forum is what I have been looking for.

Hi Sylvia. Sorry for what you have and will go through. Sadly, it does get worse before it gets better, but get better it will. I know of some who suffered through events similar to yours and who were diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress syndrome). As for me, my grief was so intense I spiraled downhill in a hurry and my mind just shut down eventually. I was diagnosed with depression in Oct '15 and have been on medicine since then. It saved my life really. You will hear this so often -- we have to go through our grief. That is where our healing comes. How long until we begin to get better is unanswerable -- everyone is different. The common denominator is that we all have to go through a living hell. If we don't go through it and instead manage to bury it, it doesn't go away and will surface again later. All we can do is take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month. But we all make it somehow. Grief is actually your friend because it is only through the unbelievable sadness, loneliness, regrets, pain, tears, wailings, and depression, that our healing comes. It all has to come out. At first, it controls you. But there will come a day when you are able to control it -- meaning, we become able to choose the when and where. But by then we've learned to let it come because we must have that emotional release. I am glad you found us here. Not a one of us that doesn't understand. ~~~ Scottie

Thanks, Scottie, for your post. If the key to healing is going through a living hell, complete with unbelievable sadness, loneliness, etc., then I am on the right path!! I know a bit about PTSD and I am not surprised that some people who went through similar experiences have been diagnosed with it. I feel absolutely traumatized by the last few days and weeks of his life. For the first three weeks after his death, I couldn't feel much of anything except vast relief that the nightmare was over. Then the tears came, but they were mostly tears caused by how much he suffered.......I really had to keep reminding myself that he was no longer suffering. Now, five weeks and one day after his death, I am finally starting to cry for myself, because the love of my life is gone and not coming back. I know that life will never be the same but I am holding out hope that it can be good again.................just not right now at this moment.

You have been through such a very, very difficult time and yet your tremendous strength and optimism come clearly through. Yes, you will go through hell, anyone who loses the person they loved like we all did does experience hell but you will go on In 12 days it will be one year that my husband died and there is still a part of me that cannot fathom that he is gone and I am still here. After almost 30 years of marriage I guess it takes a very long time to adjust to a new normal. And most likely none of us seeks to embrace that. This is a very good place to express yourself, unlike most people in your life, we all get it. God bless you and I wish you peace.

Thanks, Msbklyn for your response. I think a "new normal" is my goal now, since obviously life will never be the same again. I am sorry about your loss and hope it gets a little easier every day.