Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

My Everything is Gone

downandout101
downandout101

I lost my beautiful wife on 16 September 2019. She was my everything, wife, mother to our 5 children and 3 grand-kids (1 of our 5 kids died very suddenly in 2017 and our son-in-law committed suicide in April of 2019). I feel very alone in this, feel like I am withour direction and at the mercy of whatever life throws at me. I am trying to get back into the work force because for the last 10 years I was my Maria's caregiver. I took care of her and was always faithful to our vows. The last year and a half was terrible. She had Type 1 Brittle Diabetes, DKA, ARDS, Pneumonia, Kidney Disease, Bradychardia and became combative and didn't really know what was going on and was no longer the woman I fell in love with because of the oxygen deprivation to her brain. I have had all the platitudes I can stand like "she's in a better place" or "it was God's plan", or I have actually had people bash her memory for being imperfect and human. No one seemed to understand that she became the way she did and it wasn't her fault...it was her body falling apart. I miss her so much...the love, the care, and the devotion we had to each other...ALL GONE! I am alone and lonely now. 

downandout101
downandout101
Unfortunately, my best friend's wife blamed me and Maria for our failings with our children and Maria's passing. Perhaps she is right, may be I am completely at fault for my wife's death...after all I control things like microbes, thrush infections and thyroid/pancreas/kidney disorders as well. This is not the first time I have been blamed for her illnesses and I am quite sure it won't be the last.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I am sorry for your loss. It will take some time to find out who youv are now, now that your caregiver role is gone. You may wish to contact your local hospice to see if there is any counseling available to you. 10 years is a long time, and you will not get through this overnight. This is one of those times in life when some counseling can make a big difference.

My husband was only 55 when he died. It was a heart attack, and out of the blue. I had all the same stupid stuff said to me. Don't let it get to you. And I want you to hear me loud and clear about one thing if nothing else: Guilt is the single most useless emotion to have in this situation. It will do you no good and will only drain what little strength and energy you have left to cope with. Don't blame yourself and don't take on other people's sick ideas. It wasn't your fault. Above all, she knew she was loved by you, and there is no greater gift at the end of the day.

I am sorry you need to be here, but wanted to welcome you to the community. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, Community Leader
MishJames
MishJames
I am so sorry for your loss.

First and foremost your wife did not die because of you, she died due to her illness. Your wife's best friend sounds like she is lashing out due to her grief. I had similar happen to me with my stepson. You have the option to block unhealthy, unhelpful people from you life when you need to.
downandout101
downandout101
I do not understand the need people have to attack the surviving spouse, the surviving spouse's children and everybody else in the family. It is obvious to me that they know how much they are hurting others but really don't give a flying crap! My best friend's wife wants a divorce from him and may be displacing her anger onto me.
downandout101
downandout101
The question I have now is when did it become ok to attack the surviving spouse, call the kids horrible names and tell the whole family that they "should have known". By way of explanation and before anybody here decides that we should have known, my wife's form of Diabetes (Type-1 Brittle/Labile) is extremely rare. The morbidity/mortality from this disorder is extremely high and typically people do NOT make it past age 50. Maria was 57 and fought like hell with everything she had. If people don't like it, I have gotten "to hell with me" because I couldn't prevent her from getting worse...to hell with me?...Maybe it's to hell with everybody else! I know this is an angry post and I apologize. When I have had teams of doctors and specialists at her bedside treating her and the disease process overcomes her body and they can't stop her from dying...what the hell am I supposed to do?
downandout101
downandout101
I hate instant experts and that is what I have around me!
shelda
shelda
It sounds like my life except i have never lost a child. That i can not imagine and do not want to even think of it. I was his caregiver off an on for 12 years the last 4 being terminal..watching this man shrink into nothing and then die..we were together 36 years.You pick up your heart and move on..what else can we do. I have moments and sometimes days of days filled with despair and i talk myself out of these feelings now..i am hoping i have reached a stage where i think i may not feel so alone if i try something once in a while...and that's too scary right now for me. I come on here and it actually helps me not feel as miserable ( Hugs)
downandout101
downandout101
Thank you for your kind words. I was my Maria's caregiver, especially towards the end. Her condition was so bad, that letting her go was both painful but at the same time, paradoxically, a relief. I couldn't stand to see her body withering away like it did. She told me on several occasions that she felt that she couldn't believe that she was still alive. She credited that to me. I told her our Lord is not ready for you. In many ways, she is still here and (I am sure your husband is still with you). I do believe in signs and symbols. I still hear her voice telling me she loves me. When I am alone, I will actually say out loud "I love you honey and I always will" We never let a day go by without saying that, giving each other that hug whether we needed it or not, and we also WROTE, not emailed, love letters to each other which I have and will always cherish. I allowed our daughters after Maria passed to read some of them. They could not believe the depth and sweetness of the love their parents had for each other. (Hugs to You)